Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The day rapidly approaches....

...And soon I will be sportin' these.

Oscar Buzz

Of all the Oscar-nominated movies..... I've seen one. Cinderella Man. When did I fall into this cinematic hole & how do I get out?

A few trips to Center Stage (I know.... sounds like a strip club.... but it is locally owned) would help.... but which movie should I see first & which ones should I skip and, most importantly, which ones would Hot Stuff hate? (He will be gone for work a lot in February so I need to build up a list of things I want to see that he won't mind missing....)

We have a new, very nice, movie theatre in town and I've never been to it. We keep talking about going there for a date but, honestly, the last movie I remember us going to on a date was "How the Grinch Stole Christmas." Truly.

Friday, January 27, 2006


Class "C" sports are a big deal. But read this and tell me what you think....

After I hear some of your ideas I'll tell you some of MY small town sports stories......

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Like, Totally Awesome Dude

I just slipped into an 80's time warp.... complete with bleached, permed mall hair & jelly bracelets. JELLY BRACELETS??? Remember those? The Neanderthal pre-cousin to the yellow silicone LiveStrong bracelets.

I went to get my license plates renewed. The state of Montana is issuing new plates... AGAIN. The women (they are all women... why are they all women??) who work at the DMV all look like they just stepped out of "Pretty in Pink" or something. I saw boots with white fringe. I saw pale blue eyeshadow & frosty pink lipstick.

I think I'll go home and watch "Flashdance" now.....

Monday, January 23, 2006

Veggie Tales

It’s not like I’m asking him to be the Jolly Green Giant.

I try to be a laid-back mama about food. I think (as will most things) it is important to know the rules and when & how to break them. I try to avoid anything that will stain his face an unnatural shade of orange or that has more than three ingredients I can’t pronounce. I try to avoid high-sodium prepackaged food. (But oh my, how I love me some cheese-n-broccoli soup…. Have you read the sodium content on that stuff???) I try to lead by example.

And I fail.

This is a child who will pick the green goldfish out of a rainbow fish pond. He picks out the green pastas in the special “wacky mac” I make for him.

He won’t even eat fruit. No grapes. No bananas. No applesauce. (Ok, in the name of fair disclosure, if I force-feed him the first bite of applesauce he will eat the rest but, always, the fight over the first bite.)

This is his veggie consumption:
Raw carrots. But usually I find the dog nawing on at least part of it long after mealtime is over.
Frozen corn. Sometimes.
Mama’s red sauce. I use this for everything. It’s basically cooked up tomatoes, onions, mushrooms, red bell peppers, carrots that I run through the blender. It’s spaghetti sauce, pizza sauce, everything.
Fresh salsa.
Kim chi. But only the mild kind and not the chunks… just the juice.
Corn & carrots in chicken pot pie will sometimes sneak past his lips….
Sweet potato fries. (Especially if I use the Cajun seasoning.)
Popcorn. (I know. I know.)
Ketchup. (Hey the president says it is one…)

So I got a little advice from Mary P. on the subject. I like her plan but I’m facing some, uh, resistance from the other half of this parenting duo. So I have to wait until he’s gone for the weekend to implement Project Eat-a-Bean.

Until then I will continue to refer to popcorn as a vegetable and hide tiny slices of green beans under the cheese in the pizza.

How do you sneak veggies into the diet of your loved ones??

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Overheard last night.....

"Dude, don't fall on that thing."

"Get that thing out of your mouth if you are going to run."

"What is that thing?"

"Honey, does our son have a plastic crotch cream applicator in his mouth?"

What?* They make great tub toys. They come in packets of 7... one for each finger on one hand, one in the mouth and one, well, on any other projection-y body part you can think of.....

*It isn't like they were used. They are leftovers from the great butt-rash escapade of Oct 2005.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Escapee Update

They caught him…. Around 10:30 pm. He was holed up in a local motel. I didn’t shoot anyone, the police didn’t shoot anyone and we got to see Cheryl (the sheriff) on tv again. A less-than-dramatic ending, no? But a few funny things did come out of the situation….

Hot Stuff went to play poker in Montana City around 7:00 pm…. A well deserved break for the busy stay-at-home daddy, right? The host called me shortly after he left home and asked how much he was allowed to drink. Seriously. He called to ask. I told him the standard rule… he can have as much as he wants but don’t let him drive drunk and if he pees on any of my furniture I’ll kill him. (What… it’s a long way from our bedroom to the bathroom… what if he gets lost??) So around 11:00 I went to get him. (Remember this bit of info… it becomes important later in the story.)

We left on Friday to go to Great Falls to watch my sister compete for Miss Rodeo Montana. (I’m not kidding… could I make this up??) We came home on Sunday afternoon and Hot Stuff came storming into the house, in a panic, asking, “Where’s the Jeep? Somebody stole the Jeep. My BINOCULARS were in the Jeep.” Yes, he was more concerned about the binoculars than the Jeep and rightly so… they are worth more.

The binoculars were in the cupboard where they always are and, well, we all know where the Jeep was, don’t we…..

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Trouble in Paradise

Exciting happenings tonight here in Redneckia.

An escaped convict. He (allegedly) slipped his shackles, shucked his clothes & shimmied out of a sunroof while the transport van was stopped at a stop sign. That was at 7:00 am. At 11:00 am (when the transport arrived at the state pen in Deer Lodge) they realized he wasn't there. As of 6:00 tonight he is still out there. The lady at the grocery store said he got a ride to Town Pump at 4:00 pm. Would you pick up a dude in black boxers, a white t-shirt & black tennies on a 40 degree day???

The best part? This isn't the first time this has happened. Not long ago a prisoner slipped a transport when they stopped for fast food.... they found him when he tried to car-jack a guy.... from the house next door to my boss. Turns out he had been hiding in her backyard flower bed all evening while she was calmly watching HGTV and eating popcorn.

So here we sit.... doors locked, guns loaded & Mary (my trusty 4D utility flashlight) ready to blind and beat any intruders. Lord have mercy on any Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons on a mission or political campaigners who show up here tonight.....

Sweet Boy & his Great Grandpa

1. Yes, that is a boomerang behind that angel.

2. Yes, my mom has hideous kitchen carpet. But don't tell her that.... she likes it.

3. Yes, that is most likely a glass of straight rum Grumps is drinking.

4. Yes, they both adore tractors.

Um, thanks?!?!

Oh. I forgot to mention... the knife that Hot Stuff used to impale his leg.... a Christmas gift from my brother. A FREEBIE that his company gives away.... we all got lovely John Deere tractor key chains too. But where's my hat, dammit????

Thursday, January 05, 2006

The hmm-hmmm update

After very careful inspection, I am pleased to report that Hot Stuff's hmm-hmmm is doing just fine. Oh, his leg is ok too.

NO STITCHES. Just a lot of irrigation and some super glue.... you think I'm kidding, don't you?

Much thanks to Ladybug for the term "manties" (man-panties) which still has me laughing.

Hot Stuff gave me a very animated explanation of everything that occurred.... I'd like to try to interpret some of his descriptions with words here, if I may....

"The knife was a little dull from cutting through that deer head so I really gave 'er the onion and...." (This means he really tried hard.... I don't know where this phrase came from but you've gotta try using it at the next family get-together.... )

"...then in my overzealousness ...." (Yes, he really uses words like "overzealousness" because the man has, like, eleventy-million college degrees & he's a big fat show-off.... And yes, I did ask if the knife stuck in like when you flick it at a tree stump. It did.)

"...I sort of stuck myself by my right knee..." (No where NEAR his hmm-hmmm.)

".... but the nurse (a man) was cool about it. He sort of held the gown out in front of him and let me take it so he didn't have to see my junk....." (Does this one require interpretation??)

So, people, let this be a lesson.... don't cut towards yourself.... ever.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

At least his hmm-hmmm is safe....

My husband just stuck himself in the leg with a knife.

He called me on the way to the emergency room.

What do I say?

Are you ok? Yes.
What knife? My new one.
Oh good... it is clean and sharp. Well, no, I used it to cut a deer head apart.
So you're going to die of blood poisoning.... gram positive bacteria. Maybe.
Did it wreck your pants? Yes.
Did you whack your hmm-hmmm? No, I didn't whack my hmm-hmmm but I'm not wearing any underwear so somebody is going to see my hmm-hmmm. (I can hear Dave howling with laughter in the background.)
Do you want me to go home and get you some panties and meet you there? No.
Do you want to stop at Target and make Dave go in and buy you some undies? No.
Don't forget to file worker's comp. Right-o.
How far in did it stick? About 1/2 an inch or so.
Are you going to do that again? No.
Are you going to cut towards yourself anymore? Not for a long time.
Is it gushing or oozing? Oozing.
Is your leg elevated? No.
Elevate your leg. Ok, yeah, I gotta go. (I can hear Dave, the loudest man in the world, saying "Mother Hen First Responder" in the background.)
Hang up on me and I'll just call you back. Oh, right. (More background laughter.)

My life is fascinating.

One of these things is EXACTLY like the other....

Ok, picture this.... breakfast. My sister & I are having the following discussion....

What's the difference between.....

A bowl of rice crispies with milk & a cup of cocoa with marshmallows.
Rice crispy treats (with chocolate on top) and a glass of milk.