Friday, April 28, 2006

The Hunt.

Seeing the look on his face in all three of these pictures I really can't believe his first words weren't, "What the fuck?"

Easter Pictures.... late but cute.

4 adults. Degrees in English, History, Secondary Education, Nursing, Biology/Pre-Med, Engineering (a masters even), Business and portions of master's training. Not to mention various certificates in coaching, education, massage therapy, cpr-first responder-emt, information technology and practical working experience. Still, we couldn't figure out how to get the glitter shaker to work. So we MacGuyver'ed it and all was well.

Can you feel the intensity? Can you see all those cartons of eggs?? This was before we let the kids just start chucking eggs into the colors.

I see the horizon.....

Horizontal stripes on maternity clothing..... just another thing there should be a law against....

I don't own any other clothing with horizontal stripes... and yet I have several maternity shirts in striped. Why? Who thought this was a good idea?

I'm going to have to slap a "wide load" sign on my ass before I go out this afternoon....

Thursday, April 27, 2006


So I just sent my sister (and cc: my mom) an email telling sis how mature, practical, reasonable & thoughtful something was that she had written.

My mom responds with: Your email was equally as mature, reasonable, and upbeat and positive, also!

Then I email back telling her: Oh, you missed the phone call when I called her a poopless poopy head. Grown up. Uh-huh. I wanted her to go to the bank and then bring me a milkshake and she said she had to talk to you first.....

Mom's response: I did not say YOU were, I said your EMAIL was! Lovingly, your Mom

I love my family.

O is for Orange


Tuesday I got to glug the orange sticky drink that ensures I will be able to eat m&m's with reckless abandon for the rest of my pregnancy. The doc sent the gooey stuff home with me with the following instructions: Drink it really, really cold and really fast.

I slammed it down at work just so my non-childbearing coworkers could revel in the nastiness. But you know what? It isn't that bad. It's way better than drinking prune juice & mineral oil. (Please don't ask.... or I will tell you in very specific detail.) In a strange way I rather enjoy the carbonated over-sugared goodness. It's like Sunkist on speed.

The moment of karmic realization came just after my appointment when I pulled a snack out of my purse (what? It had been AT LEAST an hour since I'd eaten last....) and saw..... ORANGE CREME flavored yogurt.

I almost stopped on the way back to work for a bag of those gummy-sugar orange slices.... just to complete the orangacious-trimverate that was my day.

*UPDATED: Yes, I got the call and I passed the test! Bring on the m&m's.....

Finances... a confessional.

I was mean and unfair to my husband in the last post. I called his questions dumb. They weren't exactly.... dumb. They were.... uninformed. Anything financial FREAKS HIM OUT and he tends to take on a challenging tone of voice and get that strange darting look in his eyes. He also gets very defensive because he doesn't make much money and most of our bills are his expenses so he feels very guilty.

He's a very smart man so the whole denial of any understanding of anything financial makes me laugh. When I say things like, "Wow, I was looking at the credit card statement and we spent a lot last month on gas." He will respond with, "Oh, ok, I'll pay cash for some of my gas this month." Um, because why? So I can't track our spending at all? Because, honey, it all comes outta the same pot.

I admit to pushing his buttons. I check our bank statements on-line from work several times a week (gotta get the info there since he isn't writing it in any bank book) and I like to call him up around 1:15 in the afternoon and say, "So, what did you have for lunch at Bob's today?" I also torture him because my moderately-conservative IRA fund is doing better than his very-conservative IRA fund.

My financial philosophy is simple. Make it easy for yourself and save in little bits wherever you can.... for example, student loans. The rate is high. 8%. So I found out they'd drop it .25% if we switched to electronic payment. So, we save .25% plus 39 cents and an envelope every month, plus the cost of buying new checks sooner (and you know I have to get Hot Stuff those pricey duplicate ones AND I splurge and get him the cutesy ones from the Rocky Mountain Elk Foundation.... I use the plain-Jane cheapos even though we share an account), we never have to worry about late fees and with eft you can vary the amount you pay in any given month if you want to pay extra. So Hot Stuff was ok with that switch.... he was even ok with me upping the amount we pay every month is a desparate attempt to pay something beyond just interest. (I swear the total loan NEVER goes down.) The real beauty of eft is I can sneak in extra money whenever I can and he doesn't know about it. How terrible is that?

Hot Stuff believes in having all of your money where you can get at it. If it was up to him nothing would ever get invested and we would make tiny payments on everything over long periods of time. I like to pay cash. Wait, no, I like to put it on the credit card and get airline miles for it and then pay off the card. The compromise we made was this.... He let me get a financial advisor and put a pile (oh, it was a small pile) of money into a money market. Pretty conservative stuff and we have an actually checkbook if we need to get at it. Then I set it up so once it reaches a certain amount they take anything over that amount and put it into longer term and less liquid accounts. I also set up a lovely little college fund for the children. And where was I going with this? Oh, the compromise.... the compromise is, well, there isn't one. I ask his opinion and then do whatever the hell I want anyway.... there it is in black print.... I confess I am an elitist.

Money. Finances. Jobs. Careers. These are the things that are worrying me these days. I know the worries won't ever go away but I recently made a decision to get serious about getting a new career after we have the baby. Because the 5 year plan is looking pretty bleak. I can't afford to be a stay-at-home-mom and, the way things are right now, I can't even afford to cut back to part-time (my ideal). I've been here 7 years and I'm topped out, burned out & in need of new challenges. (And more money, of course....)

So I think. And I think. And I realize the thing I need to do is figure out what I want to DO. What could I do every day that would be interesting to me? Or at least not bore me to tears? And then I can't think of anything and I think I'm a boring person with no skills and talents and I have to go eat chocolate and get over it. Ya'll know the cycle.....

Um, ok. Enough whining. End of Post. Out.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Color me Shocked.

My sister told me (in greatest confidence and after a couple vodka-lemonades) my husband is NOT ATHLETIC. What? Yes he is. He is. He has an athlete’s body and he’s very coordinated. She has played football with him and says he is very competitive and physical but not athletic. My fear, of course, is that she is right and our children are doomed to be dorks because they aren’t getting any athletic ability from me.

Hot Stuff opened and looked at our quarterly financial statements. He even asked questions (dumb ones, but questions….). This from a man who refuses to even consider balancing the checkbook and has no idea of our net worth or how our taxes get done. I was so excited I poured out our entire financial plan in a rush of words and dramatic hand gestures. He lectured me about it….. which makes me get a pained look on my face and pat him on the head like the confused mental patient he really is.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Tidbits from the weekend

My sister-in-law is serious about Easter. We dyed 72 eggs. Well, actually, we dyed 64 eggs…. My mother-in-law snagged some for the potato salad and Sweet Boy ate two that cracked before they were dyed.

I made this cake Saturday. It was amazing. Although somehow in my hurry-up-and-get-shit-done haze I forgot to oil the bundt pan. And, bigger sin, I didn’t take a picture of the result. Hot Stuff commented, “Just like a bear in the woods….” But he ate it anyway. Who knew something that looked like a pile of bear dung could be so tasty?? Next time I will grease the damn pan.

I finally remembered to get bird seed. Sweet Boy LOVES to watch the birds. His comment, “Mama, yook, kitty watchin’ buwdies wi me.” Stick to the mice, mrow-mrow.

Who knew Easter was a major gift giving holiday?? Sweet Boy made an absolute haul. I got prenatal vitamins. Hhhhmmmm.

The other day there was a smell in our house that had me yelling at the dog for rolling in calf-scours & horse shit over at the neighbor’s. Um, yeah, the dog went out and yet the smell lingered…. And lingered…. And got stronger?? Sweet Boy must be potty-trained soon.

Somehow a party accidentally happened at our house on Saturday night. Many people needed naps on Sunday afternoon.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Project Eat-A-Bean Update

We had a major mealtime setback recently. We’ve been doing pretty well with project “Eat-A-Bean” at our house. No beans, but corn & carrots are successfully navigating Sweet Boy’s digestive tract on a regular basis these days. Not perfect (he will still ask to go to bed rather than eat peas), but we had definite progress (this from the kid who won’t eat green goldfish from the rainbow packets… at least he isn’t red-green color blind). And then last week happened. Hot Stuff’s dad was in the hospital with diverticulitis (he’s home now and fine). Let’s just say our collection of fast food restaurant toys increased exponentially last week and SB now thinks “nuggets” are a food group.

As far as I know Sweet Boy ate mashed potatoes, m&m’s, crackers & tortilla chips with salsa on Sunday…. And not much else. He had eggs & corn flakes for breakfast and it all went downhill after that….. every time I turned around someone was giving him a chip or a cracker.

He has re-adapted to normal eating surprisingly easily. Although it took a day or two for me to realize when he said he wanted “eggies” he meant the brightly colored plastic kind with one m&m in each rather than the kind that come out of a chicken’s butt.

I finally had to throw all the candy in the freezer in the garage…. I froze most of it Sunday night but it was just a little too convenient in the fridge-freezer. At least now I have to put on shoes and run across the snow/muck yard to get a Reeses Peanutbutter Egg fix. Heck, dashing across the yard like that…. I’d even call it a workout.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Starting a Legacy....

Susan asked for it. The Redneck Recipe Series will commence now with......

Jello Shot Jigglers

I know. Ya'll can't wait. But first.... a disclaimer. I made these as a joke last year for Easter because my mom got me these egg jello molds.... but they were a hit so I might just make them again. My brother is in charge of the "serious" booze for the holiday... I think he's buying a 50 gallon drum of Black Velvet. By about 3:00 pm it is going to be all about the ham & BV. I'll be the one drinking seltzer. Thank you very much. (Are these the "sacrifices moms must make" those Mommy-War people keep talking about??)

Back to jello... My basic recipe is to replace one cup of water with one cup of vodka. The end. But if you want to get creative....

1 package watermelon jello
1 cup boiling water
1 cup Malibu® coconut rum
Mix hot water and jello. Add rum. Pour into 2 ounce cups. Serve after the
jello has set.

Other clever combos:
Orange or cherry jello, brandy
Peach jello, bourbon
Lime jello, tequila and triple sec
Orange jello, orange cognac/brandy (ie. grand marnier) or peach schnapps
Raspberry jello, raspberry schnapps
Tropical fruit jello, mango liqueur or dark rum
Unflavored jello + lemonade, kentucky whisky
Strawberry jello, light rum and strawberry liqueur
Apricot jello, amaretto
Grape jello, vodka

I do recall making these with "champagne" jello once..... jello you added 7-up too? Was that real or did I dream it? We always made them extra-strong and served them in little paper cup things. For a true redneck experience the paper shot cup should be held by the mouth, cleavage or other pincer-like or wedge-shaped body part of your favorite partner (hell, if you've done enough of them.... that becomes optional....).

Do you suppose future generations of my family will refer to this as "Grandma's Jello Recipe" and when they do will they say it with awe, laughter or shame?



In celebration of Easter weekend I invite your judgement on the following....

Is it WRONG that I'm not at all concerned what preschool/kindergarten/elementary school my kids go too?

Is it WRONG that I want my house to look like an ad for Pottery Barn?

Is it WRONG that my son & I look at each other, laugh and say, "Tooted. 'Scuse me." whenever anyone in our house farts?

Is it WRONG that my son & I ate granola and m&m's for breakfast?

Is it WRONG that the real reason I don't want an SUV (not gas mileage as I claim) is because I don't want to be one of "those moms"?

Is it WRONG to remind my brother that Hot Stuff & I will be having loud sex while he is visiting us this weekend?

Is it WRONG that almost all of my son's clothing is hand-me-downs and I'm proud of that fact?

Is it WRONG that I use the word "that" too much?

Is it WRONG to slightly dread a visit from my sister-in-law?

Is it WRONG to hide my husband's Easter present in the one place he won't look? (HIS closet.)

Is it WRONG to give gifts for Easter?

Is it WRONG to buy people things they already need and CALL them gifts?

Is it WRONG to invite all of your family to dinner with the actual intention of getting them to put together a swingset?

Is it WRONG to buy your brother presents and Easter candy so he will install a new hard drive in your computer?

Is it WRONG to try to sell your brother on ebay?

Thursday, April 13, 2006

The to-do listing continues.....

Things to do NOW as I head into the 3rd trimester. (I am almost there, aren’t I??)

Continue moving.
Increase yoga.
Start watching the sodium levels. I already ate my “last meals” of a few things…. The high sodium broccoli cheddar soup & pad thai I love.
Add lemon to my water from here on out. (I swear it helps with swelling.)
Accept that I am really wearing maternity clothes.
Schedule prenatal massage(s).
Set up the hammock so I have a sweet place to elevate my swollen ankles.

Things to buy for baby

Teensy-weensy diapers
Scent-free wipes
Arms-reach cosleeper (ok, you know I’m not really going to get this but I WANT it. I’ve tried justifying it by saying we NEED it because the baby will be in our room for a long time (2 bedroom house) and all….. and the mini goes to 23 lbs & the original goes to 30 lbs) But my practical side is winning out over my yuppie-wanna-be side.)
“D” batteries (this is what I learned from my first child. Have lots of D batteries on hand for the swing & bouncy seat.
Pacifiers (I have one pack but I will wait to get more until I know what this kid likes….)
Um, I probably should get a new pack of bottle nipples too…. Is it gross to reuse those kid to kid?
A new backwards-baby car mirror…. The one I have is cloudy.
A bath tub sponge mat.
I thought of one other thing to buy but I can’t remember what it is…. So it must be REALLY important. Help me out.

Things to buy for me

Stool softener.
Maxi pads.
One really great outfit to wear as a “uniform” those first months after baby. (Last time it was a pair of olive green khaki drawstring capris, my Salomon amphibians & a few white t-shirts. The tennies made me feel sporty. I started with a baggy white shirt & slowly slimmed them down as time went on… it was so nice to just have one thing to put on that I knew fit & looked ok for when people wanted to “see” me and I could keep a white t-shirt in the diaper bag for emergencies…. Actually, I kept a white t-shirt that fit both Hot Stuff & I in the diaper bag the first few months because I’m paranoid like that.)
Boobie pads. I like the Gerber kind without the sticky stuff on the backs.
New nursing bras. It appears Motherhood doesn’t have the snap-between-the-tits kind I like anymore…. At least not on-line. So I must find someone who does. HEAR ME NEW MAMA’S…. get the snap-between-the-tits kind….. no rooting around under your shirt clear up to your shoulder to hook and unhook… and if they are, um, accidentally “sprung” by your giant bazooms, well, the ones that snap at the bottom at least don’t sproing down like a roller-blind.

Things to do the last few weeks

Get out, sort and wash the boxes of tiny clothes & blankets
Install the car seat base
Set up and clean the swing, bouncy seat etc.

Notice the longest list is things to buy for me??? Obviously not my first child, isn’t it???

Monday, April 10, 2006

The Morning Report

Important things we did this weekend:

1. Cleaned the house. (Well, it wasn't that messy.... but I dusted & vacuumed & washed sheets & stuff like that..... Hot Stuff sorted & organized & put away.)
2. It rained a lot this weekend so we watched 4 movies... Lion King, Dreamer (very sweet), Fantastic Four (obviously a pregnancy-related choice?!?) & Lion King again (hence the title of this post).
3. MISSED Blues Clues on Sunday morning because some other stupid thing was on. (This is a special treat for Sweet Boy. It is on at 9:30 and he gets to lounge on our bed (the tv upstairs is the only one that gets the channel) and eat snacks and watch "Cous-Cous" on tv while I put away laundry or clean whatever needs to be cleaned in our bedroom... Ok, right, or lounge on the bed next to him eating rabbit crackers.)
4. Played baseball with Sweet Boy. He sort-of gets it but there were several Forest-Gump moments.
5. Read a book. A real book. Ok, I read part of it while Sweet Boy was napping..... but I'm over half way and I will finish it.
6. Went to the dump. We say Sweet Boy's daycare provider's husband there. He drives the loader. Sweet Boy was in HEAVEN watching him and cried when we left.
7. Went for a drive with my boys.
8. Saw some helicopters on display. Again.... nothing so fun as the wonder of a little kid.
9. Got deer, elk & moose license applications done. (Go sweetheart.... fill the freezer.... this vegetarian trend won't last forever....)
10. Bought new shoes. Salomon amphibians. They are the greatest. My old pair is falling apart.
11. Got a few groceries. I love going to the grocery store with Hot Stuff & Sweet Boy. Not only is negotiating the parking lot with Hot Stuff hilarious, but Sweet Boy's new game is, well, he calls it "ooker guy" which I take to mean C-ooker guy (and not H-ooker guy, right?). He sits in the cart and makes things for me. I ask for a chocolate milk shake and he does some complicated things with his hands and makes some funny noises and then hands me my shake. Then he asks if I want some cottage cheese. Mmmm. My favorite. Chocolate shake with a side of cottage cheese.
12. Went to Target with my mother in law. We meant to go to the nursery but it was closed. We bought Easter candy & Sweet Boy picked out Mr. Bubble bubble bath after we smelled them all.
13. Made more play dough. Got red food coloring everywhere. Oops. We are a walking oxiclean commercial.
14. Taught Sweet Boy how to drive the jeep. It's one of those little battery operated numbers a neighbor gave us.... he had a blast and just about mortally wounded his poor daddy. Daddy... with the broken leg.... was following him and holding onto the roll bar to keep him from running into a fence or something.
15. Planned Easter dinner with my sister. (This is her thinking: We must have stuffing. Your husband won't be happy without stuffing. (My husband hated stuffing until he had some of my mom's special recipe* stuffing. Now he loves it.) Let's have mashed potatoes. I know baked potatoes are traditional with ham but mashed feels so much more festive. (I suggested going with something other than ham..... and was met with a stunned silence.... she said the only reason she was coming to my house was for the ham & Easter candy.)) So what kind of gravy do you make with ham?? We called my brother and told him he was in charge of potatoes & booze. He said he'll be here with a burlap bag of spuds & 3 cases of PBR. Lord help us. I have to find my jello egg molds so I can make redneck jello shots.... what? It's the only way to get people involved in the egg hunt......

So that's about it for us. Nothing fabulous but just a really great weekend. It is so nice to have Hot Stuff out of the lounger and back playing with us.... he still tires quickly and has to take long time-outs to ice & rest but he's getting back to normal.

*Stove Top


I’m being abused by both my children…

I’m being pummeled inside & out by my kids. My son got excited and accidentally let fly with a match box car and it connected quite resoundingly with the bridge of my nose. He felt really bad and covered my face with slobbery baby kisses to make me feel better.

But my inner child… my inner child is a remorseless little hellion. Enough with the pounding, pummeling, kick-boxing, lap-swimming & general gymnastics already. WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE???

Sweet Boy was active. This kid is non-stop. Maybe all I remember is the end when Sweet Boy was so crowded he couldn’t kick, turn & stomp… that thought gives me hope this one will mellow out in a few weeks. Grow, baby, grow.

I’m 26 weeks. (Or something like that…. I’ve never been very good with keeping track… I always have to look it up on or email my cousin who is due a few days before I am.) Due July 12th. What’s the birth stone for July? A ruby? What’s the zodiac sign? And what is the temperament for that zodiac sign?

This baby likes action movies. We watched a few movies this weekend. Hot Stuff picked “Dreamer” and I picked….. “Fantastic Four.” (Sweet Boy picked “Lion King” and we danced our way through it twice…. Such great music.)

Another interesting thing…. This baby is a vegetarian. Seriously. Meat has no appeal. Hummus, however, has great appeal. So do some rather odd sweets. Peanut butter mixed with powdered sugar and served with chocolate chips or fake-out cookie dough (butter, flour, sugar & brown sugar mashed together in a bowl). What's that all about?

And the answer is.....

The Brave Little Toaster Goes To Mars.

Hey, I'll do anything to shower by myself once in a while.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Which side IS starboard on a laundry basket??

Internet, I’m going to let you in on a little secret (and the real reason I stay at this job)…. No one cares what time I come to work. Except today. Today is Thursday. Our morning receptionist has started taking Thursday’s off so someone has to be here to cover at 8:00 am. Today was my day. This is how it went:

5:00: Sweet Boy (wonder-sleeper who never gets up early) wakes up. Daddy was working until almost 11 last night so they didn’t get any time together so he is determined to see his dad. Now. He asks me to get him some more milk please. I’m ok with that except they are snuggling in the middle of the bed and, not being the sliver I once was, I’m having a hard time balancing myself & the dog on my edge of the bed. I bump Hot Stuff’s bum leg and he groans. Sweet Boy says, “Caewful mama, no hurt daddy, say sowwy.” So I say sorry and Sweet Boy asks, “Need kiss it daddy?” Is your heart just melting at the sweetness of a bed-headed little boy in fuzzy jammies (smelling vaguely like pee) taking care of his daddy? No? It isn’t? Then you are dead to me.
5:something-ish o-dark-thirty: Hot Stuff’s alarm goes off. He snoozes it.
14 seconds later: It goes off again and he staggers out of bed.
6:15: Hot Stuff kisses us goodbye and heads to PT. I try to sneak out of bed but Sweet Boy is awake and follows me.
6:30: I give up and plug in a video* so I can shower, get ready & drink some coffee (fear not…. It’s decaf) while I make some additions to my “todo” list for the day.
7:10: We should be leaving the house.
7:23: We really leave the house.
7:30 (7:24): We leave the garage. (Wait. It doesn’t actually take me that long to slog across the driveway… although sometimes it takes two trips….. the clock in my car is 7 minutes fast. Please don’t ask.)
7:25: See a guy wunning in the wain.
7:26: See a backhoe.
7:27: See 2 guys with a dog.
7:28: See the wimming poowl.
7:29: See a snowplow AND a schoolbus.
7:32: See the “Big Bidge” that is parked in a parking lot in 3 sections and, quite possibly, the highlight of our mornings.
7:33: See a backhoe & a dozer.
7:34: See two more schoolbuses… one with lights flashing.
7:36: Another backhoe or six.
7:38: Arrive at daycare, sign in & say good morning, take off shoes & coat & hat, stash diaper bag, kiss the mama, and head for the breakfast counter.
7:40: Leave daycare and negotiate the left-hand turn onto a 60-mile-per-hour road with heavy 8:00 traffic. This is the only really annoying part of the trip.
7:43: Make it across the railroad tracks with no trains and get through campus without hitting any under-dressed college students.
7:45: Wish I had my ipod with me. Helena radio sucks.
7:48: Complain to self about traffic. Remind self of NY’s resolution to NOT run yellow lights. Laugh about what traffic is like in Denver right now.
7:54: Arrive at work and dash into the building in the rain.
7:59: Unlock door (and congratulate myself on remembering my work keys) & turn on lights….. Exactly on time.

*Movie quote of the morning…. “Which side is starboard in a laundry basket?” Ok, name that video.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006


My mother in law just sent this to me. Especially funny since I left my son playing with a Ken doll at daycare this morning.... Ken was dancing, naked, on a table while Sweet Boy sang "Twinkle, twinkle" Sorry. The following will only be funny if you are my brother.

Montana Barbies are FINALLY available!!!!

Kalispell Barbie: This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with a Mercedes 4WD SUV, a Prada handbag and matching Nike Yoga ensemble. She has a masters degree and double-majored, but has the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom with Ken's generous salary. Comes with Percocet prescription and Botox. Starbucks mug and traffic-jamming Blackberry internet/cell phone device sold separately. Husband Ken is into fishing, golfing, baseball and is often "working late." Available at all Seattle-area Starbucks retailers.

Bozeman Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstrom. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of an Audi convertible, Hummer H2 or Subaru Legacy and a long-haired foreign lapdog named "Honey" or black Labrador named Bridger. Also available is her cookie-cutter development dream house. Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and breast augmentation. Workaholic, cheating husband, Ken, comes with an all-wheel drive Audi.

Butte Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, switchblade, '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is available only after dark and can only be purchased with cash - preferably small bills, unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about. Boyfriend Ken is in jail. Available at many pawn shops.

Great Falls Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer Gut Ken out of Auburn Barbie's trailer. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss and a see-through halter top. Purchase her Mustang convertible separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Boyfriend Ken is in treatment. Available at Army Navy Su rplus.

Havre Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2 sizes too small, steel-toed cowboy boots, a classic Metallica 'T' shirt and a Tweedy Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has fake fingernails, a six pack of Budweiser, and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. she can spit over a distance of 6 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Also available is the gold-toned cubic zirconium ring that Ken gave her after another one of his "episodes" with his boss's daughter. Comes with Barbie's Dream Double Wide Trailer. Available at Wal-Mart.

Browning Barbie: Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a G.E.D. and a completely filled out food stamps form. Construction worker Ken and his '82 Caddy are optional. Available at Value Village.

Billings Barbie: This big-haired red-head comes smelling slightly of petroleum with smiling bunny decals on her Lee press-on nai ls. Wearing a miss-matched outfit and t-shirt with the logo Catsup is Spicy! purchased at Rimrock Mall, the Billings Barbie drives a late-model Ford Escort and comes with coupons to Olive Garden and Red Lobster. Wish-he-were-workaholic, wish-he-were-cheating husband Ken is playing golf or gardening in the backyard of their tract house with views of the rims. Available at all local Casinos.

Missoula Barbie: This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no make-up, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want, or need, a Ken doll. If you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker. Available at REI.

Helena Barbie: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or removing snap on parts. Walks to work. Likes to "experiment," but will never commit. This model is being phased out and is only available f rom the manufacturer.

Livingston Barbie: Similar to the Butte model except she is a working artist with enough money to buy her meth and PBRs. Livingston Barbie comes with a three-primer colored 1989 Ford F-150 pulling a Lavro drift boat and dry, frizzy, dusty hair. Pull the string on her back and she will say I hate going to Bozeman or I hate driving in Bozeman. This model is no longer available. Some may be found blowing down the freeway towards Big Timber.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006