Hot Stuff had cataract surgery 3 years ago. Recently his eyesight has been getting cloudy and dark and blurry so the doc needed to go in and dynamite a hole with a laser to fix it. Seriously…. That’s how Hot Stuff described it. And that’s why I generally treat him like a 6-year-old regarding medical issues. But, turns out, basically, he’s accurate. So Wednesday we trekked to Great Falls where the ophthalmologist that works with his regular eye doctor performs this procedure twice a month.
It all started with a bad book choice. I hit the library’s “new releases” section Tuesday night because I didn’t want the other people in the ophthalmologist’s office to know I’ve been reading trashy Nora Roberts books for the last two weeks (why I bothered, I don’t know…. None of those people could SEE the title of my book anyway now could they?). So I got a book by Terry Goodkind. Why is he such a big seller? I remember reading the first two of his sci-fi series long ago. I thought they were fine but nothing stellar. So why did I pick up this one? Well, I just read and enjoyed (do I sound surprised? I was surprised) a book by Diana Gabaldon. The concept? A woman accidentally goes back in time in Scotland. (You understand the surprise now, no?) So I thought maybe I needed more sci-fi but I couldn’t find the second in the Gabaldon series…. So I ended up with Terry and bored. The magazine selection was less than thrilling and the waiting room was packed so, when left to my own devices, I eavesdropped and people-watched and made judgmental assessments in my head.
First, the process. This is cattle-call surgery at it’s finest. Patients go to one building to check in and get dilated (their eyes…. Although hugely pregnant me thought of THAT too). Then they are sent to ANOTHER building for the procedure. We walked over because Hot Stuff looked and said the parking lot was full. The parking lot wasn’t full but that’s what I get for trusting a guy who needs eye surgery to look. We needed the exercise anyway which brings me to my next thought…. SIZE. No, not just the fact that all the “vision center” signs were in teeny text…. I’m talking size as in super-size me. The majority of the people were huge….. why? Is it the obesity epidemic I keep hearing about? Is it some correlation between being overweight, diabetes & cataracts? I don’t know but somebody should write a book about it.
They called Hot Stuff back and put a purple sharpie dot over the eye he was having worked on…. Then she dilated him…. Again. I’m pretty sure that was a big oopsie. He came back to the waiting room and gave me his personal stuff (we weren’t sure at this point how big a deal this procedure was going to be so he gave me his hat, sunglasses, pen, St. Florian’s medal & cell phone) and then they called 6 patients up. I watched them line up in chairs along a hallway. They each got two packets of eyedrops and post-op instructions. Then they called them in one at a time and as each one went in (I’m not kidding) they all had to move down one chair and a new person was called to fill in the empty seat. Hot Stuff said it was disconcerting but not really too bad until the guy next to him (a retired music teacher) started singing some sort of twisted “musical chairs” theme.
Meanwhile, the nurse is calling for James. There are, apparently, two people named James in the office. One is back in the musical chairs line and paying attention and keeps perking up at her when she says his name. The other is lost somewhere in the sea of people in the waiting room. And there is this poor little woman named Jane who keeps trying to get in line every time the nurse calls for James. Picture a tiny, deaf, perhaps slightly demented woman in polyester pants standing about 6 inches from the nurse yelling, “Are you saying Jane? JANE? J-A-N-E? I’m Jane.”
And then Hot Stuff went through the procedure room door. And Jane wandered back and took his seat. Hot Stuff was in there less than 4 minutes. He came out, took his sunglasses & hat, and we were outta there. Seriously.
And off to our traditional Jaker’s soup-n-salad bar lunch. Indeed, it is where we go whenever anyone has medical procedures in Great Falls. Fabulous high-end salad bar and 5 different lovely soups. I had shrimp bisque & homemade tomato (with blue cheese sprinkles…. And don’t hassle me that pregnant women shouldn’t eat blue cheese…. Pregnant women shouldn’t eat unpasturized cheese and I challenge you to find a restaurant in Great Falls Montana that serves unpasturized cheese) and a giant plate of fresh greens smothered in oh-so-healthy things like creamy dressing, cheese, bacon bits & hard-boiled eggs. And, since we were celebrating Hot Stuff’s newfound (refound?) eyesight I had a hand-squeezed lemonade and he had a heffeweizen. (I admit… I stole a few sips…. Damn, that stuff is good… go ahead, hassle me about it.)
And I stole a packet of those little breadstick things for Sweet Boy because my grandma always used to bring those to me when I was little and I loved to pretend they were cigars or magic wands and then eat them. But I left a really big tip…. Because I felt guilty about being a master thief and because I always feel sorry for waitstaff when there is a buffet-style meal… I don’t think people tip well in those situations. And because I wanted to surprise and impress our waitress…. She tried to give the credit card slip to Hot Stuff (because he looks like a big tipper) and had a slightly crestfallen look when I took it…. I remember that about waiting tables….. the fear of stingy-wife syndrome.
So we headed for home, Hot Stuff took a nap, I cranked the ipod & wondered all the way home if Jane ever got the correct procedure done…..
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