Sunday, April 17, 2005

Gross farm topics

Ok, so I told a story about my grandpa hanging BACON on an ELECTRIFIED WIRE in Closet Metro’s comments section. But you have to understand that I grew up on a farm/ranch with a veterinarian father.

I once took pickled baby kittens for show & tell in the second grade. My dad spayed a cat that was pregnant (he didn’t know) and put the kittens in a baby food jar for me to show my friends. Later, in high school, this same project (with preserved horse nuts) prevented me from having a date for 2 ½ years. My mom even had t-shirts made about it for my sister & me…. “Hey guys, My dad is a vet & he castrates STUDS.” Something like that.

My dad often compares food products to animal diseases and by-products. Red jello salad, for example, looks like biopsied dead cow lungs. And sour cream is frighteningly similar to a cancer-eye abscess.

When my sister was 12 she did a very accurate explanation of a cow’s circulatory system using a dead cow, 2 sticks & a piece of garden hose. All went well until she got into a tug-o-war with the dog over the stomach.

I was the only person who could eat a roast beef sandwich DURING cadaver lab. (Cadavers remind me of dried apples.)

We used to walk barefoot to the horse barn.

My brother called placenta “plazooka” and it is a common joke at our house to respond to the question of “What’s for dinner” with “plazooka sandwiches.” (Imagine my horror when I found out some people do, indeed, eat the placenta of their offspring… stir-fried, with a hint of garlic.)

1 comment:

LadyBug said...

Oh, dear. Yes, well...

Blech.

Now compiling a list of things that absolutely WILL NOT cross my delicate palet today...

1. Pickled anything, including pickled, um, pickles.

2. Nuts of any kind.

3. Anything resembling jello, salad, or jello salad, red or otherwise.

4. Sour cream (and I just threw up in my mouth a little bit, thinking about the (gulp) cancer-eye abscess and its possible resemblance to my (now former) favorite baked potato condiment).

5. Sandwiches of ANY kind, especially roast beef and, um, (GAG) plazooka sandwiches.

6. Dried apples.

7. Anything stir-fried.

8. Anything with garlic.

THANK GOD you made no mention of chocolate in your post, or I'd have to hate you, I'm sure.