Things my doctor told me.

Subtitled: Why I love this man.

1. You can buy that fancy boob lube, but Crisco works pretty well too…. Although I wouldn’t recommend the butter flavor. No, definitely not the butter flavor.
2. Pregnant women make people hysterical. Everything has a warning label for pregnant women. Yes, you can use the back massager.
3. Don’t believe everything you read.
4. Wow, what gauge is the fishing line you used to keep your belly piercing open? Where did you get it? (The man is a hard-core fly fisherman.)
5. Two days after my due date… on a Friday. “Don’t have your baby this weekend. I’m out of town until Sunday night.” (I had the baby Monday morning at 6:58am)
6. Really, it isn’t that difficult to work spermicide into foreplay but it doesn’t taste very good.
7. To the nurses “Hey we’re having a baby over here.” To my sister & husband “Never mind, we can just do this ourselves.” And they did.
8. Don’t get hung up on numbers. (referring to my weight and to my son’s temperature.)
9. All a newborn needs is love, a few diapers & a warm place to sleep.
10. Oh yeah, wait until I tell you what my kids did when they were babies….
11. Hey, I can see your ankle bones and they look just fine.
12. Just call the office.
13. Well, try putting a pillow under your butt. (He gave me this advice multiple times and for multiple reasons…. I’ll leave it to your imagination… but, whatever you are thinking, you are right.)
14. That’s normal.
15. Just put the child development and baby care books on the back of the toilet. They’ll get read.