Monday, October 31, 2005

Is Neon Butt-Rash a Halloween costume or a punk rock band?

October 2005 will go down in Homestead history as the month of the ruddy bottom. Really. I think the low point was this morning at the doctor’s office when I told the receptionist he looked like a baboon in heat. Family Services will be calling. Actually, I have a question about that…. My son currently looks like what I THOUGHT a neglected baby that hasn’t had a diaper change in a week or so looks like…. So what do neglected babies who REALLY haven’t had their weekly diaper change look like? Must be some kind of awful. Poor baby is getting greased & floured like a tiny little bundt pan on a regular basis (actually, now that I think about it… his butt is the same shade as my red silicone bundt pan.) Here, in no particular order, are things this month has made me thankful for…

1. Aveeno Bath Soak.

2. Color-safe bleach. (I can’t just let him run around naked… what if he unloads on my carpet? So I put him in sweat pants naked-bottomed and he pees in them… better a GIANT load of “soiled” kid clothes than a corner-the-cat-keeps-sniffing-suspiciously.)

3. Plastic toy elk, deer & moose. (How else do you get a kid to stay in the tub for 20 minutes twice a day?)

4. Sweet Boy’s wanker. (How he entertains himself in the tub when he isn’t busy with the wildlife.)

5. The nurse “working us in” for an appointment.

6. Benadryl meltaways. (The only thing that helped him sleep on Saturday night.)

7. Numbing crotch spray… you know…. The stuff the doc tells you to get for post-partum.

8. Corn starch.

9. All those months and months of no diaper rash.

10. Our daycarista. She let him “air it out” in the linoleum play area and carefully monitored what he was eating, drinking and pooing.

11. Monostat. Because nothing says funny like the look on the face of a teenage checker when you slap a box of cooch cream and a tube of industrial strength diaper stuff on the counter. (I really should have stocked up on astroglide, gerbil flea spray & enemas while I was there….)

12. My hairdryer. Seriously, it hasn’t been turned on in years until now.

13. Hot Stuff. He took more than half of the diaper changes. Nothing says love like a baby running from a diaper and hiding behind his toybox.

14. Towels right out of the dryer. (Is there anything cuter than a smiling little face with big round eyes all wrapped up in a fluffy purple towel? When you are soaking and airing twice a day you get a lot of towel time.)

15. Giggling with my mom over the tube of monostat in my purse.

16. Squeezed lemons. (Because just drinking water & milk when you can’t have juice is boring.)

17. Tall, skinny babies. If he was chubby he’d be in a size 4 diaper and, well, those are more expensive….

18. Mupirocin ointment (Bactroban)

19. Sweet natured kids. A tear-streaked baby patting daddy’s hand saying, “nice da-dee” after a wicked diaper change tears your heart. If it doesn’t, you are a cold, dead fish.

20. Broadwater Athletic Club and Hot Springs. For some reason the pool there did not turn him into a squealing mess… and he actually healed up a little… amen for the power of natural hot water.

21. A best friend who is a nurse... and who doesn't mind if your kid whizzes on her carpet.

22. Fun tub toys. (Read: monostat applicators.)

23. The light at the end of the tunnel. If he isn’t better by Friday the doc promises to do a butt transplant.


Jill said...

Oh my gosh, #11 nearly made me pee myself!!! I'm still giggling!!! Hope the little one is better really soon!

LadyBug said...

Oooh, poor Sweet Boy. I hope he's better very soon, for both your sakes.

Big Boy's had a rash, too...but not on his butt, so much as his...umm...other area. (The beans portion of frank 'n' beans.) Poor widdle thing.

M&Co. said...

Oh the BoyChild gets some wicked diaper rash! I'm sorry!

mrtl said...

Oh poor thing!

Misfit Hausfrau said...

Poor little guy! My daughter used to get horrible rashes and then the doctor told us they were yeast infections. It just kills y a to see your child in such pain and discomfort.

Susan said...

Try the jock itch cream (instead of the monistat)--it's a little cheaper and it worked better on our kids. Of course, no applicators to play with, and the checker will think that Hot Stuff's feet have gotten too close to whatever you needed all that monistat for, but whatever. And fee him some yogurt, if he will eat it. That can help, too.

Ah, nothing like unsolicited advice! We had a long, scary run of yeast rash with Charlie--it sucked. Poor little SB!

Mary P. said...

Awww... this one made me laugh out loud and sigh in pity - about half a dozen times each. Poor wee mite. Number four had me snorting water out my nose - not pretty, but a tribute to your writing! LOL

Homestead said...

That Bactriban is THE SHIT. Worth every penny of the $30+ I spent on it. Thank you all for your concern and comments... we are back in pale-moon territory once again.... not cured, but so very much better.

ieatcrayonz said...

The best thing I ever found for diaper rash was good old Crisco in the tub. Cheap and keeps the poo from sticking.

Never would have guessed. Glad you're back in the pale zone again.