October 2005 will go down in Homestead history as the month of the ruddy bottom. Really. I think the low point was this morning at the doctor’s office when I told the receptionist he looked like a baboon in heat. Family Services will be calling. Actually, I have a question about that…. My son currently looks like what I THOUGHT a neglected baby that hasn’t had a diaper change in a week or so looks like…. So what do neglected babies who REALLY haven’t had their weekly diaper change look like? Must be some kind of awful. Poor baby is getting greased & floured like a tiny little bundt pan on a regular basis (actually, now that I think about it… his butt is the same shade as my red silicone bundt pan.) Here, in no particular order, are things this month has made me thankful for…
1. Aveeno Bath Soak.
2. Color-safe bleach. (I can’t just let him run around naked… what if he unloads on my carpet? So I put him in sweat pants naked-bottomed and he pees in them… better a GIANT load of “soiled” kid clothes than a corner-the-cat-keeps-sniffing-suspiciously.)
3. Plastic toy elk, deer & moose. (How else do you get a kid to stay in the tub for 20 minutes twice a day?)
4. Sweet Boy’s wanker. (How he entertains himself in the tub when he isn’t busy with the wildlife.)
5. The nurse “working us in” for an appointment.
6. Benadryl meltaways. (The only thing that helped him sleep on Saturday night.)
7. Numbing crotch spray… you know…. The stuff the doc tells you to get for post-partum.
8. Corn starch.
9. All those months and months of no diaper rash.
10. Our daycarista. She let him “air it out” in the linoleum play area and carefully monitored what he was eating, drinking and pooing.
11. Monostat. Because nothing says funny like the look on the face of a teenage checker when you slap a box of cooch cream and a tube of industrial strength diaper stuff on the counter. (I really should have stocked up on astroglide, gerbil flea spray & enemas while I was there….)
12. My hairdryer. Seriously, it hasn’t been turned on in years until now.
13. Hot Stuff. He took more than half of the diaper changes. Nothing says love like a baby running from a diaper and hiding behind his toybox.
14. Towels right out of the dryer. (Is there anything cuter than a smiling little face with big round eyes all wrapped up in a fluffy purple towel? When you are soaking and airing twice a day you get a lot of towel time.)
15. Giggling with my mom over the tube of monostat in my purse.
16. Squeezed lemons. (Because just drinking water & milk when you can’t have juice is boring.)
17. Tall, skinny babies. If he was chubby he’d be in a size 4 diaper and, well, those are more expensive….
18. Mupirocin ointment (Bactroban)
19. Sweet natured kids. A tear-streaked baby patting daddy’s hand saying, “nice da-dee” after a wicked diaper change tears your heart. If it doesn’t, you are a cold, dead fish.
20. Broadwater Athletic Club and Hot Springs. For some reason the pool there did not turn him into a squealing mess… and he actually healed up a little… amen for the power of natural hot water.
21. A best friend who is a nurse... and who doesn't mind if your kid whizzes on her carpet.
22. Fun tub toys. (Read: monostat applicators.)
23. The light at the end of the tunnel. If he isn’t better by Friday the doc promises to do a butt transplant.