Is Neon Butt-Rash a Halloween costume or a punk rock band?

October 2005 will go down in Homestead history as the month of the ruddy bottom. Really. I think the low point was this morning at the doctor’s office when I told the receptionist he looked like a baboon in heat. Family Services will be calling. Actually, I have a question about that…. My son currently looks like what I THOUGHT a neglected baby that hasn’t had a diaper change in a week or so looks like…. So what do neglected babies who REALLY haven’t had their weekly diaper change look like? Must be some kind of awful. Poor baby is getting greased & floured like a tiny little bundt pan on a regular basis (actually, now that I think about it… his butt is the same shade as my red silicone bundt pan.) Here, in no particular order, are things this month has made me thankful for…

1. Aveeno Bath Soak.

2. Color-safe bleach. (I can’t just let him run around naked… what if he unloads on my carpet? So I put him in sweat pants naked-bottomed and he pees in them… better a GIANT load of “soiled” kid clothes than a corner-the-cat-keeps-sniffing-suspiciously.)

3. Plastic toy elk, deer & moose. (How else do you get a kid to stay in the tub for 20 minutes twice a day?)

4. Sweet Boy’s wanker. (How he entertains himself in the tub when he isn’t busy with the wildlife.)

5. The nurse “working us in” for an appointment.

6. Benadryl meltaways. (The only thing that helped him sleep on Saturday night.)

7. Numbing crotch spray… you know…. The stuff the doc tells you to get for post-partum.

8. Corn starch.

9. All those months and months of no diaper rash.

10. Our daycarista. She let him “air it out” in the linoleum play area and carefully monitored what he was eating, drinking and pooing.

11. Monostat. Because nothing says funny like the look on the face of a teenage checker when you slap a box of cooch cream and a tube of industrial strength diaper stuff on the counter. (I really should have stocked up on astroglide, gerbil flea spray & enemas while I was there….)

12. My hairdryer. Seriously, it hasn’t been turned on in years until now.

13. Hot Stuff. He took more than half of the diaper changes. Nothing says love like a baby running from a diaper and hiding behind his toybox.

14. Towels right out of the dryer. (Is there anything cuter than a smiling little face with big round eyes all wrapped up in a fluffy purple towel? When you are soaking and airing twice a day you get a lot of towel time.)

15. Giggling with my mom over the tube of monostat in my purse.

16. Squeezed lemons. (Because just drinking water & milk when you can’t have juice is boring.)

17. Tall, skinny babies. If he was chubby he’d be in a size 4 diaper and, well, those are more expensive….

18. Mupirocin ointment (Bactroban)

19. Sweet natured kids. A tear-streaked baby patting daddy’s hand saying, “nice da-dee” after a wicked diaper change tears your heart. If it doesn’t, you are a cold, dead fish.

20. Broadwater Athletic Club and Hot Springs. For some reason the pool there did not turn him into a squealing mess… and he actually healed up a little… amen for the power of natural hot water.

21. A best friend who is a nurse... and who doesn't mind if your kid whizzes on her carpet.

22. Fun tub toys. (Read: monostat applicators.)

23. The light at the end of the tunnel. If he isn’t better by Friday the doc promises to do a butt transplant.

Redneck-In-Training

Redneck-In-Training
Originally uploaded by Homestead.

Does this photo even need a post? The poor kid doesn't stand a chance, does he? And, for the record, he likes Eastman's Bowhunting Journal better than the rifle version.

Also for the record... Rifle season opened Sunday. Hot Stuff has only hunted one rifle day so far and my freezer is still empty. Here's hoping something delicious ends up in there in the next few weeks. I like elk. I don't mind deer (love deer sausage if it is done right). I don't like antelope. Ew. Prairie goats. Ew.

Hunting season is a topic for much discussion and a lot of Redneck jokes. I can't tell you the number of camo-wearing people I've seen (or sort-of seen... it is camo after all) in the last week. I was sporting my army-camo pants on Saturday in honor of the weekend.... although mine came from the clearance section of Target and setting a mouse trap is about the most blood-n-guts they will see. Hot Stuff loves to get out in the woods. He isn't so in love with killing things so he usually comes home empty-handed but his directions this season are "fill the freezer or eat rice all year." Hot Stuff loves him some rice, but every once in a while a boy needs some protein and, frankly, we just can't afford to buy meat (if that is what you call that disgusting product in cellophane & styrofoam that you can buy) at the store.

Bug Love

Let me start by saying this.... I'm Catholic. But wait... please keep reading.... I'm not one of THOSE Catholics..... Anyway, like many Catholics, I believe in signs.

A few weeks ago while driving to work I noticed a shoe in the median. I laughed to myself and thought of LadyBug and her post about why there is always only one shoe and wondering what the story was. (I'd link that post but I'm just too lazy.... Go see LadyBug... her info is somewhere in my comments... she's damn funny & writes the sweetest letters to Big Boy.)

So every day I see the shoe and think about LadyBug and toss a few good thoughts her way (and a carefree "fuck" or two because she knows I swear when I care...) but about 2 weeks ago I noticed the shoe was gone. (Why did I notice this? Well, I notice these kinds of things.)

This afternoon I was driving to town and GUESS WHAT??? Another shoe. (Different style... not the mate... I know you were wondering....) How crazy is that? I got shivers. Obviously I am supposed to be thinking about LadyBug right now. So, honey, I'm thinking about you. I know things are bleak in your world and you are feeling a little raw but you have a bunch of dopey bloggers thinking about you and now some cosmic power keeps tossing out shoes for you....

Ya gotta be feelin' the love....

Meth.

Here's a link for ya....

The Montana Meth Project.

It took me about half my vacation time to realize that NO OTHER STATES have these ads on tv or radio. Check out the 5 tv spots. What do you think? Too graphic? Dead on? We see them every night on Channel 12. And the billboards & the radio spots.

Do other states have the problem with meth that we have? It is a big deal here. Hot Stuff goes through annual training to learn how to identify a meth lab and what to do. A lot of the labs are in the back woods and the "slag" is very explosive... not to mention the lab owners.... hopped up, tweaked out and armed.

And, with that, I'm outta here.... a fun-filled weekend of work in Billings... back later next week.

I'm back... sorta.

Vacation was fabulous.

Lala says I'm the only person she knows who can call folding someone else's husband's underwear vacation. I have skills like that.

Sweet Boy loved the baby moose and taking off in the plane. The trip home was made ever-so-sweet courtesy of half a benadryl meltaway.... I'm sure the runny nose was all about teething and he didn't really NEED the benadryl but still.... a napping child makes for happy travel companions.

We went to "Pump It Up" in Colorado Springs. Been there? No, it isn't a workout place. It's full of inflatable toys. (Remind me to tell ya'll the story of googling "inflatable toys" at work while trying to find blow-up swimming pools in October to put drinks in to chill.....) Anyway. Once I got over my paranoia that the front desk guy worked a second job at Pediphiles-R-Us we had a really great time sliding on the big slide and racing around the bouncy-track like little road runners. I recommend it to all.

The down-part (besides leaving Lala & Little at the airport) was (yet again) failing in my mission to get "Mother of the Year." Yes, people, you will be seeing my real name on Parents Behaving Badly for.... wait for it.... LOCKING MY SON IN THE CAR.

Can you say "Oh my Fucking HELL" with me?

Fortunately, the Lala-husband unit was quick with the spare key and Sweet Boy was not buckled into the car seat. He actually got out of the car seat, crawled in the front seat, got his paci out of the diaper bag, and (after he got over his confusion) was playing with the steering wheel.... LOCKED IN THE CAR. I have never been so fucking horrified in my life. AND I had many family witnesses there.... so it has to go in the Christmas letter or someone will call me out on it.... I am just going to add a paypal button here for all of you who would like to donate to Sweet Boy's therapy fund. LOCKED IN THE CAR.

Bye for now.

Dear Internet,

My mama is taking me on a big bird tomorrow. I am very excited. I get to sit on her lap the whole way. She's been away for work a few days and I'm very excited to spend some quality time with her. We are going to visit my Auntie Lala and her family. Her kids are Big, Middle & Little. Little & I plan to speak Taiwanese to each other and drive our trucks in the sand box.

I'm gonna smile really nice at the flight attendant and see if if she will sneak me unlimited amounts of apple juice and maybe a cookie or two.

Mama has threatened me with the sticky orange stuff if I be naughty. So I promise to be very, very good. She says she has some special treats for on the plane. I hope they are markers. I love markers. Or maybe a baby moose. I have a baby deer but I really need a baby moose. I'm going to wear my overalls and I need a baby moose to put in the front pocket.

Mama is packing for us now and I really need to go supervise.... otherwise she might forget my blue baseball cap. I need that.

Until next time....

Love,
Sweet Boy

I'm working here.

I'm working here.
Originally uploaded by Homestead.

So sweet. So cute. So naughty.

Because I can tell you want to know MORE about me....

10 Years Ago
Putting that bachelor of arts in biology to use program directing and instructing at a martial arts school in California. In great shape but lonely and bored as hell.

5 Years Ago
In love. So in love. Still in love.

1 Year Ago
I hate pumping at work. I hate working. I wonder what Sweet Boy is doing?

Yesterday
Painting. And more painting. And cleaning. And raking. And, all the while, being assisted by the tiny dictator.

5 Snacks I Enjoy
Crackers & cheese
Fresh salsa
Chocolate things
Popcorn
Park Ave Bakery treats

5 Songs I Know All the Words To
My Little Potato
Happy Birthday
Yeah, I usually make up my own words…

5 Things I’d Do with 100 Million Dollars
Remodel the house
Open a bottomless charge account for Hot Stuff at Capital Sports
Set up educational trusts for Sweet Boy & my nieces
Create a trust to give small one-time awards to Montana residents to buy college text books… no financial or age or institution requirements…. Just a tiny boost to as many individuals as possible. The application will have one requirement, “Tell us how you intend to “pay it forward” in kindness.”
Buy really expensive cheese

5 Places I’d Run Away To
The Oregon coast
Down by the creek
San Francisco
Oaxaca, Mexico
The Canadian border
Big Hole River

5 Things I’d Never Wear
anything that needs to be ironed
colored socks (unless they are holiday ones… I have a special thing for holiday ones)
busy prints (unless maybe it was cammo?!?)
peach anything… coral is good… peach makes me look deathly
a blonde wig (ok, just that one time….)

5 Favorite TV Shows
ER
McGuyver
Cleopatra 2525 (this kills my husband)
CSI
Vegas (I just really like the clothes)
Sometimes I wish we had cable or satelite

5 Biggest Joys
Sweet Boy
Hot Stuff
Riding a horse really well (ok, I’m still waiting for that to be consistent but I have small moments of true joy)
A perfect bit of dark chocolate with a glass of good red wine
My hammock

5 Favorite Toys
Orvis flyrod
Digital camera
Skis (downhill)
Compound target bow (that I don’t own yet)
Hot Stuff

Think Globally, Drink Locally.

Susan asked if we have Starbucks. Hey, we might not have indoor plumbing… but we have Starbucks. THREE of them last I counted…. In a town with a population of about 25,000. The only storefront you can see more often is, maybe, Verizon Wireless dealers. Seriously.

I love Starbucks but, on principle, try to avoid them…. At least in Helena. There are a couple very fabulous independent coffee places in town and I try to do the right thing and support local. (This is the “don’t shit in your own back yard” theory of Redneckology. I’ll drink Starbucks in any other town….)

If you are driving Hwy 12 stop at the little coffee shack by the “Knight’s Rest” motel. I’m not even going to comment on the “Knight’s Rest” but amazingly good coffee and they give you a little mini donut too…. Such a deal. And if you are downtown go to Fire Tower Coffee or Morning Light Coffee or Park Avenue Bakery… I’ll meet you there.