Fire.

I'm trying not to post about fire. Because, well, it's just such an obvious thing to be talking about, isn't it? It's fucking hot and smokey here which makes way more sense than saying fucking cold.... because since when is fucking cold?

So, yeah, shit is burning up. People are being evacuated. Nobody can breathe and my eyes feel like I've been sleeping in mascara, underwater, in an over-clorinated pool. Hell, our first day of swim lessons was canceled due to a fire evacuation. It sucks and we are living it.... but please, tourists, visit our lovely state and leave us your hard-earned dollars....

So, today, I will provide for your viewing enjoyment.... my evacuation plans.

planS... you have more than one?

Why yes.

The 5-minute plan: Grab the kids, the dog, the cell phone and the credit card and get the fuck out. The GOOD thing about this kind of natural disaster.... it is site specific. It isn't like a tornado or a hurricane where a whole town is wiped out. As long as I have the credit card I can always buy food and diapers.

The 25-minute plan: Same as above but add turning on the sprinklers, grabbing the two crates of photo albums & momentos, the jewelry box, the safe deposit box keys, guns and as many of Hot Stuff's largest elk horns as possible. I've already backed up all my photos & computer to idiot sticks and I have them stashed at work. The important paperwork (birth certificates etc) are in a safety deposit box (ok, once and for all... is it safe deposit or safety deposit??)... but, of course, both sets of keys are in my house. Must make note to take one set to work.

The 2-day plan: Rent a storage unit in town and grab the above as well as a few select antiques and other valuables. Cut down the oily evergreen tree and drag it away from the house. Move the tractor and pickup to town.

The what-I'd-really-like plan: Do you think it would be possible to send a few items TO the fires? Like, can I selectively burn up a few things? The pink recliners, for example?

Our house is extemely defensible so I'm not too worried. But there is only one way in and one way out of our neighborhood and the idea of riding out a wild fire isn't super appealing to me... call me crazy.... so we take the "be prepared" route and hope for no smoldering lightning strikes.

It's interesting. We walked through the house and in each room asked, "What's important here?" There are some things... like the arrowhead collection Hot Stuff's grandpa gave him... that are easy... but you have to decide where to draw the line. The old photo albums... but all the new ones can easily be replaced with a quick trip to snapfish so they aren't as important. I'm discovering there aren't a WHOLE lot of things that couldn't be pretty easily replaced. And there are some things (did I mention the pink recliners??) that I'd LOVE to see go.... so what does that say about me??