The Morning Report

Important things we did this weekend:

1. Cleaned the house. (Well, it wasn't that messy.... but I dusted & vacuumed & washed sheets & stuff like that..... Hot Stuff sorted & organized & put away.)
2. It rained a lot this weekend so we watched 4 movies... Lion King, Dreamer (very sweet), Fantastic Four (obviously a pregnancy-related choice?!?) & Lion King again (hence the title of this post).
3. MISSED Blues Clues on Sunday morning because some other stupid thing was on. (This is a special treat for Sweet Boy. It is on at 9:30 and he gets to lounge on our bed (the tv upstairs is the only one that gets the channel) and eat snacks and watch "Cous-Cous" on tv while I put away laundry or clean whatever needs to be cleaned in our bedroom... Ok, right, or lounge on the bed next to him eating rabbit crackers.)
4. Played baseball with Sweet Boy. He sort-of gets it but there were several Forest-Gump moments.
5. Read a book. A real book. Ok, I read part of it while Sweet Boy was napping..... but I'm over half way and I will finish it.
6. Went to the dump. We say Sweet Boy's daycare provider's husband there. He drives the loader. Sweet Boy was in HEAVEN watching him and cried when we left.
7. Went for a drive with my boys.
8. Saw some helicopters on display. Again.... nothing so fun as the wonder of a little kid.
9. Got deer, elk & moose license applications done. (Go sweetheart.... fill the freezer.... this vegetarian trend won't last forever....)
10. Bought new shoes. Salomon amphibians. They are the greatest. My old pair is falling apart.
11. Got a few groceries. I love going to the grocery store with Hot Stuff & Sweet Boy. Not only is negotiating the parking lot with Hot Stuff hilarious, but Sweet Boy's new game is, well, he calls it "ooker guy" which I take to mean C-ooker guy (and not H-ooker guy, right?). He sits in the cart and makes things for me. I ask for a chocolate milk shake and he does some complicated things with his hands and makes some funny noises and then hands me my shake. Then he asks if I want some cottage cheese. Mmmm. My favorite. Chocolate shake with a side of cottage cheese.
12. Went to Target with my mother in law. We meant to go to the nursery but it was closed. We bought Easter candy & Sweet Boy picked out Mr. Bubble bubble bath after we smelled them all.
13. Made more play dough. Got red food coloring everywhere. Oops. We are a walking oxiclean commercial.
14. Taught Sweet Boy how to drive the jeep. It's one of those little battery operated numbers a neighbor gave us.... he had a blast and just about mortally wounded his poor daddy. Daddy... with the broken leg.... was following him and holding onto the roll bar to keep him from running into a fence or something.
15. Planned Easter dinner with my sister. (This is her thinking: We must have stuffing. Your husband won't be happy without stuffing. (My husband hated stuffing until he had some of my mom's special recipe* stuffing. Now he loves it.) Let's have mashed potatoes. I know baked potatoes are traditional with ham but mashed feels so much more festive. (I suggested going with something other than ham..... and was met with a stunned silence.... she said the only reason she was coming to my house was for the ham & Easter candy.)) So what kind of gravy do you make with ham?? We called my brother and told him he was in charge of potatoes & booze. He said he'll be here with a burlap bag of spuds & 3 cases of PBR. Lord help us. I have to find my jello egg molds so I can make redneck jello shots.... what? It's the only way to get people involved in the egg hunt......

So that's about it for us. Nothing fabulous but just a really great weekend. It is so nice to have Hot Stuff out of the lounger and back playing with us.... he still tires quickly and has to take long time-outs to ice & rest but he's getting back to normal.

*Stove Top

Abuse

I’m being abused by both my children…

I’m being pummeled inside & out by my kids. My son got excited and accidentally let fly with a match box car and it connected quite resoundingly with the bridge of my nose. He felt really bad and covered my face with slobbery baby kisses to make me feel better.

But my inner child… my inner child is a remorseless little hellion. Enough with the pounding, pummeling, kick-boxing, lap-swimming & general gymnastics already. WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE???

Sweet Boy was active. This kid is non-stop. Maybe all I remember is the end when Sweet Boy was so crowded he couldn’t kick, turn & stomp… that thought gives me hope this one will mellow out in a few weeks. Grow, baby, grow.

I’m 26 weeks. (Or something like that…. I’ve never been very good with keeping track… I always have to look it up on babycenter.com or email my cousin who is due a few days before I am.) Due July 12th. What’s the birth stone for July? A ruby? What’s the zodiac sign? And what is the temperament for that zodiac sign?

This baby likes action movies. We watched a few movies this weekend. Hot Stuff picked “Dreamer” and I picked….. “Fantastic Four.” (Sweet Boy picked “Lion King” and we danced our way through it twice…. Such great music.)

Another interesting thing…. This baby is a vegetarian. Seriously. Meat has no appeal. Hummus, however, has great appeal. So do some rather odd sweets. Peanut butter mixed with powdered sugar and served with chocolate chips or fake-out cookie dough (butter, flour, sugar & brown sugar mashed together in a bowl). What's that all about?

And the answer is.....

The Brave Little Toaster Goes To Mars.

Hey, I'll do anything to shower by myself once in a while.

Which side IS starboard on a laundry basket??

Internet, I’m going to let you in on a little secret (and the real reason I stay at this job)…. No one cares what time I come to work. Except today. Today is Thursday. Our morning receptionist has started taking Thursday’s off so someone has to be here to cover at 8:00 am. Today was my day. This is how it went:

5:00: Sweet Boy (wonder-sleeper who never gets up early) wakes up. Daddy was working until almost 11 last night so they didn’t get any time together so he is determined to see his dad. Now. He asks me to get him some more milk please. I’m ok with that except they are snuggling in the middle of the bed and, not being the sliver I once was, I’m having a hard time balancing myself & the dog on my edge of the bed. I bump Hot Stuff’s bum leg and he groans. Sweet Boy says, “Caewful mama, no hurt daddy, say sowwy.” So I say sorry and Sweet Boy asks, “Need kiss it daddy?” Is your heart just melting at the sweetness of a bed-headed little boy in fuzzy jammies (smelling vaguely like pee) taking care of his daddy? No? It isn’t? Then you are dead to me.
5:something-ish o-dark-thirty: Hot Stuff’s alarm goes off. He snoozes it.
14 seconds later: It goes off again and he staggers out of bed.
6:15: Hot Stuff kisses us goodbye and heads to PT. I try to sneak out of bed but Sweet Boy is awake and follows me.
6:30: I give up and plug in a video* so I can shower, get ready & drink some coffee (fear not…. It’s decaf) while I make some additions to my “todo” list for the day.
7:10: We should be leaving the house.
7:23: We really leave the house.
7:30 (7:24): We leave the garage. (Wait. It doesn’t actually take me that long to slog across the driveway… although sometimes it takes two trips….. the clock in my car is 7 minutes fast. Please don’t ask.)
7:25: See a guy wunning in the wain.
7:26: See a backhoe.
7:27: See 2 guys with a dog.
7:28: See the wimming poowl.
7:29: See a snowplow AND a schoolbus.
7:32: See the “Big Bidge” that is parked in a parking lot in 3 sections and, quite possibly, the highlight of our mornings.
7:33: See a backhoe & a dozer.
7:34: See two more schoolbuses… one with lights flashing.
7:36: Another backhoe or six.
7:38: Arrive at daycare, sign in & say good morning, take off shoes & coat & hat, stash diaper bag, kiss the mama, and head for the breakfast counter.
7:40: Leave daycare and negotiate the left-hand turn onto a 60-mile-per-hour road with heavy 8:00 traffic. This is the only really annoying part of the trip.
7:43: Make it across the railroad tracks with no trains and get through campus without hitting any under-dressed college students.
7:45: Wish I had my ipod with me. Helena radio sucks.
7:48: Complain to self about traffic. Remind self of NY’s resolution to NOT run yellow lights. Laugh about what traffic is like in Denver right now.
7:54: Arrive at work and dash into the building in the rain.
7:59: Unlock door (and congratulate myself on remembering my work keys) & turn on lights….. Exactly on time.

*Movie quote of the morning…. “Which side is starboard in a laundry basket?” Ok, name that video.

Barbie

My mother in law just sent this to me. Especially funny since I left my son playing with a Ken doll at daycare this morning.... Ken was dancing, naked, on a table while Sweet Boy sang "Twinkle, twinkle" Sorry. The following will only be funny if you are my brother.

Montana Barbies are FINALLY available!!!!

Kalispell Barbie: This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with a Mercedes 4WD SUV, a Prada handbag and matching Nike Yoga ensemble. She has a masters degree and double-majored, but has the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom with Ken's generous salary. Comes with Percocet prescription and Botox. Starbucks mug and traffic-jamming Blackberry internet/cell phone device sold separately. Husband Ken is into fishing, golfing, baseball and is often "working late." Available at all Seattle-area Starbucks retailers.

Bozeman Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstrom. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of an Audi convertible, Hummer H2 or Subaru Legacy and a long-haired foreign lapdog named "Honey" or black Labrador named Bridger. Also available is her cookie-cutter development dream house. Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and breast augmentation. Workaholic, cheating husband, Ken, comes with an all-wheel drive Audi.

Butte Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, switchblade, '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is available only after dark and can only be purchased with cash - preferably small bills, unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about. Boyfriend Ken is in jail. Available at many pawn shops.

Great Falls Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer Gut Ken out of Auburn Barbie's trailer. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss and a see-through halter top. Purchase her Mustang convertible separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Boyfriend Ken is in treatment. Available at Army Navy Su rplus.

Havre Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2 sizes too small, steel-toed cowboy boots, a classic Metallica 'T' shirt and a Tweedy Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has fake fingernails, a six pack of Budweiser, and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. she can spit over a distance of 6 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Also available is the gold-toned cubic zirconium ring that Ken gave her after another one of his "episodes" with his boss's daughter. Comes with Barbie's Dream Double Wide Trailer. Available at Wal-Mart.

Browning Barbie: Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a G.E.D. and a completely filled out food stamps form. Construction worker Ken and his '82 Caddy are optional. Available at Value Village.

Billings Barbie: This big-haired red-head comes smelling slightly of petroleum with smiling bunny decals on her Lee press-on nai ls. Wearing a miss-matched outfit and t-shirt with the logo Catsup is Spicy! purchased at Rimrock Mall, the Billings Barbie drives a late-model Ford Escort and comes with coupons to Olive Garden and Red Lobster. Wish-he-were-workaholic, wish-he-were-cheating husband Ken is playing golf or gardening in the backyard of their tract house with views of the rims. Available at all local Casinos.

Missoula Barbie: This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no make-up, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want, or need, a Ken doll. If you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker. Available at REI.

Helena Barbie: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or removing snap on parts. Walks to work. Likes to "experiment," but will never commit. This model is being phased out and is only available f rom the manufacturer.

Livingston Barbie: Similar to the Butte model except she is a working artist with enough money to buy her meth and PBRs. Livingston Barbie comes with a three-primer colored 1989 Ford F-150 pulling a Lavro drift boat and dry, frizzy, dusty hair. Pull the string on her back and she will say I hate going to Bozeman or I hate driving in Bozeman. This model is no longer available. Some may be found blowing down the freeway towards Big Timber.

Live it.

* Courtesy of Mary P.

Bath Time

I have bits and pieces of material floating around in my head (good to know there is SOMETHING in there….) but I can’t pull together a post. See, usually I scratch out posts in the morning after the boys leave and post from work where I have real internet. Yeah, well, Hot Stuff has PT at 6:30 AM every day so he is NO HELP taking Sweet Boy to daycare. So I’ve been doing the mama-scramble every day just to make it to work for 8 hours. Hence & thence…. The lack of posts, but thank you for inquiring. (Ok, nobody inquired…. Except my brother who said, “Hey why don’t you reply to my anonymous comments anymore??” It’s not all about you, dirtbag.)

So, anyway, I have a question.

What do you do while your child is in the bathtub? Sweet Boy has decided he LOVES BUBBLES. So every night is pretty much a bath-marathon these days. He will also get in the shower with me in the morning if he is awake…. The kid is a fish. So he’s splashing and playing away in the tub while I???? What? What do you DO with that time? It only takes 15 seconds to weigh and convince myself the scale must be broken. (Hey, it might not have been broken BEFORE I put my 2-ton-heifer self on there….) Then I brush my teeth & wash my face. (Shut it already. I can see Sweet Boy in the giant mirror over the sink.) Then I sort the laundry. By this point Sweet Boy is barely pruney and the water isn’t even starting to cool off and I’m bored. I sit on the uncomfortable floor and read magazines. I clean the toilet (even though I’ve decided that should be Hot Stuff’s job….. I don’t poop and, therefore, am not responsible for making it dirty.)

What? PLAY with my child? I do. But he would rather I didn’t. He has very complicated projects involving wind-up frogs, dumping tubs of water on his head, playing with plastic deer playing & fighting & making up, pulling on his penis & playing with the crotch cream applicators (fear not: unused) that we acquired after a particularly horrible bout of diaper rash.

He will stay in the tub until the water is icy, his lips are blue & the bubbles are gone. (And those green watermelon Elmo bubbles last a long time.) The up-side being my bathroom floor is spotless and all the drawers are very organized.

You know what this really is??? Just another reason I need a laptop.

The Butterfly Effect

If you are pregnant or, well really, if you have a pulse and a heart at all.... don't watch the "Director's Cut" ending to The Butterfly Effect. Ever.

Just thought you should know....

... someone just microwaved their lunch and now the office smells like cat food.....

WHAT are you people EATING???

I'll go quietly back to my bagel with cheese now.....

A post in which a broken leg would be a GOOD thing.

My husband is a horn-hunter. Yes, he’s a very horny guy. (Is that redundant…. Horny guy??) What is horn hunting? You go out and wander around in the deep woods looking for elk antler sheds. The “season” is generally March-April or so. Then you bring the sheds home and make your wife swear when she stubs her toe on the “decorations” in the middle of the night.

So while the boys were staggering the last mile out (took them several hours) I was talking with the wife of his friend that went with him. She was waiting dinner and getting a little worried they weren’t out yet. I made her promise not to tell Hot Stuff she was cooking an actual meal for her husband….. I don’t want him to get any ideas. We decided we’d give them an hour to check in. I actually KNEW where they had gone and had all the appropriate information to relay to search & rescue should it come to that….

I made a lovely dinner of brown rice & steamed veggies. (Don’t get any ideas… we aren’t healthy.) Hot Stuff finally called and said, “Hon, I hurt myself a little.” The last time he said this was when he stabbed himself in the leg with a machete and was calling from the emergency room…..

The good news is he was with a friend and they were on the way out and only a mile from the rig. The bad news? He hooked the toe of his snowshoe while hiking downhill fast and fell…. And heard a ‘pop’ and had searing knee pain.

Now anyone who is an athlete at any level knows when your lower leg stops and your thigh does a ‘fly by’ you’ve probably blown your acl…. Especially when accompanied by a ‘pop’ sound. ACL surgery takes around 6 months to heal. Visions of no employment this summer, food stamps, losing his insurance and living in a van down by the creek flashed in my mind.

Over the course of the next few days his knee looked like a variety of items from the melon produce section…. Cantaloupe, honeydew, grapefruit….. heck, even a watermelon. We saw the regular doc on Wednesday morning, then to the pharmacy, then to the crutch store, then to the orthopedic doc for x-rays & an exam, then back to the crutch store to get the correct size of crutches, then to get an MRI the next morning.

The regular doc didn’t want to put him through the pain of a full exam knowing the orthopedic guy would do the same thing that afternoon so we didn’t learn much there…. Except it pays to have a good regular doc…. He got us in with a top orthopedic guy in 2 hours… instead of the 3 weeks it usually takes. The orthopedic guy said, based on the exam, he didn’t think there was any ligament damage (can you say yeah???) but something looked odd on the x-ray so off to the MRI we went.

I had an OB appt with the regular doc the next day (because I’m one of those people who doesn’t believe in specialized care I guess). So he checked on the MRI and gave me the results based on the radiologist’s read. Then later we got the official word from the orthopedic doc….. HE BROKE HIS LEG. Yup. A fractured tibial plateau. And the best part??? This is actually GOOD news. No surgery. 4-8 weeks of recovery. He can fight fire this summer. He can remain employed. No unemployment and losing his insurance. No food stamps. Happy Homestead Household.

He’s on crutches for two weeks and doing physical therapy. He sees the doc again on the 31st and we go from there. So that’s what is new around here… how about you??

I finally get it.... not IT.... but it.

So I was just noodling about here* and I found this article about introverts. It explains it all. But do I still have to pretend to like social situations??

*I go here to feel connected with the world at large.... and at small.... and in-between. It makes me feel, possibly, the hickdom I exist in is just a balance for some larger coolness in the world. (You know, creating a balancing plane for some dazzling jewel surface on the other side.) It does not, however, prevent the hickies (hah... I said hickies) from crawling into my ear and melting my brain.... causing it to ooze down my neck and stain my ever-so-not-cool red Gap turtleneck.

UPDATED TO ADD: HAH! Even Dooce thinks the boy is motherfuckin' awlright. (He's pretty damn cute too.)

Hot Date... um, Cold Date.

Sunday for our monthly without-a-kid date we went to Eight Below. Probably not my first choice for movies to spend $14 on but it was the only thing showing at the new CINEMAX theater that we vaguely wanted to see. To sum up:

Um, where are we supposed to park? In the one hour parking? Ok.
They have audio-assisted devices. Very progressive.
How is this place staying open with only 6 people watching movies on a Sunday night at 7:15?
Nice cushy seats and they recline.
Nice bathrooms... no toilet paper?!?!? Oh, found some.
The arm rests fold up! Who cares what movie we are supposed to be watching?!?
Cute movie.
Tough dogs.
The prego managed to make it through the whole thing without having to pee once.
Hot Stuff did not make it.....hence forth we shall refer to him as "Tiny Tank."
All that stuff about absence makes the heart grow fonder.... it is true. Sweet Boy was cute (and still awake?) when we got home around 9:30.

I deem March a successful dating month. Next month I might even splurge on popcorn.

50 Things About Me

1. I grew up on a farm/ranch near a small town.
2. My graduating class was 8. Not 800, not 80…. 8.
3. I drove a baby blue diesel Volkswagon Rabbit 4 miles to meet the school bus starting in the fifth grade.
4. My brother still drives the Rabbit…. Although he has now moved well beyond the fifth grade.
5. My family is very proud of my brother.
6. Hey, wait a minute, this is supposed to be about me. Quit hoggin’ my time, bro.
7. My parents are married to each other… still.
8. I think this should qualify me for some kind of minority scholarship program.
9. I have one brother.
10. I have two sisters.
11. One of my sisters died when she was a baby.
12. I have long dark hair and dark eyes.
13. I am often asked if I am Native American.
14. I am Norwegian, Danish, German & some other middle-European stuff.
15. My regular makeup is grey eyeliner and lip gloss.
16. My idea of “all made up” includes adding blush/bronzer & some eyeshadow.
17. I am fairly tall. 5’9”
18. I have freakishly long legs.
19. I like to wear baseball caps… but only if they fit exactly right.
20. I almost always wear pink-framed, polarized sunglasses (they are my fishing glasses).
21. I can drive a semi truck.
22. I can’t back up with a trailer.
23. I laugh a lot.
24. I’m left-handed.
25. I always notice left-handed people on tv and in movies. It drives my husband nuts. (And why is it ON tv but IN movies??)
26. My family (immediate & extended) is really funny… they crack me up on a regular basis… whether they mean to or not.
27. I like to make lists.
28. My husband is sexy.
29. Oh, wait… sidetracked again. How about: I had to kiss a lot of frogs to find my prince.
30. I like to use special logic.
31. It took us over a year to get pregnant.
32. We lost our first baby. S/he would have been due on my grandma’s birthday.
33. I hate saying, “lost a child.” Like you got distracted at the grocery store and left them in the spaghetti sauce row.
34. I am one of those pregnant women you love to hate. Gorgeous, energetic & tranquil.
35. I first felt my son move when listening to a loud African drum group in South Carolina.
36. He loves music with a strong beat and so do I.
37. My labor (the whole thing, from waking up to delivery) lasted 5 ½ hours.
38. Our next child may be born on the side of the road.
39. I’m ok with that.
40. I’m one of those weird people that likes bikinis, thongs, boy-cuts, boxers & commando.
41. I don’t like granny panties so much.
42. I like the flexibility of my current job.
43. But I don’t love the job itself.
44. I do love the people I work with and that is important to me.
45. When I eat triangle-shaped slices of food (pie, pizza) I eat the widest end first and save the tip for last. Then I make a wish on it.
46. I deal well with trauma.
47. I have a black belt. 1st degree Kuekiwan (sp?)
48. It goes well with my black shoes.
49. I take the eggs out of the carton in a diamond pattern. Better balance.
50. I’m allergic to latex.

Crave It.

I keep saying I am NOT having cravings or any other odd pregnancy symptoms.

I'm not.

I've always had sophisticated tastes. (Quit laughing. Now.) I've ALWAYS loved REAL hot cocoa.... made with milk & sugar & cocoa powder & vanilla. And the need for real whipped-with-a-handmixer whipped cream? Totally normal. Not a craving.

What? You DON'T drink cranberry juice out of wine glasses?

And those couple gallons of lemonade (with real lemons sliced in it).... completely every-day for me. Not a craving. Really.

The purchase of this. Oh little minty-picked item of perfect oral care. I don't mind that you look like a vibrator for a small woodland creature.... I worship you.

The Girl Scout ice cream (I blove you, Susan.) is a luxury item. It is not a craving.

The potato oles.... those might have been a craving.... I ate them so fast I can't really be sure....

Pondering.....

Hardee's has commercials about using only Angus beef.... so why doesn't The Leather Store do that?? Are you telling me you'll only eat Angus but you'll let them use just any old cow to make your leather bustier?

A few farmer moments....

City folk... pay attention. I'm gonna talk about cows now. I grew up on what would be referred to as a "wheat and cattle operation" in North Central Montana. Just telling you I'm from the Hi-Line and in my early-30's pretty much destroys my "anonomous" standings to anyone from Montana.... process of elimination will just about tell you who I am.... there just aren't that many people.

Growing up wheat was the major crop but cows are my dad's hobby. I can't tell you for sure how many he had in his prime but he's down to about 40 pairs this calving season. That's not very many. They are more pets than anything else. Although I'm certainly not above enjoying one of them hot off the barbeque. (Do you hear that Gunnar? People EAT their PETS. Be a good dog. Get off the couch. Now.) Dad raises mostly black Angus or Angus-crossed critters. I'll just wait for my brother to post anonymously as to WHY that is.... it sure as shit isn't because Hardee's started marketing "We use only Angus beef" or anything like that..... I think it is because they are hardy and easy-calvers... or maybe so you don't lose them in the snow.....

Calving season can start anywhere from January on..... Dad calves early because he's a vet so he will be "on call" to help other people later in the season. When he had lots of cows there was a whole complicated system involving my great-uncle's calving shed, a pickup camper and a hot plate for Dad's comfort on those cold, lonely calving nights.

When we were kids it was sometimes our job to "run a cow and calf into the barn" so the calf could be warmed up or worked on or whatever. I can only tell these stories now that I'm too old for family services to take me away. We would go out with the 4-wheeler and cart. One of us would stand with a bat while the other one tried to load the calf in the cart. (Imagine someone is taking your child away in a little red cart.... now you know who the bat was for....) Calf & kid in cart, kid with bat driving 4-wheeler, pissed off snot-nosed mama bawling and chasing cart, race for the barn and run the decoy in reverse. Kid with bat distracts cow while kid in cart wrestles calf into the barn. Whew. Once the cow was in the barn our job was done. Dad would put the calf in the "hot box" to dry off and get warm. (A hot box is a small wooden box with heat lamps in it designed to dry off a calf as quickly as possible.... ours is an ultra-fancy one... it has a neon pink hairdryer (think 1980's) attached to it for really speedy drying.) More than one rancher I know has crawled in a hot box for a quick warm nap.

If you are lucky the cow gets put in the barn BEFORE she has the calf... reducing the stress to your running skills and the cow's nerves. Then it is just a matter of waiting, watching and leaving her alone. If the cow is a heifer (this is her first calf) then you have to watch a little closer... she might have trouble delivering and she might not quite get what to do after the baby is born. (Do you hear that you boob-nazi? Even in NATURE sometimes guidance is required.)

I will forever associate Palmolive dishsoap not with Madge, the nail lady, but with my dad and the smell of cow shit and afterbirth. It was his brand. Do you really want me to go into more detail on this? I thought not. Let me leave it at this.....I know why veterinarians carry pocket watches. And, yes, calves do know how to suckle before they are actually born... there is nothing so redneck-sweet as getting to be a big girl and "check" the calf and make sure it is ok before it is born.

If things aren't progressing normally there are various assisting measures. Chains. Ratchet pulleys. C-sections. Hey... just like human babies!?!?

Then, if all goes well, you have a baby in the straw. Dad always let us tickle the newborn's nose with a piece of straw to get them to sneeze the gook out but after that you pretty much get out of the way and let the mama do her thing.

There you have it. Baby Calf 101

Clorox of the Brain

I have a very special relationship with my little brother. He's quite a sweet boy, really. No, really. He is. Really.

Here's an excerpt of some of the things that have been said in the last few days....

"It is fucking turbo-charged now." (He was referring to his recently souped-up computer... Hot Stuff asked if he was talking about his dildo.... have I mentioned how special there relationship is too???)

"Clorox THAT outta your frontal lobe." (Ok, I say this ALL THE TIME. Something about the idea of Purexing your brain.... but he has now adopted the phrase and, well, I'm a little scared but oh-so-very proud....)

"What? We have sex EVERY TIME you spend the night here." (Whoa... quick, explain that.... Hot Stuff said this.... about us.... not about my brother.... there is no Brokeback Mountain sequel being made in our house...)

"I just call her Betty." (Me referring to his -possibly mythological- girlfriend/stalker.)

"You just can't keep up with the fuckers." (Him talking about drinking with Australians.)

Oh Brother- Where Art Thou? I know there are some priceless gems I forgot to share.....

This is a trick.....

It is now 50 degrees (F) and it makes me feel all schitzophrenic. I'm trying not to get too excited.... because I know it will get cold again soon.

At -25 just breathing gives you an ice cream headache.

Then it gets above freezing and you are so climatized you open all the windows in your house and start wearing shorts and sleeping naked. It's a 75 degree temperature change in less than 10 days.... That's like 50 one day and 125 the next.....

And the mud..... oh my, the mud. I'm surprised there is any left in the driveway.... it's all in my house.

Dad is back to "normal" calving now. For a few days he was sleeping in his pickup with all the cows crammed in the little lot by the barn. A new baby won't last 15 minutes at -25.... especially if there is any wind. He managed to keep everyone alive and even had a set of twins.

There is something extremely satisfying about watching those crazy little babies run around in the sunshine -bucking & snorting & acting tough.

Fat Tuesday

For today, Fat Tuesday, I will provide a story of sin and redemption.

Redemption: I finally finished cleaning the laundry room. I flylady-ed the fuck out of it. (You know. flylady.net and you can do anything for 15 minutes....) It took me about 2 weeks of saying, "Today, just don't make it any worse and clean up a few extra things...." Not so difficult when you realize my laundry room has no door and you have to pass through it to get to the bathroom... just grab something and put it away. The counter top is cleared off. The drawers are organized. The pantry is sorted. Hot Stuff's basket of doom is emptied.

Sin: Hot Stuff asked if he could take over the counter for horn season and keep his pack and gear there. Until we remodel there is no good place in our downstairs for his pack and gear and if it is in the bedroom he will be rummaging in it at 4:00 AM on weekends. So, of course, he can take over the counter.

Redemption: He took care of me and my son last night while I was sick with a snot-filled head and general misery and no theraflu and Wild Turkey to cure me.

Sin: Hot Stuff and Sweet Boy watched Primos: Big Bulls 9.

Redemption: How cute is it when a little boy says, "Big Buwl Ek says whhhoooo-hhoooo-hoooo"

Sin: Thomas the Tank Engine (battery powered wooden track) died. Sweet Boy just keeps saying, "Batries, mama, batries." Sorry, son, but no battery in the world is bringing Thomas back.

Redemption: Distraction by race car.

Sin: Target does not HAVE battery-powered wooden track Thomas.

Redemption: Ebay.

Sin: This post was much more clever in my mind.

Redemption: Blame it on the snot filling my head......

She thinks she'll keep him....

My husband uttered the two most amazing phrases last night.

"When the Olympics are over I think we should keep the tv turned off until Sweet Boy goes to bed at 8:00. We can tape anything we really want to watch."

AND

"Grab a bottle of lotion, take off your clothes and lay down in front of the fire. I want to give you a backrub."

Updated to add: Really, I should have known something was up. When I hugged him hello last night after work and asked if I could have my way with his body later that night he said, "Maybe" and that's a sure-fire YES if I play my cards right. And after Sweet Boy went to bed instead of turning on the tv he turned on the ipod.... to the Braveheart soundtrack. Everybody knows the Braveheart soundtrack means deep soulful conversation punctuated with much kissing and touching and romance.

The Helicopter

This is Sweet Boy's Ewl-cotter. It is a Rescue Heroes thing my mom got from ebay for about $12. Drives Hot Stuff crazy with all the space it takes up. I consider it to be a spare toybox... although every once in a while I find a stray sippy cup under the dash (that's why I have "sanitize" on my dishwasher, right?) Sweet Boy loves to hide under the dashboard and bounce on the seat and throw himself backwards. He has also been known to take off the rotor and use it as a jousting device. Please note "Steeler Shrek" is currently piloting this aircraft.

And, Again, With the Photo Analysis....

1. Again, the peach walls....
2. I love the "Montana Maid" print on the wall.
3. Check out the view out the window..... and that isn't even our best view.
4. Looking at the candles I realize Sweet Boy was playing with them.... the bead bases were on different candles when it started.
5. Is the 4th flower the new baby or the dog?
6. Yes, my wood table has a formica top....

Just in Case You Don't Already Have Enough Reasons To Hate Me.....

I’m in my husband’s pants again….

Literally.

Today I’m wearing a pair of Carhardtt carpenter-style jeans that make me feel like a snowboarder…. I’m all hip in my baggy denim.

The man has more jeans than any one human being on the planet. He has one ass, why does he need 46 pairs of jeans? I might have to count just to see how many pairs of jeans he really has…. I have 5 pairs. Two pairs of Twenty X jeans that are my “good” jeans. One pair of worn out Lucky jeans for the weekend and two pairs of slightly ratty Wranglers for “work” stuff. I am planning to retire one of the Twenty X jeans because they are starting to actually wear through in spots. What do you expect? I wear them at least once a week. They are the only jeans I’ve found that are slightly trendy, comfy, sexy, low-waisted but not too low-waisted, and long enough.

If I could get down to a size 7 I could get lots of hand-me-downs from my sister’s “larger” jeans… there is no way I will ever fit into her size 5’s but my body seems to be most comfortable as a size 9 no matter how many times I visit her closet and tempt my body with those cute, trendy jeans.....

Well, I mean, except now.... when I'm size 44 Fat and just really excited to be wearing jeans with a button... that I can actually button.... even if it means getting into my husband's pants... again.

The pregnancy update….

We had the ultrasound last week. The highlights: 4-chamber beating heart, no placenta previa, 2 kidneys, bladder, stomach, no obvious signs of cleft palate or spinal bifida or Down’s. I was around 19 weeks. The ultrasound indicates a July 15th due date. (LMP/Conception date says July 12th.) Who are they kidding? Sweet Boy’s ultrasound indicated a May 17th due date and he was born June 1st.

Things I thought:

Beating heart. This is huge. This is especially huge for anyone who knows the feeling of not seeing a beating heart. I know this kid is going to cause me worry until my dying day but at least this is one thing I can cross off the worry list… for now.

Whew, no spinal bifida…. I’m pretty good about taking my prenatals and always have been (they do great things for my nails & hair… everyone should take them) but, geez, what about the week I forgot them while I was on vacation….

Why did I drink all that damn water? I forgot how much I was supposed to drink so I just KEPT DRINKING. Plus all that coffee (decaf you haters) and juice. Add to that the round-about route I took to get to the ultrasound appointment and I had a very full bladder. The tech let me empty it after she looked at the placenta and then laughed at me as we got to watch it fill up again as she did the rest of the ultrasound.

I’m not gonna lie people…. it’s a cute kid. The potential of becoming a mother of two is slowly creeping up on me and taking root in my brain as a reality. Gone will be the days of smugly taking my well-behaved toddler places. I will be that haggard woman dragging around a squalling 2-year-old & a whimpering infant. Or maybe we will just stay home and watch Shrek.

Don't judge me....

I'm looking at the picture below.

Can I see the cute baby? Sure.

Do I think it is hilarious I wrote on him with a Sharpie? Absolutely.

Do I know how long it takes for that stuff to wear off? Yes. (Not that long actually.)

Can I focus on anything except the mess in the back ground? No.

Let me break it down for you.

1. Only I can see the tiny edge of stuff peaking out from under the rug... that stuff you put under them so they won't slip.

2. The cardboard box is actually me boxing up all the 2005 documents to stash in the garage. Not bad, really, but the deal is I can't seal the box until I've mailed in our tax stuff... which I haven't done yet. (And sweet hell, no, I do NOT do my own taxes. I never have. I have a lovely accountant named Peg who says doing our taxes is like a coffee break for her. How could I deny her that? Really.)

3. What color are the walls? They are antique something-or-other. Peach? Not a color I would pick.... although I couldn't say what color I WOULD pick so there ya go. In the grand remodel the walls will be painted (above the woodwork) & new carpet will be installed. Please don't get me started on the pink-toned carpet.

4. The dresser. Well, we started calling it a "buffet" when it wouldn't fit up the stairs to the bedroom and we discovered it would now be residing in the back of the living room..... It is full of movies, candles, table linens, photo albums & picture frames.

Can you read the writing on the baby's belly??

Yes, we are still celebrating. Go Steelers!

vd

Ah, guess who just got flowers at work? Yes, yes, it's me. 4 red roses.... one for each of us..... in a gorgeous red vase with some ornate stuff around the bottom. Me likey. They will look fabulous with the new refrigerator Cupid is bringing me. (Seriously, black, silver or white?)

We've made a decision. Well, Hot Stuff decided and I agree. We are going to start dating. Each other. Our date night will be the 12th of every month. We met on the 12th and we used to try to do something on the 12th but the habit sort of fell by the wayside. Originally we were going to try to go out together once a week but getting a babysitter and then we'd feel like failures if we didn't.... so we are starting small.

Officially, we are starting tonight (I know, I know... it's the 14th.... it's all about flexibility.)

Last night I accidentally got back to town from working early (bad road worries so we cut things short) so I got groceries. We put together a lovely lasagna. Tonight, well, let me set the stage:

• The house is clean. (That's what happens when Hot Stuff works all day Saturday & Sweet Boy decides the feather duster is a COOL toy.)
• Clean flannel sheets on the bed and all the pillows are fluffed.
• A gorgeous lasagna -heavy on the basil- is in the fridge ready for the oven.
• A bag of salad is waiting to be tossed & there is a cheese cake for dessert (Sara Lee). (Shut up.... it's the thought that counts.)
• The (fake) champagne is chilling.
• The table has a centerpiece of many candles and gorgeous red candles are placed strategically throughout the house.
• My favorite Aveda scented oil is in the humidifier on the pellet stove... combined with the smell of lasagna? Oh, it screams seduction.
• I shaved my legs.
• I made a new mix of massage oil & my nails are short enough to give an honestly high-quality massage.
• The ringer on the phone is off.
• The bathtub is clean and I have bubbles.
• The Boy will join us for dinner and then he goes to bed at 8:00.

One for the Road....

The last post was just too somber.... I couldn't leave it like that for the weekend when I won't be back until Tuesday.... So here's Sweet Boy..... flying his helicopter with his co-pilots.

Single Parenthood: Day 5

The mama couldn't sleep last night. A combination of lonely and fretting about work and fretting about baby. I'm going to confess something.... whenever Hot Stuff is gone I build a mound of pillows on his side of the bed and wear one of his t-shirts out of the laundry to bed. (I just have to get a semi-clean one... one time I got one he'd worn while cutting down trees.... nothing says snuggle me like the smell of chainsaw gasoline.... but BOY I slept well.)

Sweet Boy had cheesy-eggs for breakfast. He loves them. I swear, next time I make them I'm putting him on the floor and letting the dog clean his face. That stuff is like concrete when it dries.

Work & lonely will pass. Baby fretting will be cured by hearing that sweet whoosh-whoosh on the Doppler this afternoon. I invited my mother-in-law to hear it. My cousin is due around the same time I am and she emailed last night telling me how her son felt the baby kick.... at 18 weeks? She can feel movement on the outside? Wow. I feel those fluttery little kicks that could easily be confused with gas or hunger.... so I sat, concentrating with all my might, and felt.... nothing. Even though my ration brain was reminding me movement isn't reliable this early I worried. So I ate something sugary and flopped down on my left side... just like the books tell you too... something that works great..... later on. My ration brain was now yelling at me to just go to bed and go to sleep already... this wouldn' t WORK. But I tried anyway. And got.... nothing. And this morning on the way to daycare I was rewarded with about 15 thumps to the backside of my belly. Little shit... already not doing what mama wants.

And then the daycarista told me the mama due in April is having a boy. Sweet Boy won't be the only XY-chromosome bearer anymore! And then she told me the mama due the same time I am lost her baby. And I teared up thinking about her and I wondered how it happened and I wondered how she was coping and I wondered if I REALLY felt those kicks this morning....

And then I talked to one of my friends and her daughter's teacher just lost a baby. And I told my friend to remember that mama on her due date. Nobody remembers the mama on the due date. My due date was February 16th... maybe that is what has me dwelling on this so much lately. If that baby had been born the same amount late Sweet Boy was born the birthdate would have been my Grandma's birthday. My special grandma. Somehow that's a sign and a comfort to me. I think when you have a loss like that you take comfort wherever you can and you treasure that comfort like a precious thing. That's what I think.

And why is the term "lost a baby" so inadequate? It's not like I left the baby in the cart at Target. It makes me feel like that little baby's soul is just out there... lost. And no baby that was loved and wanted can just be lost like that, can they?

And then today I went to Torrie's blog and learned her baby, her precious and so long sought baby, doesn't have a heart beat. And my heart broke. So, please, if you can, go to her. Offer what comfort you can and let her know people are thinking about her.

Single Parenthood: Day 4

We got Dr. Seuss books last night!! From ebay.... lots of them.... for cheap. So we spent the whole evening reading, arranging the books in stacks, driving the books around in the dump truck & making stepping stones from the stairs to the couch. What? It beat the heck out of the available tv options....

I officially added to my vd gift list because, well, not EVERY town in Montana has a Victoria's Secret but the town Hot Stuff happens to be training in does..... "thong. size M. Get me what you like, baby...." Now he will have to take his two co-workers with him to Vicky's.... poor Vicky.... she has no idea what she's in for with those monkeys in the store.

The rest of my list? a refrigerator (black, white or silver??), a lottery ticket (he gets me one for every major holiday because how could you beat that gift if we won??), Hershey's kissables, some really fine quality chocolate from The Parrot.

Life as a single parent is, amazingly, settling into a routine. I routinely curse my husband every night when he calls to tell me where they are eating dinner and we are eating frozen pizza.

The math is still killing him... it gets harder every day and he's still got a bad cold so he's miserable. And, of course, he's miserable missing us. Sweet Boy "read" him Green Eggs & Ham (still his favorite book of all time) on the phone this morning.

Tonight's excitement includes starting the Nielson ratings book tv journal thingy. (They sent me $15 to do it!!) It will be kinda like doing a food journal. I'll have to stop and think, "Do I really want to watch this if it means letting the world know it??"

One more night.....

4 things....

Greenie tagged me. I feel so honored and flattered. So here you go...

Four jobs you have had in your life:
Waitress (gawds this sucked… but I was kinda good at it in a short-skirts-and-baseball-caps-are-cute kinda way.)
Program Director/Instructor at a Martial Arts School (Easy to decide what to wear every morning, no shoes are a great excuse for a good pedicure, and, oh, being a positive influence and role model)
Sponsorship Coordinator for a ski film company (A whole lot of perks and a whole lot of assholes to work for….)
ADA/504 Coordinator & Grant Director (Who knows what an ADA/504 Coordinator is?? Ok, me neither until I discovered it was covered in my job description by “other duties as assigned.”)

Four Movies you could watch over and over:
Can I say I rarely watch movies over and over?? I have a hard enough time making it through once… I feel compelled to get up and do laundry or something and call myself productive.

The Princess Bride
Blast from the Past
The Incredibles
Shrek 2 (Thankfully I like this movie…. Because it is Sweet Boy’s favorite)

Four Places I have Lived:
The Hi-Line, Montana (Everyone should grow up in a place like this…. It makes you appreciate other places so much more……)
Colorado Springs & Boulder, Colorado (Places I lived included such appetizing names as: The Virgin Vault, Cameltoe Hump (ok, it wasn’t really called that but Lala called it that and now I can’t remember the real name.. Camel something….)
Sacramento area, California (I lived in several ‘burbs… it doesn’t matter which ones… they are all the same.)
Helena, Montana (And you know I’ll probably die here.)

Four TV Shows I like to watch:
Because Thursday night is tv night at our house….

ER (Although I watch it more out of habit than entertainment these days….)
CSI (We watch this upstairs where we get reception of ABC & CBS while we tape My Name is Earl & The Office downstairs… it is that complicated… and, yes, rabbit ears are involved.)
My Name is Earl
The Office

I also have to add I really like Grey’s Anatomy but it is on the channel that doesn’t come in very well so we rarely watch it… but Lala tapes it and sends it to me sometimes. And Hot Stuff likes Love Monkey which is funny because he HATES monkeys…. But he likes that guy who used to be on Ed.

Four Places I have been on vacation:
Oaxaca, Mexico (Go. There. Now. The most amazing art & it is just FUN.)
Sulmona, Italy (Peaceful. And so flattering when some fat guy in plaid shorts asks, “Do-vey. Il. Vino Shoppe??” What would YOU do? Respond in English or screw around with him in Italian??)
Radium Hot Springs, Canada (My favorite vacation spot. In the past we have routinely taken 3 generations of women to Radium and we’ve all come back alive…. and done our part to support the Canadian economy.)
Jamaica (Does it say something sad that this is the only really beach-y place I’ve been? Is it sadder that I went there for a marine biology class and got college credit for the trip??)

Four Websites I go to weekly:

Helenair.com
Mt.gov
Epinions.com

Blog sites:
Truths & Half-Truths (and from there on to his blog list….)
LadyBug (and from there her blog list…)
A Mama’s Rant (and from there her blog list…)
Dooce
Sierrabella
Harlow & the Boys
Mrtl
Friday Playdate
DaycareDaze
M&Co.
MT Politics


Four favorite foods:
Spicy. Not insanely hot, but spicy anything… Thai, Mexican, Korean.
Sushi…. And did I post about the good sushi I had at Target in Colorado Springs in October??? Yes. Target. As in “See Spot Save.”
Foods that start with “C” like cheese & chocolate.
All those good homemade comfort foods I make when I’m really on task and have a meal plan worked out… like lasagna & pizza & tacos & calzones & chicken pot pie & spaghetti & stir fry & chili.

Four places I would rather be right now:
Someplace warm, secluded and perhaps slightly tropical with a tall fruity virgin umbrella drink, a big bottle of sunscreen and Hot Stuff…. Wearing nothing but a Steelers ball cap & a smile.

Just down the street at this place that does wonderful pregnancy massage.

At the Broadwater swimming in the hot springs with Sweet Boy…. What? Pregnancy is the only time you can go to the pool and be truly, deliciously unselfconscious. You know you look great and that fabulous pregnancy glow outshines the swelling ankles, poorly pedicured toes, & moon-face that come with the territory.

Curled up in the “nest” with Gunnar, Hot Stuff, Sweet Boy & Mrow-mrow. We have this futon as a sorry consolation prize for a spare bedroom… but it has great natural light, good lamps & reading material, a level spot for snacks & drinks, and lots of fluffy pillows & down blankets.

Four people I'm tagging:
You.
You.
You.
And You.

Now go… and tell me everything!

Single Parenthood: Day 3

Things are sliding downhill backwards as far as the AM routine.... Sweet Boy slept in until 9:00 this morning. I figure he's still a little out of it from being sick last week so I didn't wake him up... instead, I chose to stretch our morning together out even longer by going to Nana's work. She was just commenting about how her co-workers haven't seen him since he was a BABY. (It's true. When I was on maternity leave with him we walked to her work almost every afternoon for a little visit. It is about a mile from where we used to live & the perfect place for a potty break & a cool drink in the shade before walking home.) So my work arrival time was a stellar 10:30 am. Again I say... good thing I worked so much last weekend so I have time to burn. (That comment was really just for my brother.... he thinks I am a slothful worker whenever he catches me on IM when I'm working from home.... curious, isn't it, that he's usually at work with his feet up on his desk when he's calling me a slug....)

Sweet Boy & I went shopping last night.

I'm in search of that cheap-but-perfect black bag... the one that will hold my little purse, a few file folders, a water bottle & a snack.... comfortably but stylishly... I found three at Ross so I bought them all. My sister will help me decide.

Now, let me preface this by saying.... I talk to Sweet Boy all the time. So much so that sometimes I find myself in the grocery store saying, "Look. A tomato. What color are tomatoes? Tomatoes are red." and then I look down at my empty shopping cart and remember Sweet Boy is with his daddy and I thank my lucky stars I'm shopping at the local Vann's Thriftway where everyone knows me and not at Wal-Mart where the assistant manager has the men-in-white-coats on speed dial.

So when I ask, "Hey, do you want to look at black purses?" and Sweet Boy responds with, "No. Toys, mama." and cracks up the sales clerks it is really just an average day in the life of Homestead. We spent considerable time in the toy section but no purchases were made. Although I did note they have a lovely selection of "Chuck the Truck" 4-packs that would go nicely in the diaper bag & vehicles.

Sweet Boy talked to his daddy on the phone..... we've been practicing animal sounds and it made perfect sense when daddy asked, "What does a chicken say?" and Sweet Boy answered, "Oink. Oink." Like, duh, daddy.... everybody knows you have to ask them in the correct order and bacon trumps drumsticks any day.

2 nights down and 2 to go.....

Single Parenthood: Day 2

I cheated a little (wait.... finish the damn sentence before you go judging me....) and brought another semi-responsible adult into my world yesterday. My sister came to work, swapped cars with me, and got Sweet Boy from daycare. Then we all met at my house and went for a lovely walk.... with only two neighbor encounters -one bad & one good- for excitement. The "bad" neighbor said some vaguely menacing things about my (on a leash) dog and his pigeons. He didn't actually say my dog was a problem but warned me to not let him run by his house. I'm pretty sure he doesn't know what the hell he's talking about because my dog is penned during the day and doesn't cross the road to where his house is... but whatever. The "good" neighbor specifically came down to tell me not to let the "bad" neighbor bully me. Apparently he considers himself "The Mayor of the Gulch" and has run-ins with almost every neighbor including pulling a GUN on one, running one off the road and chasing her with a walking stick, shooting another's rooster & leaving it on someone else's doorstep. Charming. So how funny will I look going for a walk with my red fleece jacket, yuppy trek jogger stroller & a giant shotgun over my shoulder? Can I call it a cardio-weights combo workout? I think for the next few weeks I will walk the other direction even if it means sticking to the paved road with more traffic.

So when Hot Stuff called home to complain about how much math he has to do in his class (He swears it is worse than calculus....) I had a story to tell him. He was, um, less than pleased.

Sweet Boy... being the angel-boy that he is capable of being... went to bed at 8:30 and slept until 7:45 am. Not a peep.... except the cat banging on the door around midnight wanting out of his room.

We did better this morning... not that I left the house before 9:00... but I slept in until 7:30....

Chunk Light

It seems it has been a while since I've had a tuna lunch kit... the tuna now comes in a pouch that only reminds me of cat food a little bit and I got a plastic spoon instead of a wooden one that sets my teeth on edge. And I put in the whole packet of relish so that must count as a serving of veggies, right?

Single Parenthood: Day 1

I think we will have tofu hot dogs & velveeta grilled cheese sandwiches this week. Two foods I secretly love but would hate for anyone to know.....

The kid slept until 8:15 this morning. Which means I didn't get to work until 9:45. Good thing I worked 18 hours this weekend.

Hot Stuff called. He will be back Friday night. I'm counting the seconds....

Must figure out how to get to work earlier...... this morning I was up at 6:15, helped Hot Stuff gather his stuff and get out the door (good-bye's.... even long ones..... suck) by 7:00. Did a load of laundry, showered, dressed, checked email, took out the garbage, emptied the rest of my suitcase, emptied the dishwasher, fed Sweet Boy breakfast & dressed him, put the dog in the pen, loaded up the car & left the house by.... 9:00. How do people do this??

Susan wants details.... baby details. She specifically said she wanted conception details..... or was that NOT details..... here it is in quick outline form.... more next week.... I'm off shortly to Billings for work stuff this weekend..... who-hoo.

Oct 19: Return to Montana from Colorado vacation with Sweet Boy.

Oct 20 or 21st: Make a baby.

Some ridiculously early November date... a Sunday: Smell cat food... from across the house.... and, well, just know..... wait about 20 or 30 seconds and decide to pee on a stick. Yeah!

Spend all of November hoping not to miscarry.

Spend all of December laughing at how mad everyone will be we aren't telling them at Christmas.

January 6th: Call my folks and tell them. Dad says some fabulously memorable things that I wish I'd written down in more detail.... very happy. Then we went to dinner with Hot Stuff's parents and told them. (We weren't going to tell anyone but we HAD too... they were planning us into a trip to San Fran for a wedding in June.... there will be no travel for me in June.)

Various other dates: Doctor appts etc.

Feb 15th: Ultrasound

July 12th: Due Date

Feelings: I'm obviously designed to be a breeder.... no morning sickness (ok, once.... I gagged myself), no major weight gain, some bloating, no real cravings (although it is 10:00 am and I'm eating leftover hot-n-sour soup so......).

Maternity clothes: As mrtl says, "Friends don't let friends wear paisley." I wore then for 3.5 months with Sweet Boy..... If I can make it until April 1st it will only be 3.5 months for Sequel... there is NO WAY I'm making it until April 1st.... does that make all the pregnant women out there feel better? I know... it's hard to forgive me the no morning sickness thing, isn't it??

XL

And now, please, pause a moment, bow your heads & pray to whatever diety pleases you that Sunday's Super Bowl has the appropriate outcome.... whatever the outcome Hot Stuff will be unbearable to live with before, during and after the game.... although I do love the way he slowly unzips his fleece vest before he flashes me his Steeler-clad chest.

The Crown Prince

Because, really.... hasn't it just been TOO LONG since you've seen a little kid in prison stripes & a smashed down cowboy hat?

These are my parents....

Hhmmmm.

Do you think it is bad my brother is referring to this baby as "The Sequel."????

The day rapidly approaches....

...And soon I will be sportin' these.

Oscar Buzz

Of all the Oscar-nominated movies..... I've seen one. Cinderella Man. When did I fall into this cinematic hole & how do I get out?

A few trips to Center Stage (I know.... sounds like a strip club.... but it is locally owned) would help.... but which movie should I see first & which ones should I skip and, most importantly, which ones would Hot Stuff hate? (He will be gone for work a lot in February so I need to build up a list of things I want to see that he won't mind missing....)

We have a new, very nice, movie theatre in town and I've never been to it. We keep talking about going there for a date but, honestly, the last movie I remember us going to on a date was "How the Grinch Stole Christmas." Truly.

Sports....

Class "C" sports are a big deal. But read this and tell me what you think....

After I hear some of your ideas I'll tell you some of MY small town sports stories......

Like, Totally Awesome Dude

I just slipped into an 80's time warp.... complete with bleached, permed mall hair & jelly bracelets. JELLY BRACELETS??? Remember those? The Neanderthal pre-cousin to the yellow silicone LiveStrong bracelets.

I went to get my license plates renewed. The state of Montana is issuing new plates... AGAIN. The women (they are all women... why are they all women??) who work at the DMV all look like they just stepped out of "Pretty in Pink" or something. I saw boots with white fringe. I saw pale blue eyeshadow & frosty pink lipstick.

I think I'll go home and watch "Flashdance" now.....

Veggie Tales

It’s not like I’m asking him to be the Jolly Green Giant.

I try to be a laid-back mama about food. I think (as will most things) it is important to know the rules and when & how to break them. I try to avoid anything that will stain his face an unnatural shade of orange or that has more than three ingredients I can’t pronounce. I try to avoid high-sodium prepackaged food. (But oh my, how I love me some cheese-n-broccoli soup…. Have you read the sodium content on that stuff???) I try to lead by example.

And I fail.

This is a child who will pick the green goldfish out of a rainbow fish pond. He picks out the green pastas in the special “wacky mac” I make for him.

He won’t even eat fruit. No grapes. No bananas. No applesauce. (Ok, in the name of fair disclosure, if I force-feed him the first bite of applesauce he will eat the rest but, always, the fight over the first bite.)

This is his veggie consumption:
Raw carrots. But usually I find the dog nawing on at least part of it long after mealtime is over.
Frozen corn. Sometimes.
Mama’s red sauce. I use this for everything. It’s basically cooked up tomatoes, onions, mushrooms, red bell peppers, carrots that I run through the blender. It’s spaghetti sauce, pizza sauce, everything.
Fresh salsa.
Kim chi. But only the mild kind and not the chunks… just the juice.
Corn & carrots in chicken pot pie will sometimes sneak past his lips….
Sweet potato fries. (Especially if I use the Cajun seasoning.)
Popcorn. (I know. I know.)
Ketchup. (Hey the president says it is one…)

So I got a little advice from Mary P. on the subject. I like her plan but I’m facing some, uh, resistance from the other half of this parenting duo. So I have to wait until he’s gone for the weekend to implement Project Eat-a-Bean.

Until then I will continue to refer to popcorn as a vegetable and hide tiny slices of green beans under the cheese in the pizza.

How do you sneak veggies into the diet of your loved ones??

Overheard last night.....

"Dude, don't fall on that thing."

"Get that thing out of your mouth if you are going to run."

"What is that thing?"

"Honey, does our son have a plastic crotch cream applicator in his mouth?"

What?* They make great tub toys. They come in packets of 7... one for each finger on one hand, one in the mouth and one, well, on any other projection-y body part you can think of.....


*It isn't like they were used. They are leftovers from the great butt-rash escapade of Oct 2005.

Escapee Update

They caught him…. Around 10:30 pm. He was holed up in a local motel. I didn’t shoot anyone, the police didn’t shoot anyone and we got to see Cheryl (the sheriff) on tv again. A less-than-dramatic ending, no? But a few funny things did come out of the situation….

Hot Stuff went to play poker in Montana City around 7:00 pm…. A well deserved break for the busy stay-at-home daddy, right? The host called me shortly after he left home and asked how much he was allowed to drink. Seriously. He called to ask. I told him the standard rule… he can have as much as he wants but don’t let him drive drunk and if he pees on any of my furniture I’ll kill him. (What… it’s a long way from our bedroom to the bathroom… what if he gets lost??) So around 11:00 I went to get him. (Remember this bit of info… it becomes important later in the story.)

We left on Friday to go to Great Falls to watch my sister compete for Miss Rodeo Montana. (I’m not kidding… could I make this up??) We came home on Sunday afternoon and Hot Stuff came storming into the house, in a panic, asking, “Where’s the Jeep? Somebody stole the Jeep. My BINOCULARS were in the Jeep.” Yes, he was more concerned about the binoculars than the Jeep and rightly so… they are worth more.

The binoculars were in the cupboard where they always are and, well, we all know where the Jeep was, don’t we…..

Trouble in Paradise

Exciting happenings tonight here in Redneckia.

An escaped convict. He (allegedly) slipped his shackles, shucked his clothes & shimmied out of a sunroof while the transport van was stopped at a stop sign. That was at 7:00 am. At 11:00 am (when the transport arrived at the state pen in Deer Lodge) they realized he wasn't there. As of 6:00 tonight he is still out there. The lady at the grocery store said he got a ride to Town Pump at 4:00 pm. Would you pick up a dude in black boxers, a white t-shirt & black tennies on a 40 degree day???

The best part? This isn't the first time this has happened. Not long ago a prisoner slipped a transport when they stopped for fast food.... they found him when he tried to car-jack a guy.... from the house next door to my boss. Turns out he had been hiding in her backyard flower bed all evening while she was calmly watching HGTV and eating popcorn.

So here we sit.... doors locked, guns loaded & Mary (my trusty 4D utility flashlight) ready to blind and beat any intruders. Lord have mercy on any Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons on a mission or political campaigners who show up here tonight.....

Sweet Boy & his Great Grandpa

1. Yes, that is a boomerang behind that angel.

2. Yes, my mom has hideous kitchen carpet. But don't tell her that.... she likes it.

3. Yes, that is most likely a glass of straight rum Grumps is drinking.

4. Yes, they both adore tractors.

Um, thanks?!?!

Oh. I forgot to mention... the knife that Hot Stuff used to impale his leg.... a Christmas gift from my brother. A FREEBIE that his company gives away.... we all got lovely John Deere tractor key chains too. But where's my hat, dammit????

The hmm-hmmm update

After very careful inspection, I am pleased to report that Hot Stuff's hmm-hmmm is doing just fine. Oh, his leg is ok too.

NO STITCHES. Just a lot of irrigation and some super glue.... you think I'm kidding, don't you?

Much thanks to Ladybug for the term "manties" (man-panties) which still has me laughing.

Hot Stuff gave me a very animated explanation of everything that occurred.... I'd like to try to interpret some of his descriptions with words here, if I may....

"The knife was a little dull from cutting through that deer head so I really gave 'er the onion and...." (This means he really tried hard.... I don't know where this phrase came from but you've gotta try using it at the next family get-together.... )

"...then in my overzealousness ...." (Yes, he really uses words like "overzealousness" because the man has, like, eleventy-million college degrees & he's a big fat show-off.... And yes, I did ask if the knife stuck in like when you flick it at a tree stump. It did.)

"...I sort of stuck myself by my right knee..." (No where NEAR his hmm-hmmm.)

".... but the nurse (a man) was cool about it. He sort of held the gown out in front of him and let me take it so he didn't have to see my junk....." (Does this one require interpretation??)

So, people, let this be a lesson.... don't cut towards yourself.... ever.

At least his hmm-hmmm is safe....

My husband just stuck himself in the leg with a knife.

He called me on the way to the emergency room.

What do I say?

Are you ok? Yes.
What knife? My new one.
Oh good... it is clean and sharp. Well, no, I used it to cut a deer head apart.
So you're going to die of blood poisoning.... gram positive bacteria. Maybe.
Did it wreck your pants? Yes.
Did you whack your hmm-hmmm? No, I didn't whack my hmm-hmmm but I'm not wearing any underwear so somebody is going to see my hmm-hmmm. (I can hear Dave howling with laughter in the background.)
Do you want me to go home and get you some panties and meet you there? No.
Do you want to stop at Target and make Dave go in and buy you some undies? No.
Don't forget to file worker's comp. Right-o.
How far in did it stick? About 1/2 an inch or so.
Are you going to do that again? No.
Are you going to cut towards yourself anymore? Not for a long time.
Is it gushing or oozing? Oozing.
Is your leg elevated? No.
Elevate your leg. Ok, yeah, I gotta go. (I can hear Dave, the loudest man in the world, saying "Mother Hen First Responder" in the background.)
Hang up on me and I'll just call you back. Oh, right. (More background laughter.)

My life is fascinating.

One of these things is EXACTLY like the other....

Ok, picture this.... breakfast. My sister & I are having the following discussion....

What's the difference between.....

A bowl of rice crispies with milk & a cup of cocoa with marshmallows.
OR
Rice crispy treats (with chocolate on top) and a glass of milk.
???

Really.

More Sweet Boy.....

Telling Auntie a story....

Hanging out at the river with Grandma & Smokey (the dog)

Everybody say, "Cows Dammit."

Things I saw on my way to work this morning.....

1. A green toilet. Not sage green. Not seafoam green. Really more of a cross between grass green and chartruse green. It was sitting on the front step of a local business.... I wonder how long it has been sitting there?

2. A monster truck decorated with Christmas lights sitting in someone's front yard. Complete with candy-swirl decorations where the monster lights go and a giant inflatable Sponge Bob in a Santa hat sitting in the back.

I'm going to think about this for a while.....

You know that part in “Runaway Bride”….

The part where he asks all the ex’s how the bride likes her eggs and everyone gives a different answer…. And they all happen to be the way THEY like their eggs?

That’s me.

And, I’ve discovered, I’m not alone.

A friend of mine & I have been discussing this over email. We would discuss it in person but we are the same about that too…. We are good friends but being good friends means being ok with the fact that time is a precious thing…. We don’t have the time or the energy to get together as often as we would like. And that is too bad. But at least we know that and are honest about it.

We were discussing holiday traditions and all. We are both the oldest of several children (me-3, her-4) and our childhood has very similar dysfunctions. And we both handle situations the same way…. Almost to the point of scary. Lots of planning and lists but many built-in options for flexibility or plan-changing. We are both very smart & very practical. We are both shy but self-assured… which often comes across as aloof. We are both mediators in our families. We both value family very much and almost always sacrifice our own happiness for the “common good” of the family. We both suffer from stomach ailments or “weak” stomachs… gee, think that has anything to do with being the mediators instead of the screamers?? At 2:00 am after a stressful day or event you will find either one of us, sleepless, scrubbing the grout around the toilet with a toothbrush or alphabetizing the spice rack. And yet, most people who know us would say we are “laid-back” and would only use the term “anal” if they saw my carefully labeled and organized medicine cupboard or looked in my container-lid drawer.

We were never close in school. Circumstances beyond our control made the kids in my class very self-reliant and close with each other but beyond that I was never much of a one for friends. I lived too far from town and things were too strict or strange at my house…. Nothing horrible or unspeakable…. Just the usual FUN in dysfunctional.

Talking with her this week has been a fascinating exploration of myself. We agree on so many things and can see our own behaviors & defenses in the other person….. scary, but reassuring too.

I don’t know where I was going with this but I guess I’ll finish by saying it is nice to know I’m not alone in the many facets of my personality.

Susie's Cookie Exchange

The post below is my standard yearly form letter. Susie has offered up a Blog Cookie Exchange challenge. Here are my contributions:

1. My form letter & a photo card of Sweet Boy.... tradition.
2. Black holiday socks with little santas on the sides.
3. My black velvet pants.... elastic waist.... the key to healthy fudge consumption.
4. Fudge & caramels. My fudge was perfect, the caramels were soft and this year I branched out and did truffles too.... they are easy but they really do look like reindeer poop.
5. My brilliant gift idea this year seems to be dvd's and art supplies.
6. We don't do much outdoor decorating.... no plug-ins means no Grizwold-style light displays but I do try to decorate the barn loft and do a few things with plain greens & bows. I'll post pictures if I take any....
7. Holiday Party Season is limited to 24 hours. This year we did Hot Stuff's work party on Saturday night and mine on Sunday afternoon..... we didn't do any other parties.... does that mean we are anti-social or have no friends?
8. My family opens gifts on Christmas Eve, then does Santa presents & gifts from distant relatives on Christmas day. Hot Stuff's family does it all on Christmas day.... it is a long day.
9. My family is known for "casual" meals on Christmas Eve. Favorites include CostCo lasagnas & bag salad or cold cuts & import beer varieties. It is about being together... not being in the kitchen. My "style" is rubbing off on my husband's family.... although I have yet to convince them "fudge & cookie bar" is an acceptable meal buffet.
10. I am totally going to kick Hot Stuff's ass on the Christmas tally this year. I have so many thoughtful and perfect gifts for him and awesome stocking stuffers. Yes, it is a competition and, yes, for some reason competitiveness makes me sound like a valley-girl.... totally awesome.

Yes, I'm one of those people.....

Ok, people, this holiday season we are taking a vote at the Homestead household. Who thinks my Holiday Form Letter is clever, witty & charming? (Silence…chirping crickets…) Ok, who agrees with my darling husband and would rather be saved the torture of finding their reading glasses and just get an adorable photo card of the boy?

Too bad. The letter tradition continues… Actually, I told Hot Stuff I would be fairer this year and include the low-lights as well as the highlights of 2005. He just didn’t think anyone wanted to hear I locked my son in the car (in Colorado, in October… there goes Mother-of-the-Year AGAIN). But isn’t it interesting to know Sweet Boy can say, “Dammit. Cows.” and sound, oddly enough, JUST LIKE his Grandpa Al?? Ok, I won’t tell you Hot Stuff & I still argue about letting the cat out or about my little “problem” with closing the garage door.

We went to Cannon Beach in May. Sweet Boy’s first airplane trip. Honestly, can I say Sweet Boy is easier to fly with than Hot Stuff? Hot Stuff doesn’t like to fly… must have something to do with that one time they thought the fusee residue on his fire clothes was bomb-making material. We had a great time in Cannon Beach, it was a family reunion for Nana's family. Finally met Cousin Bobby and, of course, immediately loved him… he is irreverent & funny and we share a fondness for grapefruit juice and vodka. Hot Stuff’s family is really into eating, drinking & laughing. I won’t talk about my favorite meal since Uncle Gene could go to jail... that's all I'm going to say...

In June we had a little housewarming party… A keg of Blackfoot Brewery’s finest and Papa running the bbq is really all you need to have a good party. Gunnar thought he was in heaven with all those kids playing t-ball… I don’t think the kids were quite as impressed when the “outfielder” ate their ball. We are currently negotiating whether this party will become an annual deal or not…. If it doesn’t, just show up at our house sometime around the beginning of June and we will party anyway.

We spent quite a bit of time with the Lala family this year. Lala and the kids came up in July. We spent some quality time at Spring Meadow Lake. Sweet Boy & I went down there in October. We ate sushi at Target… I’m not kidding. It was good, too. Now we are trying to talk them into coming up here to ski this winter.

In December we headed to Las Vegas. The rodeo was a blast and Sweet Boy loved every minute. We bought an umbrella stroller for the trip…. Best $10 we’ve ever spent. Sweet Boy stuck his sippy cup by one leg and his little backhoe by the other, pulled his hat down low over his eyes and he was ready to go. The whole clan was there….mom & dad, Brother & Sister. Not only did we NOT injure each other… But everyone managed to have a really good time. And, no, for those of you wondering… Dad did not show up at the airport with a carry-on dog food bag… although we all know that is his preferred method for packing his gear.

Yes, life is pretty sweet here in the Gulch. Sweet Boy & Daddy are watching his (supposed to be a Christmas present) Shrek 2 dvd and eating popcorn. Is popcorn a vegetable? If it is we can put it on the short list of veggies Sweet Boy will eat. He also doesn’t eat anything green… including green goldfish crackers and green m&m’s. Sweet Boy points at the ceiling fan and says, “Ewlicopter,” and he loves to do “dangerous tricks” and turn somersaults. I tried to get a holiday picture with his riding moose but he refused to ride on it… he’d rather grab it by the neck and wrestle it to the ground…. Then he stands up, throws his hands in the air and waits for the applause. He really is a character and there are so many stories…

Hope you all have a wonderful holiday season and a happy 2006. Stop by and visit if you can!

Redneck Medicine

*I said this over at Friday Playdate and I'm saying it again.....

Screw the tylenol. If you are truly sick go with Theraflu & Wild Turkey.

You think I'm kidding, don't you?

Put on your jammies & sit on the edge of the bed and drink it down in a few big gulps.... because if you aren't on the edge of the bed you WILL NOT make it to bed and will wake up several days later passed out on the floor with Captain Crunch stuck to the side of your face.... oh wait, that's a different story.....

Maybe you would recover in that passed-out time period even if you were awake... but it is so much more pleasant to be dead-unconscious.

Uncle Mo (not really my uncle) swears by it and says it MUST be Wild Turkey. We don't keep Wild Turkey around the house (it causes Hot Stuff to do an unfortunate thing called the "Turkey Dance" and, especially after that one video, we just don't want that) but I've found that Black Velvet works just as well.... don't waste any of the good stuff on this (Oh lordy... I can hear my brother stepping up on his soap box now to remind me the QUALITY that is BV....) because it really does taste like.... hmmm, words are evading me here.... it tastes like mentholated lemon-flavored rocket fuel. But damn if it doesn't work.

Go ahead... try Redneck Medicine. You'll like it.

Well Fuck.

Sorry, had to drop the f-bomb in the title just to keep with the spirit of things....

I just found a post I wrote in mid-October and never posted..... so here it is..... kinda unfinished.... like so many things.....

Things I learned this weekend.

You can wrap a package beautifully and still not like the parents of the little girl you are giving the gift too.

The grey in my hair is paint…. Really.

You will feel better if you get new green apple dishwasher detergent & dish soap…. Then splurge and buy yourself a green apple candle and start referring to it as “spa kitchen.”

I end way too many sentences with prepositions. When did my grasp of the language become so poor? And why do I think myself justified in tacking “asshole” on the end of every sentence just to cover the preposition?

If you give a little boy a cup of water and a sponge brush he will “paint” an entire door clean. No guarantees on what you are setting yourself up for in the future when he gets his hands on a paint-loaded paintbrush.

Babies like McDonald’s. (First McD’s meal…. Write it in the baby book!)

When you touch up trim at knee level be prepared to discover a little boy with paint behind his ears.

The Dyson Rocks.

No matter how funny you might think it would be to paint a grey skunk stripe on the dog… don’t do it.

Getting up at 6:00 am sucks…. Especially on a weekend.

If you paint the garage door it will rain.

The older I get the less tolerance I have for modern country music.

Why do people say fucking cold?

I mean, isn't that an oxymoron? Fucking cold. I guess you could start out fucking cold.... like if you were doing it in a snowbank or something.... but really, the act itself just makes things warm.... doesn't it?

West Yellowstone was -45F yesterday..... that is WITHOUT wind chill.

Our thermometers were -23, -24 & -21 yesterday at 9:00 am. Yes, I have 3 thermometers. Shut up.

It doesn't feel too miserable as long as there is no wind and you keep moving. The snow is so cold and frozen it doesn't stick to anything.... it is odd and I can't really explain it... you just have to see it.

My father-in-law got the jeepster running while we were gone and plowed out our yard.... a good thing since the pickup doesn't have a block heater and won't start so I'm driving the car.

What's a block heater? Well, have you ever been in cold country and seen a little plug-in dangling out of the front of a vehicle? Did the driver tell you it was an electric car and he needed a really long extension cord? He was lying. It's a little heater that plugs in and warms the engine block so the car will start.... and the Dodge doesn't have one.... how dumb is that? Guess what Hot Stuff is getting for Christmas.... yup, a block heater and a new extension cord. My mom has this really cool extension cord with a light on it so you know the outlet works.... but it is white.... think about that.... white extension cord, white snow storm.... you won't find the plug in for that baby until spring!

How do you survive in weather this cold? Stay warm. Seriously. Dress for it. We have a chicken light (can I make this stuff up?) in our well house to keep things from freezing and when it is really miserable we keep the cupboard under the sink open so the water line doesn't freeze and the water running at a trickle so the drain pipe doesn't freeze.

And get this.... THEY AREN'T CLOSING THE SCHOOLS. Because, well, why? They have to keep the schools warm enough to prevent frozen pipes and that's warm enough for learning, right? One of my friends said kids were outside for recess on Monday. Other states close the schools if there is a foot of snow and the temp is below zero.... not here.

Are we tough or stupid? Wait... don't answer that.....

Ho-Ho-Fucking-Ho

I'm feeling a little behind on the whole holiday season. Anyone else?

This morning I trudged to the giant closet (the old feed storage shed I de-mousitized and turned into my personal storage space) and drug out the boxes of Christmas decor. This weekend I'll decorate the barn loft (we don't do outside lights but I like to put a little something in the barn loft.... right now a scarecrow & a big corn sheaf are up there....) When we moved out of town we made a serious effort to simplify the holidays.... cutting down on the decorations, gifts, parties & general static.

The tree.... we are cheating about the tree.... last year we hiked about eleventy-million miles into the woods to get the perfect tree.... it really was lovely but my out-of-shape self almost DIED and there was no snow so we had to carry it out rather than skid it on a sled. We have another spot we can usually drive too that requires less hiking but with all the snow and cold this year (you didn't think I was going to let you forget it is -23 F here, did you??) we won't be able to get in there and it wouldn't be safe to take Sweet Boy.... so Hot Stuff's boss planned a thinning project for this weekend in an area with lots of Christmas tree-sized trees. So no big family event but we will end up with a great tree for the price of a $3 permit.

Last night I got groceries. Two work holiday parties this weekend to do potluck stuff for and candy-making things. I do fudge & caramels every year.... because it is really hard to screw up fudge and caramels (although one year we had "spoon fudge" on accident...) this year I'm branching out and adding rice crispy treats..... I know, I know.... hold me back! This morning I hit Target for that holiday stuff.... you know..... toilet paper & paper plates.... the stuff it sucks to run out of when you live 10 or more miles from Target and have guests.

Hot Stuff ordered our Christmas card photos last week.... can't wait to see what he picked. Yes, I do a form letter.... and, yes, I brag about my kid in it.... bite me.

Shopping. Well.... I have IDEAS for everyone... does that count? I'm about half way done. I plan to knock off a bit more of that tomorrow morning.... this is one serious advantage to having too much vacation time.... coming to work at 10:00.

Santa is bringing dental hygiene products for everyone this year..... this is one of those odd things that started when I was a kid..... Sweet Boy is getting a spiderman electric toothbrush & fruit-flavored toothpaste. He's also getting new crayons, mitten clips & a sticker book.

Oh hell, I guess I better confess now..... I over-shopped for Sweet Boy. I wasn't going to tell you.... after talking about simplifying and all.... he is getting a new toybox, a Shrek 2 dvd (which we've actually already opened and watched....), a Shark Tales dvd, a new big boy sled, a plastic backhoe (if I can find one....), Dr. Seuss books and a step stool/tool box (if I make it out to Home Depot before Christmas....). I was also going to get him a Lands End snowsuit but they are backordered until January.... whew, saved myself $65 there..... And you KNOW Hot Stuff will go out the week before Christmas and buy him a bunch of stuff.... we are OUT OF CONTROL.

So, how is everyone else doing with the howl-iday season??

Happy Birthday to You.

Happy Birthday dear Lala.....

A gorgeous package is brewing on my desk.... but it might be a while before I mail it.... wanna get those half-price post-holidays hershey kisses you know......

Viva Las Vegas

** in which I again brag about my perfect child.

Family Vacation 2005 is officially over. Here’s the recap. We left Saturday afternoon out of the newly remodeled Helena International Airport (what? It has flights to Canada…. That’s international.) Lovely airport, we were on-time, the giant red suitcase weighed in at exactly 50 pounds, it was still above zero degrees, the Saints football game was on the radio and they were winning…. Life is good. Flying time to SLC is about an hour. Sweet Boy & Daddy colored with the color wonder markers (Ok, confession…. When I first heard of color wonder I was horrified….. won’t something that only colors the pictures stunt Sweet Boy’s creativity? I now believe color wonder ranks right up there with yogurt-covered raisins, umbrella strollers & sippy cups as the most amazing things ever invented.) I said, “Sweet Boy, can you color the deer’s nose?” and he promptly markered his own little button-nose…. But hey, it’s color wonder… no harm done!! We raced through the SLC airport…. Only 45 minutes of layover and when you are flying into Concourse E it is always a mad-dash….. Sweet Boy was in heaven…. Pointing and saying, “airplane, airplane” over and over. He wasn’t sure what to call the luggage carriers but he settled on “tractor” and he even saw some “big trucks” and a “pickup” too. True nirvana was reached when we saw a BACKHOE. He promptly fell asleep immediately after take-off. (I didn’t even drug him this trip…. I swear.)

We had a long, long shuttle trip to the hotel (take a taxi…. It costs a few bucks more but takes way less time.) We rested a few minutes and then met up with my mom & sister. They’d been there since Tuesday and swore after a few days you didn’t notice the smoke quite as much…. Yes, I’m complaining about the smokiness. Sorry, but I come from a state that just went completely smoke-free. (Ok, some places have until 2007 to comply.) I’m also going to complain a little about the prices of some things…. Overall, not too bad but there was this one $4.50 hot dog that Sweet Boy didn’t eat that’s really bugging me….. My dad & brother arrived a little later in the evening. Oh yes, the whole nerd herd was there….

We spent two days wandering around, going to Cowboy Christmas (vendor hell) and just acting like tourists. Sweet Boy loved the tram, the helicopters that fly over regularly, the lights & all the water features. We were disappointed the Treasure Island boats were out of commission and we decided not to fork over the cash to go to the Secret Garden and see the animals.

Sunday night we went to the rodeo. Amazing. Truly. I like rodeo anyway but this was an amazing event. We smuggled in a bit of Black Velvet (in the diaper bag… rather than the usual boot-top storage method preferred by my brother). Hot Stuff did an amazingly elaborate dance on the escalator (pretending) to go back down so the lady at the bottom could search his backpack… then she kinda realized he was with Sweet Boy and said, “oh, never mind” and I again realized just how devious my darling husband really is….

Taking cabs (we did it 3 times) made me sick to my stomach. No car seats. Need I say more?

On the way to the airport we bought an umbrella stroller. Best $9.96 I’ve ever spent. Sweet Boy likes to stash his sippy cup on one side of his legs and his toy on the other and away we go.

The flight home was very uneventful. It left at 6:45 am so we all napped most of the way. Being brilliant, I got cheesy-crackers for my “snack” and Sweet Boy broke them into pieces and dropped bits of fake cheese all over me…. Hot Stuff tried to help and managed to smear the cheese everywhere. Ah, motherhood. (I do remember a time when I traveled a lot for work and got on the plane wearing spiffy little outfits carrying a book, my ticket & a bottle of water….. those days, my friend, are LONG GONE.)

Sweet Boy lived up to his title and was, truly, sweet the whole time. What an amazing kid. Running on limited naps, late nights, odd eating schedules and going, going, going and he never melted down once. (Well, not totally true…. We got home Tuesday and went to lunch at Pizza Hut buffet and he cried when he was pooping his pants at the table and everyone looked at him…. Boy likes to poop in private.)

Dam.

Little boy walking around the house saying, “Dam. Damiam. DAM. Dam?!?” He looks at his mama and says, “Dam?” Mama scowls, looks around and points towards his crib. Little boy grins, giggles and runs to the crib yelling, “DAM” and then rattles off a string of garbled gibberish while trying to wrestle an orange book out from between the crib railings.

Is the little boy in trouble? Listen closer to his gibberish ….DAM.

Get it?

**UPDATE** Mary P. got it. He's developed an addiction to "Green Eggs & Ham."

My mom says this is called Kaleechee.

Sweet Boy is getting ready to go for a slide. (Don't worry... I didn't let him go down the big hills) These hills are really fun when it is muddy!

You can see true love between my sis & her guy in this series.... in the end she ditched him for the fun slide down the slope. Atta girl!