Single Parenthood: Day 5

The mama couldn't sleep last night. A combination of lonely and fretting about work and fretting about baby. I'm going to confess something.... whenever Hot Stuff is gone I build a mound of pillows on his side of the bed and wear one of his t-shirts out of the laundry to bed. (I just have to get a semi-clean one... one time I got one he'd worn while cutting down trees.... nothing says snuggle me like the smell of chainsaw gasoline.... but BOY I slept well.)

Sweet Boy had cheesy-eggs for breakfast. He loves them. I swear, next time I make them I'm putting him on the floor and letting the dog clean his face. That stuff is like concrete when it dries.

Work & lonely will pass. Baby fretting will be cured by hearing that sweet whoosh-whoosh on the Doppler this afternoon. I invited my mother-in-law to hear it. My cousin is due around the same time I am and she emailed last night telling me how her son felt the baby kick.... at 18 weeks? She can feel movement on the outside? Wow. I feel those fluttery little kicks that could easily be confused with gas or hunger.... so I sat, concentrating with all my might, and felt.... nothing. Even though my ration brain was reminding me movement isn't reliable this early I worried. So I ate something sugary and flopped down on my left side... just like the books tell you too... something that works great..... later on. My ration brain was now yelling at me to just go to bed and go to sleep already... this wouldn' t WORK. But I tried anyway. And got.... nothing. And this morning on the way to daycare I was rewarded with about 15 thumps to the backside of my belly. Little shit... already not doing what mama wants.

And then the daycarista told me the mama due in April is having a boy. Sweet Boy won't be the only XY-chromosome bearer anymore! And then she told me the mama due the same time I am lost her baby. And I teared up thinking about her and I wondered how it happened and I wondered how she was coping and I wondered if I REALLY felt those kicks this morning....

And then I talked to one of my friends and her daughter's teacher just lost a baby. And I told my friend to remember that mama on her due date. Nobody remembers the mama on the due date. My due date was February 16th... maybe that is what has me dwelling on this so much lately. If that baby had been born the same amount late Sweet Boy was born the birthdate would have been my Grandma's birthday. My special grandma. Somehow that's a sign and a comfort to me. I think when you have a loss like that you take comfort wherever you can and you treasure that comfort like a precious thing. That's what I think.

And why is the term "lost a baby" so inadequate? It's not like I left the baby in the cart at Target. It makes me feel like that little baby's soul is just out there... lost. And no baby that was loved and wanted can just be lost like that, can they?

And then today I went to Torrie's blog and learned her baby, her precious and so long sought baby, doesn't have a heart beat. And my heart broke. So, please, if you can, go to her. Offer what comfort you can and let her know people are thinking about her.