Where the Alligators Roam.....

"Mom.  Alligators are in Georgia."

Ok.

"Mom.  They not in the bathroom. (Shaking head and making a very funny face) No.  Not in the bathroom."

Monday Notes

Things of note:

Ghostbusters isn't as funny as I thought it was.

Taking three kids to a play (The Pirate Play) actually IS a good idea. All three were completely mesmerized.... even if I planned for Bugsy to nurse and nap... she wanted to watch the action. It helps that it is a one-act play and, well... PIRATES.

26 degrees is cold.

Having a meal plan is relaxing.

Hunting season is stressful.

Going to bed before 9:30pm is the new reality.

Letting your kids create a playground in the spare bedroom is a good idea.

Playing school is a fabulous idea. (I'm Mrs. Beasley and I ring a bell when we change activities.)

A new washer and dryer really is wonderful.

Spending enough time every day to read one chapter of a nice trashy novel can double as "me" time. (Even if you nurse the babe while you do it.)

Nothing is as relaxing as having all the rooms in your house tidied (notice I said "tidy" and not "clean") at one time.

Morning routine charts are good.

Alarm clocks that accidentally go off at 4:00am on non-hunting days are bad.

Cinnamon bun creamer is good.

Straightening my cowlicks and putting on mascara are my new glamour thing. (Did you hear that sister? Mascara. Me. It is a revolution.)

Danskos are excellent... especially red mary janes purchased on the cheap.

Husbands who wash their own hunting clothes are rare and treasured.

Kids who tidy their own bedrooms are rare and treasured.

New underpants will make up for a lot of shortcomings.

Drooly, teething, grinning babies are adorable.

Halloween candy is evil.

Fundraisers are also evil. Way evil.

The smell of grapefruit makes me very happy.

The taste of grapefruit juice (especially with vodka) makes me very happy.

What are you DOING this summer?

So Elle is asking.... What are you DOING this summer?

Now..... I don't really feel qualified to answer this..... I mean.... I go to an office 40 hours a week and my kids aren't in school yet.... so, with that qualification.... Here's our summer plan.

The babe is due June 28th.

Our lives are going to be simple, simple, simple....

Sweet & Tuff will do some private swim lessons in July and, possibly, an organized group set in August. This will let them be in the pool without me risking drowning 3 children (or myself) in the process.... Happy.

Wednesdays are "town" days. We will try for 10:30 story hour at the library and any errands on Wednesdays. Most times I will probably pack a snack lunch and we will eat at the park or somewhere.

Sundays are grill days. I'm going to try some new grill recipes.... veggies and stuff.... besides the usual fare of steak, burgers & hobo dinners.

We have plans to, periodically (every 10 days or so) meet family at our favorite lake-type place in town and have a picnic for dinner. Spinnin' chicken and strawberries for dinner. I love Costco.

Our daily schedule will vary but I try to sneak out of bed between 6:15-6:30 and have some quiet time... this summer I will be able to walk because Hot won't go to work until 9. On the elliptical at 7 if I can't walk. Kids get up and eat breakfast, do sunscreen, get dressed and brush teeth with minimal help. Tuff needs help with her hair and her pink sparkly lip gloss.

I shower ever day. Every. Single. Day. Mmm.... what a decadent goal.

My "projects" for the summer include cleaning the garage and painting the porch posts and upstairs outside window trim. Wish me luck.

The kids' "projects" for the summer include making fairy gardens and building things out of old wood and painting rocks.

Creek time. We try to play down by the creek a few times a week. It is cool in the heat. We also will have the swing set done and the pool on the corner of the porch. I can sit in my rocker and see everything I need to see.

Lunches will, generally, be eaten outside every day. We have a little table set up on the porch.

Saturday mornings are Farmer's Market and/or Cartoons.

Friday nights are movie nights.

I'm going to try to sneak in 8-10 hours of work a week during the first few weeks to stretch the maternity leave.

I'll let you know about mid-summer how it is all going.....

Things my son said this week....

"Mmmm mama, you smell like swimming trunks." (True, true... I was cleaning every surface with disinfecting wipes after Tuff's weekend-o-vomit last weekend.)

"Hey grandma... I didn't touch my weiner and I didn't touch the toilet seat, so I don't have to wash my hands." (That sounds like a daddy rule, doesn't it?)

"Mom, I can't draw a heart... can I draw a trapezoid instead?" (Um... sure.... I'm sure the trapezoid it the universal sign of affection somewhere.....)

"Hey, mama, where did that one bag that was in your bedroom go? You know... the one with the presents in it?" (Hah! Sucker. I hid it.)

"Hey mom.... watch this." (This will be replaced in his early 20's with.... Ya'll hold my beer and watch this.... this time it involved riding down the hill and launching himself off the manure pile on his bike....)

"Hey mom... I like riding my bike in my snow pants.... it doesn't hurt at all when I tip over."

Princess

File this under things the pre-kid me thought I'd never do:

Put princess stickers on a little girl's shoes.

Tuff is very sad. Her brother -who has Wile E Coyote feet- got new tennis shoes this week. And they have Transformers, lights AND velcro. Meanwhile she's stuck with a pair of hand-me-down white Nikes with a pink swoosh and, gasp, laces.

This weekend Sweet soaked his spidey shoes (ahh.... remember the days when I swore I wouldn't raise licensed-characted obsessed children? So young and so adorable was I....) and I discovered he had no backups. Oops. Couple that with the fact he learned to ride a 2-wheeler and he uses his feet for brakes and, well, the kid needed shoes.

The spidey-shoes came from Target on clearance for less than $7.... so I'm assuming similar replacements can be found. Alas.... no.

I looked at Target, Shopko & Ross. Nothing. So I sent Hot shopping. He went to Famous Footwear and, for WAY more than I'd spend on a pair of shoes that will be trashed in 3 months, he outfitted our son. (You know the rule to a happy marriage... if you want them to do something then you can't criticize how they do it. Right?)

Sweet was in heaven and practiced running very fast in his new SIZE ONE** shoes. Tuff was pissed.... Now every time we go somewhere she says, hopefully, "Target? Pincess soesh?"

Which brings us to this morning's sticker antics.

I called Hot to tell him and he laughed out loud for about 30 seconds. She's such a.... personality.

So Santa might start looking around for some Tinkerbell sneakers..... because, really, it's all about making sure my Precious Baby is happy.....

**Size One? Size One? He's FOUR YEARS OLD. Size One. I know ELEVEN year olds who don't wear a size one. He really is built like Wile E Coyote.

tidbits

SarahP made me laugh out loud with her comment about heart & liver as spare dog food. I will eat elk heart. I won't eat the liver of any animal.... sorry, I worked on a liverfluke research project and I just can't do it.

Caroline asked about doing black beans for the freezer. I just do what the crockpot lady tells me to do to make beans and they turn out ok. I'd like to try her refried bean recipe but haven't gotten around to it. She also mentioned what to do if the power goes out for days? I'd call my dad and ask him to bring the generator down. But, seriously, we would pack a bunch of quilts in the freezer for extra insulation and cross our fingers. Those chest freezers will stay really cold for a long time if you don't open them.

Also... I've been thinking about trying her "crockpot yogurt" recipe. At first, it sounded a little, well, crack pot to me... but I might like it. I do love vanilla yogurt.

And this crayon thing.... I've been dreaming about it. Actually about doing it in a flat pan and cutting out cookie-cutter crayons while it is still warm. How cute would it be if I owned a set of little tiny alphabet cookie cutters?? (I don't... but I've seen them.)

And, OMG, in looking for the crayon link I found PUMPKIN SPICE LATTES. How good does that sound??? Vats and vats of it.

Caroline also asked about painting supplies in the freezer. To this I say WHAT? You DON'T have paint brushes in the freezer? Then you are much more on-the-ball and into completing projects than I am.... When I need to stop a painting project before I'm done, I wrap brushes in plastic wrap or an old Target bag and toss them in the freezer instead of cleaning them. Let them thaw a little and you are good to go.

My best example of this was staining the deck & wrap around porch the summer Tuff was born. As far as projects go it wasn't bad.... mostly flat surface and minimal prep work. But staining with a two-year-old and a newborn? Oh my. So I worked mostly during nap times over the course of several weeks. Got it done.

Wanna list of current "paint projects" in my freezer?

1. White exterior primer brush. For painting the porch posts & windows.... I was going great guns but then I hit the south side of the house... where the "weather" happens.... and much scraping and sanding is required.... I lost my motivation.
2. Pale green (peaceful jade) interior brush. Painted Tuff's room... still need to finish the ceiling edging... also planning to paint some of the living room this color.
3. Palladian blue interior brush. If I ever get the ceilings painted I will need this brush to touch up where I mess up in the laundry room.
4. Lady finger interior roller. I started the dining room & kitchen... and I have the paint..... and I want this to be the "base" color for the whole house....
6. Ivory tusk interior roller. The laundry room cabinets.... I just need to touch them up where they got dinged when we installed them.... but I can't seem to get around to it.

Who else lives in an ongoing to-do list of paint projects???

Life, the Musical.

Sweet is doing something naughty.

I look at Sweet and say, "Stop."

He looks back, shakes his groovy thang and says, "In the Name of Loooove."


***


We are at a fairly formal party as a co-worker's house. She's a musical theater type gal with no children and a house full of doo-dads that are all highly breakable, antique, precious and expensive. I look over as Sweet stands up on a footstool, starts strumming his invisible air guitar, looks over his shoulder, channels Johnny Cash, and says, "Hit it, boys."


***


Due to some geographical shift during the Mesozoic Era, we have a lot of large, flat rocks we refer to as "stage rocks" and neither of my children can pass one by without jumping up and belting out a song. Select favorites include Sweet singing Slaid Cleaves "whiskey & cigarettes tonight" from Horseshoe Lounge, or an original rendition of "Kitty got run over on the road... now she's flat... squished like a bug.... I really miss her." And Tuff has a pretty well developed sense of melody for the Under-2 set but we need someone to translate her songs from Klingon into English.

Several Thoughts....

Sweet Boy says (in that peculiar way he has... with heavy-long emphasis on the first B), "Daddy, why don't we have any Barbies??"

Daddy, "Uh, Boys don't play with barbies."

SB, "Yes they DO. I play with barbies at Daycarista's house. She have boy barbies and girl barbies. Paige likes the boy barbies and So. Do. I."

Daddy, "Boy barbies are called Action Figures."

Huh. Guess that makes it all ok.

_______


So I'm thinking about gender-roles... blah, blah, blah.

I was a bit uncomfortable when Darling Girl got a pink princess "my first book of words" book for Easter. I'm not particularly a Disney-hater (although I'd rather eat green glass than be caught dead in a theme park with an oversized rat) but I do understand the argument against "princess culture" or whatever you want to call it.

Here at the Homestead we try to be fair. But you have to remember it is Redneck-Fair. Boys can play dolls, dress up and tea party but you will probably hear the male contingent refer to it as "action figures, costumes and camping" so as to maintain the appropriate level of manliness.

Of course, the flip side is girls can play race cars, swords and cowboys but you will probably hear it referred to as "choking hazards, getting whacked with a wrapping paper tube and oh-shit-SB-is-sitting-on-his-sister-yelling-yee-haw-again."

I heard an interview with an 80-something pediatrician on NPR this morning (Yes, even Rednecks listen to NPR) and he said the most important thing you can teach your kids is resiliency.

So for this mother's day I'm going to set aside goals of perfection and reflections of guilt and just work towards teaching myself and my kids to be resilient.

Convenience store snacks or creative play things?

I just got an email from a friend describing her daughter pooping while she was changing her and she (I quote) said, “This is going to sound gross but you know those nacho cheese machines they have in convenience stores and at concession stands? Well the amount and shape of what was coming out of Kate made me think of nacho cheese coming out of those machines except it was more like the color of mustard. There's a nice image for you to think about over lunch :)”

The first time the boy did that to me (age 3.5 weeks in the back seat of the car at the mall after his auntie kept walking really fast to get away from that "smell" that turned out to be attached to her via the sling) all I could think of was one of those red & yellow playdough machines…. Where you press the lever and shapes spew out... I was waiting for the form to be a star or something... a shooting star. A squirting star?