Tuesday, May 31, 2005

The Boobcycle Review Part II: The Condition

Following are some conditions that exist when you are a breastfeeding goddess…..

The flash. Indeed, I have actually walked out of my house with bra flaps aflapping. It’s breezy, but not nearly as unpleasant as one might think. I put it in the same category as going to work with my slippers on…...

The stick up. To the uninitiated those leak protector pads with the sticky stuff on the back might seem like a good idea. But then they get smooshed to the side while the small person snacks and all wrinkled up and pretty soon the sticky adhesive is, um, stuck… to a part of you that is very sensitive at that moment. You think pulling a bandaid off a hairy leg hurts?? You don’t know pain.

The gigantious. Sure you think they will be sexy…. Until you slam one in the car door because you aren’t used to that shelf sticking out there like that…. Seriously, when I was PK (pre-kid) I bought a “Wonderbra” and immediately cuffed myself in the side of the tit with the car door… spun me around in a 360 & made me squeak… much to the amusement of those around me. Now I have to deal with these mamacitas 24/7. I have a whole new respect for my big-boobied sisters in this world. And then there is post-nourishment… when they look (as my friend Lala put it) like two tangerines in a tube sock.

Booger-boobs. Yes, it can’t be avoided…. if one’s wee child is a goober-factory the chestages are going to get gooey. Trust me… this is not the most disgusting body fluid issue parenthood brings…. And, really, it is easier than trying to pin down a flailing baby & use that blue-bulb-booger-sucker (affectionately referred to as “the blue goose” in our house.)

The garbage guy. The regular janitor has a wife. He knows “the sound” and “the closed door” and what that signifies. No problem. The substitute janitor… well, let’s just say he knows about it now. I know a woman who would put a sign on her door that said “moo” to alert co-workers… as if the chugga-glug of the Holstein machine wasn’t enough to warn everyone.

The flash: version 2. This is when your little guy figures out that there is a world beyond that blankie over his head while he is eating lunch in public and, dammit, he wants to see it. Who doesn’t enjoy a nice view while they dine?

You can (I hope) read Part I here:



kalki said...

This is so funny!!

LadyBug said...

Love this post. And, of course, I found myself nodding in agreement the whole way through, except for the part about the nursing pads. I never used the ones with the sticky backs. My double Ds are enough to hold 'em in place.

P.S. - The link didn't work for me.

M&Co. said...

Uh. The Link took me to Microsoft.Com. Is it me?

LadyBug said...

Try it with no spaces in between the <>'s.

Good grief, I really should just send you an email, but I have to run again. I'll try to get one to you this weekend, if I'm on the computer.

LadyBug said...

Hey girl, that link's still not working; but I think it's just because you have two of these: http:// in there.