Wednesday, April 05, 2006


My mother in law just sent this to me. Especially funny since I left my son playing with a Ken doll at daycare this morning.... Ken was dancing, naked, on a table while Sweet Boy sang "Twinkle, twinkle" Sorry. The following will only be funny if you are my brother.

Montana Barbies are FINALLY available!!!!

Kalispell Barbie: This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with a Mercedes 4WD SUV, a Prada handbag and matching Nike Yoga ensemble. She has a masters degree and double-majored, but has the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom with Ken's generous salary. Comes with Percocet prescription and Botox. Starbucks mug and traffic-jamming Blackberry internet/cell phone device sold separately. Husband Ken is into fishing, golfing, baseball and is often "working late." Available at all Seattle-area Starbucks retailers.

Bozeman Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstrom. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of an Audi convertible, Hummer H2 or Subaru Legacy and a long-haired foreign lapdog named "Honey" or black Labrador named Bridger. Also available is her cookie-cutter development dream house. Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and breast augmentation. Workaholic, cheating husband, Ken, comes with an all-wheel drive Audi.

Butte Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, switchblade, '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is available only after dark and can only be purchased with cash - preferably small bills, unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about. Boyfriend Ken is in jail. Available at many pawn shops.

Great Falls Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer Gut Ken out of Auburn Barbie's trailer. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss and a see-through halter top. Purchase her Mustang convertible separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Boyfriend Ken is in treatment. Available at Army Navy Su rplus.

Havre Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2 sizes too small, steel-toed cowboy boots, a classic Metallica 'T' shirt and a Tweedy Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has fake fingernails, a six pack of Budweiser, and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. she can spit over a distance of 6 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Also available is the gold-toned cubic zirconium ring that Ken gave her after another one of his "episodes" with his boss's daughter. Comes with Barbie's Dream Double Wide Trailer. Available at Wal-Mart.

Browning Barbie: Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a G.E.D. and a completely filled out food stamps form. Construction worker Ken and his '82 Caddy are optional. Available at Value Village.

Billings Barbie: This big-haired red-head comes smelling slightly of petroleum with smiling bunny decals on her Lee press-on nai ls. Wearing a miss-matched outfit and t-shirt with the logo Catsup is Spicy! purchased at Rimrock Mall, the Billings Barbie drives a late-model Ford Escort and comes with coupons to Olive Garden and Red Lobster. Wish-he-were-workaholic, wish-he-were-cheating husband Ken is playing golf or gardening in the backyard of their tract house with views of the rims. Available at all local Casinos.

Missoula Barbie: This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no make-up, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want, or need, a Ken doll. If you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker. Available at REI.

Helena Barbie: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or removing snap on parts. Walks to work. Likes to "experiment," but will never commit. This model is being phased out and is only available f rom the manufacturer.

Livingston Barbie: Similar to the Butte model except she is a working artist with enough money to buy her meth and PBRs. Livingston Barbie comes with a three-primer colored 1989 Ford F-150 pulling a Lavro drift boat and dry, frizzy, dusty hair. Pull the string on her back and she will say I hate going to Bozeman or I hate driving in Bozeman. This model is no longer available. Some may be found blowing down the freeway towards Big Timber.


Daisy Mae said...

Reminds me of the white trash Barbie a school shum gave my daughter at her sweet 16 party. It was wild! She had chopped the hair and dyed it, pierced the nose and ...ahem...chest area. I wish she still had it. I'd sell it at my yard sale along with my granddaughters crib! LOL

Anonymous said...

it IS all about me, you just haven't realized it yet.