You asked for it......

I really can't figure out how to post this.... so here it is... rough-style.

By no means have I READ all of these books.... I just write down titles as I see them or hear of them and hope, hope, hope to read them someday. The list is handy when I go to the library and need inspiration. (Note: Yes, there is a little "trash" among the "treasures." No snobbery allowed here at the Homestead.)

Ace, Jane
Present at the Creation : My Years in the State Department
Acheson, Dean
Education of Henry Adams
Adams, Henry
INVITATION TO PROVENCE
Adler, Elizabeth
A Death in the Family
Agee, James
Tuesdays With Morrie
Albom, Mitch
Tuesdays with Morrie
Alborn, Mitch
A Pattern Language
Alexander, Christopher

Alexander, Shana
Daughter of Fortune
Allende, Isabel
THE BURNING OF RACHEL HAYES
Allyn, Doug
Citizen Soldier
Ambrose

Ambrose, Steven
Have A Nice Day -No Problem A dictionary of Cliches
Ammer, C
Winesburg, Ohio
Anderson, Sherwood
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
Angelou, Maya
The Heart of a Woman
Angelou, Maya
Vinegar Hill
Ansay, A. Manette

Antrim, Minna
Contours of American History
Appleman Williams, Willian
The Courtisian
Atkins, Eileen
The Handmaid's Tale
Atwood, Margaret

Auster, Paul
Secrets of the Tsil Café
Averill
20th Century Words
Ayto, J
Dictionary of Word Origins
Ayto, J

Bailey, Pear
Go Tell It on the Mountain
Baldwin, James

Baldwin, James
Notes of a Native Son
Baldwin, James
Slaves in the Family
Ball, Edward
Athena
Banville, John
The Barnhart Dictionary of Etymology
Barhart, R
A Complaint is a Gift
Barlow, Janelle & Moeller, Claus
Family Resemblance
Barrientos
Samuel Johnson
Bate, Walter Jackson
Gracefully Insane
Beam, Alex
Uncle Tom's Cabin
Beecher Stowe, Harriett
Zuleika Dobson
Beerbohm, Max
Henderson the Rain King
Bellow, Saul
The Adventures of Augie March
Bellow, Saul
The Life & Times of the Last Kid Picked
Benjamin
The Old Wives' Tale
Bennett, Arnold
An Invisible Sign of My Own
Benter, Aimee
SHEM CREEK A Lowcountry Tale
Benton Frank, Dorothea
Open House A Novel
Berg, Elizabeth
THE ART OF MENDING
Berg, Elizabeth
Girlfriends
Berry & Traeder

Berry, Wendell

Berry, Wendell
Tara Road
Binchy, Maeve
Class Action
Bingham, Clara

Blume, Judy
Midwives
Bohjalian, Christopher

Bombeck, Erma
Clare Booth Luce
Booth Luce, Clare
TECHNOLOGY AND THE CHARACTER OF CONTEMPORARY LIFE
Borgmann, Albert
The Death of the Heart
Bowen, Elizabeth
GABRIEL DU PRE mystery series
Bowen, Peter
The Sheltering Sky
Bowles, Paul
The Emperors of Chocolate
Brenner, Joel Glenn
If I Never Get Back
Brock
The Greatest Generation
Brokaw, Tom
A Walk in the Woods
Bryson, Bill
The Souls of Black Folk
Bubois, WEB

Buffett, Jimmy
On Her Own Ground
Bundles, A'Lelia
A Clockwork Orange
Burgess, Anthony
Stolen Valor
Burkett, BG

Burroughs, Augusten
The Way of All Flesh
Butler & Pritchett
Martha Inc
Byron, Chrostopher

Cady Stanton, Elizabeth
Tobacco Road
Caldwell, Erskine
The Wake of the Wind
California Cooper, J
The Wealthy Spirit
Campbell, Chellie
In Cold Blood : A True Account of a Multiple Murder and ItsConsequences
Capote, Truman

Carnegie, Dale
The Power Broker : Robert Moses and the Fall of New York
Caro, Robert
Silent Spring
Carson, Rachel
Life Al Dente
Cascone, Gina
Death Comes for the Archbishop
Cather, Willa
Melbourne
Cecil, David

Chandler, Raymond
The Wapshot Chronicle
Cheever, John
ALEXANDER HAMILTON
Chernow, Ron
The House of Morgan : An American Banking Dynasty and the Riseof Modern Finance
Chernow, Ron
Titan
Chernow, Ron
THE LADY AND THE UNICORN
Chevalier, Tracy
Utopia
Child, Lincoln
Money Dragon
Chun, Pam
Second World War
Churchill, Winston
Good Words to You
Ciardi, J

Cisneros, Sandra
Rainbow Six
Clancy, TOm

Clancy, Tom
What Looks Like Crazy on an Ordinary Day
Cleage, Pearl

Coben, Harlen

Coelho, Paulo
Disgrace
Coetzee, JM
Spirit Dive
Coffman, Michael
Children of Crisis
Coles, Robert

Colette
Christopher Collier
Collier, Christopher
My Brother Sam Is Dead
Collier, James Lincoln

Collier, James Lincoln
Blood Work
Connley, Michael
Nostromo
Conrad & Watts
Heart of Darkness
Conrad, Joseph
Lord Jim
Conrad, Joseph
The Secret Agent : A Simple Tale
Conrad, Joseph
The Miracle Strain
Cordy, Michael
The Skating Pond
Corey, Deborah Joy

Cormier, Robert
The Chocolate War
Cormier, Robert
Redcoat
Cornwell, Bernard
Point of Origin
Cornwell, Patricia
Housewrights
Corrieveau, Art
Generation X: Tales for an Acclerated Culture
Coupland, Douglas
Jurassic Park
Crighton, Michael
by Herbert Croly
Croly, Herbert
Desert Places
Crouch, Blake
Faking It
Crusie, Jennifer
Gorky Park
Cruz Smith, Martin
The Cambridge Encyclopedia of the English Language
Crystal, D
The Chili Queen
Dalles, Sandra
Flappers 2 Rappers, American Youth Slang
Dalzel, T
The Strange Death of Liberal England
Dangerfield & Stanksy
Breath, Eyes, Memory
Danticat, Edwidge
THE DEW BREAKER
Danticat, Edwidge
Mind Catche
Darnton, John
For Matrimonial Purposes
Daswani, Kavita

Davies, Robertson
The Bone Collector
Deaver, Jeffrey
The Day the World Came to Town
DeFede
Philosophy and Civilization
Dewey, John
Fifth Life of the Catwoman
Dexter, Kathleen
Deliverance
Dickey, James
I am Madame X
Diliberto, Gioia
Pilgrim at Tinker Creek
Dillard, Annie

Diller, Phyllis
Out of Africa and Shadows on the Grass
Dinesen, Isak
Ragtime
Doctorow, EL
SWEET LAND STORIES
Doctorow, EL
Your Money or Yor Life
Dominquez & Robin
The Ginger Man
Donleavy, JP
Madame Sadyakko
Downer, Lesley
The Sherlock Holms Mysteries
Doyle, Arthur Conan
Sister Carrie
Dreiser, Theodore
American Tragedy
Dreiser, Theodore
The Rescue Season
Drury 363.3481 D
Peter Bowen series
Du Pre
The Three Musketeers
Dumas, Alexandre
River Teeth
Duncan, David James
Hallucinating
Duncker, Foucault
Welcome to Higsby
Dunn, Mark

Duplantis, Jesse
The Alexandria Quartet : Justine/Balthazar/Mountolive/Clea
Durrell, Lawrence
Perma Red
Earling, Deborah
Glamorama
Easton Ellis, Bret
Foucault's Pendulum
Eco, Umberto

Eggers, Dave
The Mill on the Floss
Eliot, George

Eliot, George
Selected Essays
Eliot, TS
James Joyce
Ellmann, Richard
Healthy Foods
Ely, Leanne 641.5622 E

Epheron, Nora
Love Medicine Erdrich
Erdrich
Edison and The Electric Chair
Essig, Mark
Middlesex
Eugenides, Jeffrey
Hard Eight
Evanovich
Hard Eight
Evanovich
A Treasury of Great American Scandals
Farquhar, Michael
Studs Lonigan : A Trilogy
Farrell & Fanning
As I Lay Dying : The Corrected Text
Faulkner, William
The Sound and the Fury : The Corrected Text
Faulkner, William
The Majors
Feinstein, John
Horned Animal Party
Ferlatte, Diane
BRIDGET JONES' DIARY
Fielding, Helen

Fielding, Henry
Crossing Brooklyn Ferry
Fields, Jennie
Paranoia
Finder, Joe

Findlay, Timothy
White Oleander
Fitch, Janet
Tender Is the Night
Fitzgerald, F Scott
Great Gatsby
Fitzgerald, F Scott
Listening to America
Flexner, S
PILLARS OF THE EARTH
Follett, Ken
WHITEOUT
Follett, Ken
The Civil War : A Narrative
Foote, Shelby
Parade's End
Ford, Madox Ford
Independence Day
Ford, Richard
Infinite Jest
Foster Wallace, David
The Magus
Fowles, John

Fox Maxer, Norma
Lucky Man
Fox, Michael
Golden Bough
Frazer, James George
COLD MOUNTAIN
Frazier, Charles
Great War and Modern Memory
Fussell, Paul
A Lesson Before Dying
Gaines, Ernest
A Lesson Before Dying
Gaines, Ernest
The Affluent Society
Galbraith, John Kenneth
Business @ the Speed of Thought
Gates, Bill

Geirach, John

Geirach, John
A Virtuous Woman
Gibbons, Kaye
Ellen Foster
Gibbons, Kaye
ECOLES DES FEMMES ('The school for wives')
Gide, Andre
The Interpreter
Glass, Susan
Evensong
Godwin, Gail
Tales of the Female Nomad
Golden Gelman, Rita
Memoirs of a Geisha
Golden,
Lord of the Flies by William Gerald Golding
Golding, William Gerald

Gordon, Barbara

Gould, Stephan J.
Mismeasure of Man
Gould, Stephen J
Vermeer
Gowing, Lawrence
Not All Tarts Are Apple
Granger, Pip
I, Claudius : From the Autobiography of Tiberius Claudius
Graves, Robert
Good-Bye to All That : An Autobiography
Graves, Robert
Unhinged
Graves, Sarah
Fire In the Turtle House
Gray Davidson, Osha
The Heart of the Matter
Green, Graham
Loving/Living/Party Going/3 Books in One Volume
Green, Henry
The Street Lawyer
Grisham, John
The Testament
Grisham, John
Oldest Living Confederate Widow
Gurganus, Allan
The Taming of Chance
Hacking
The Autobiography of Malcolm X
Hailey, Alex
Sam: The Boy Behind the Mask
Hallman, Tom

Halsey, Margaret
A Map of the World
Hamilton, Jane
The Book of Ruth
Hamilton, Jane
The Maltese Falcon
Hammett, Dashiell
I Could Tell You Stories, Sojourns in the Land of Memory
Hampl, Patricia
A Dictionary of Surnames
Hankes & Hodges
A Mathematician's Apology
Hardy, GH
The Proper Study of Mankind : An Anthology of Essays
Hardy, Henry

Harris, Robie
Abide with Me
Harrison, E Lynn
EVENTIDE
Haruf, Kent
Science - A Brief History of Time
Hawkings
The House of the Seven Gables
Hawthorne, Nathaniel

Hawthorne, Nathaniel

Hayden Herrera, Frida
Mother of Pearl
Haynes, Melinda
The Transit of Venus
Hazzard, Shirley
Stones from the River
Hegi, Ursula
Catch 22
Heller, Joseph
Sun Also Rises
Hemingway
A Farewell to Arms
Hemingway, Ernest
The Facts on File Word and Phrase Origins
Hendrickson, R

Henley, Linda
THE LIGHTED PATH
Henrique, Risha
THE LIGHTED PATH
Henruque, Risha

Hepburn, Katherine
The Happiness Code
Herrick, Amy
Skin Tight
Hiaasen
King Leopold's Ghost
Hochschild, Adam

Hodgins, Jack
Here on Earth
Hoffman, Alice
American Political Tradition and the Men Who Made It
Hofstadter, Richard
The Ants
Holldobler

Hong Kingston, Maxine

Hornby, Nick
Religion - The Reed of God
Houselander

Houston, Pam
High, Wide & Handsome
Howard, JK
Strange Empire
Howard, JK
High Wind in Jamaica
Hughes, Richard
The Lady In Kicking Horse Reservoir
Hugo, Richard
Their Eyes Were Watching God
Hurston, Zora Neale
Brave New World
Huxley
Brave New World
Huxley, Aldous
Point Counter Point
Huxley, Aldous

Ibarruri, Delores

Irving, John
The Sketch Book
Irving, Washington

Ivins, Molly
The Frontier in American History
Jackson Turner, Frederick
The Ambassadors
James, Henry
The Golden Bowl
James, Henry
The Wings of the Dove
James, Henry
Dancing with the Witch Doctor
James, Kelly
Varities of Religious Experiences
James, William

Jardine, Ray
Feel the Fear
Jeffers, Susan
History - Intellectuals
Johnson
The Elements of Mentoring
Johnson & Ridley
Never so Green
Johnson, Tim
From Here to Eternity
Jones, James
Fear of Flying
Jong, Erica

Jong, Erica
Finnegans Wake
Joyce, James
Ulysses
Joyce, James
A Portrait of the Artist As a Young Man
Joynce, James
Blubber
Judy Blume
The Perfect Storm
Jung, Sebastian
BLOODSWORTH
Junkin, Tim
UNDER THE BANNER OF HEAVEN
Kakauer, Jon
Love It Don't Leave It 26 Ways to Get What You Want at Work
Kaye, Beverly & Jordan-Evans, Sharon
The Face of Battle
Keegan, John
TWISTED
Kellerman, Jonathan
Ironweed : A Novel
Kennedy, William J

Keriousc
On the Road
Kerouac

Kerouc

Kerr, Jean
Journal of the Dead
Kersten, Jason

Key, Ellen
Sushi for Beginners
Keyes, Marian
The General Theory of Employment, Interest, and Money
Keynes, John Maynard

Kimball, Nell
Why We Can't Wait
King, Martin Luther
The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon
King, Stephen
The Poisonwood Bible
Kingsolver, Barbara
Kim
Kipling, Rudyard

Klass, David

Klein, Norma
Sex, Lies and Cocoa Puffs
Klosterman, Chuck
Darkness at Noon
Koestler, Arthur
Swimmer in the Secret Sea
Kotzwinkle, William

Kubler-Ross, Elisabeth
Dr Strangelove
Kubrick, Stanley
The Structure of Scientific Revolutions
Kuhn, Thomas S
La Lenteur
Kundera
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Kundera, Milan
SHADOW DIVERS
Kurson, Robert
The Seventh Tomb of Monte Alban
Kyle Madsen, Mildred
I Know This Much Is True & She's Come Undone
Lamb, Wally
Operating Instructions : A Journal of My Son's First Year
Lamott, Anne
Sons and Lovers
Lawrence, DH
Women in Love
Lawrence, DH
The Rainbow
Lawrence, DH et al
Crow Lake
Lawson, Mary
THE MOLD IN DR. FLOREY'S COAT
Lax, Eric
Girls in Trouble
Leavitt, Caroline

Lebowitz, Fram
Single & Single
leCarre, John
The Canal House
Lee, Mark
Six Easy Pieces : Essentials of Physics Explained by Its MostBrilliant Teacher
Leighton, Robert
Food & Loathing
Lerner, Betsy

Lester, Julius
The Disappointment Artis
Lethem, Jonathan
Where the Heart Is
Letts, Billie

Leverson, Ada
The Periodic Table
Levi, Primo
Main Street
Lewis, Sinclair
Sweet Science
Liebling, AJ
NYT Home Repair Almanac
Lipinski, Edward
A Preface to Morals
Lippmann, Walter
Homeland
Lipsyte, Sam
Call of the Wild
London, Jack
Jewel
Lott, Brett
Lois Lowry
Lowry, Lois
Under the Volcano
Lowry, Malcolm

Lynch, Chris
Alien in the Mirror
Lytle, Casey
Cal
MacLaverty, Bernard
A River Runs Through It
Maclean, Norman
No Great Mischief
MacLeod, Alistair
THE SHOP ON BLOSSOM STREET
Macomber, Debbie
Boonville
Mailer Anderson, Robert
The Naked and the Dead
Mailer, Norman
A House for Mr. Biswas
Maipaul, VS
The Journalist and the Murderer
Malcolm, Janet
SERVING CRAZY WITH CURRY
Malladi, Amylya
Jefferson, the Virginian (Jefferson and His Time, Vol 1)
Malone, Dumas

Mansfield, Katherine
West With the Night
Markham, Beryl
Cien Anos de Soledad
Marquez, G Garcia
THE HILLS OF TUSCANY
Mate, Ferenc
Law of the Buy In
Maxwell, John
Bella Tuscany
Mayes, Frances

Mazer, Harry
Lay that Trumpet in Our Hands
McCarthy Susan
A Giant's House
McCracker, Elizabeth
The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter
McCullers, Carson
The Great Bridge : The Epic Story of the Building of theBrooklyn Bridge
McCullough, David
Child of My Heart
McDermott, Alice
Songs in Ordinary Time
McGarry Morris, Mary
The Cadence of Grass
McGuane, Tom
Story: Substance, Structure, Style & The Principles of Screenwriting
McKee
My Father’s Ghost
McKee Chamas, Suzy
A New Kind of Christian
McLaren, Brian
THE MEMORY OF RUNNING
McLarty, Ron
LOOP GROUP
McMurtry, Larry
My Russian
McNamer, Dee
Rim of the Weeds
McNamer, Deidra
The Rise of the West : A History of the Human Community
McNeill, William

McPhee, John
Battle Cry of Freedom : The Civil War Era
McPherson, James
The Age of Jackson
Meier?
American Language, Supplement One
Mencken, HL
Home Comforts
Mendelson, Cheryl
Loteria
Mendoza, Ruben
The Changeling
Middleton & Rowley
Savage Beauty: The Life of Edna St. Vincent Millay
Milford, Nancy
Like Being Killed
Miller, Ellen
Tropic of Cancer
Miller, Henry
While I Was Gone
Miller, Sue
Red Azalia
Min, Anchee
Gravitation
Misner & Thorne & Wheeler
A Fine Balance
Mistry, Rohinton
The Deep End of the Ocean
Mitchard, Jacquelyn
A Cup of Light
Mones, Nichole

Monro, Alice
Lies of Silence
Moore, Brian
Island of the Sequined Love Nun.
Moore, Christopher
Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
Moore, Christopher
Principia Ethica
Moore, GE
The Midwife's Tale
Moran Laskas, Gretchen
A Passage to India
Morgan Forster, Edward
A Room With a View
Morgan Forster, Edward
Aspects of the Novel
Morgan Forster, Edward
Howards End
Morgan Forster, Edward
Gap Creek The Story of a Marriage
Morgan, Robert
The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt
Morris, Edmund
Paradise and Song of Solomon
Morrison, Toni
Paradise
Morrison, Toni
Stones in the Summer
Mossman, Dow
The City in History
Mumford, Lewis
Under the Net
Murdoch, Iris

Myers, Walter Dean
An American Dilemma : The Negro Problem and Modern Democracy
Myrdal, Gunnar
Pale Fire
Nabokov, Vladimeir Vladimirovich
Lolita
Nabokov, Vladimeir Vladimirovich
Speak, Memory : An Autobiography Revisited
Nabokov, Vladimeir Vladimirovich
A Bend in the River
Naipaul, VS
Science and Civilization in China : Chemistry and ChemicalTechnology
Needham, John
Autobiography of Mark Twain
Neider, Charles
On Sarpy Creek
Nelson, Ira
Heather Has Two Mommies
Newman, Leslea
The Time Traveler's Wife
Niffenegger, Audrey
Little Birds
Nin, Anais
We Were the Mulvaneys
Oates, Joyce Carol
Buffalo for the Broken Heart
O'Brien
Wise Blood
O'Conner
Back Roads A Novel
O'Dell, Tawni
Christine O'Donnell
O'Donnell, Christine
Autobiographies (Collected Works of W.B. Yeats, Vol 3)
O'Donnell, William
Appointment in Samarra
O'Hara, John
Fly Fishing The River of Second Chances
Olsson, Jennifer
The English Patient.
Ondaatje, Michael
Long Days Journey into Night
O'Neill, Eugene
Peter's Choice
Orbi, Joseph
9 Steps to Financial Freedom
Orman, Suze
The Courage to Be Rich
Orman, Suze
Animal Farm : A Fairy Story
Orwell, George
Homage to Catalonia
Orwell, George
1984
Orwell, George
THE DISTANCE BETWEEN
Osborne, Eliza
THE BOOK OF SECRETS
Osho
The Schooling of Claybird Catts
Owens, James
All Over Creation
Ozeki, Ruth

P. Levi La Tregua
The Gnostic Gospels
Pagels, Elaine
Studies in Iconology Humanistic Themes in the Art
Panofsky, Erwin

Parker, Dorothy

Parker, Dorothy
Lawrence in Oaxaca
Parmenter, Ross
U.S.A. : The 42nd Parallel, 1919, the Big Money
Passos, John
The Magician's Assistant
Patchett, Ann

Paterson, Katherine
When the Wind Blows
Patterson, James
The dictionary of the Khazar
Pavic
Youth in Revolt
Payne, CD
Beginner's Luck
Pedersen, Laura
All the King's Men
Penn Warren, Robert

Penn Warren, Robert
Philosophy - The Emperor's New Mind
Penrose
The Moviegoer by Walker Percy
Percy, Walker
Mode d'employ
Perec, La vie, G
Susan Beth Pfeffer
Pfeffer, Susan Beth
My Sister's Keeper
Picoult, Jodi

Plath, Sylivia
The Open Society and Its Enemies : The Spell of Plato
Popper, Karl Raimund
A Dance to the Music of Time : First Movement
Powell, Anthony
Carpe Jugulum
Pratchet, Terry
Paradise Bay
Pratt
Heart of the Indigenous Soul
Prechetel, Martin
T. Pynchon Gravity's Rainbow
Pynchon
I Thee Wed
Quick, Amanda
Black and Blue
Quindlen, Anna

Rakoff, David
Blue Moon Circus
Raleigh, Michael
The Castle of the Flynn’s
Raleigh, Michael
ATLAS SHRUGGED
Rand, Ayn
A Theory of Justice
Rawls, John
Wicked Words
Rawson, H
Wild Card Quilt
Ray, Janisse
AFRICA
Readers, John
The Kingfisher’s Call
Reed, John
The Story Teller
Reid, Arthur
Cadillac Desert : The American West and Its Disappearing Water
Reisner, Marc
Alice Series
Reynolds Naylor, Phyllis
The Rapture of Canaan
Reynolds, Sheri
The Making of the Atomic Bomb
Rhodes, Richard
Vittorio, the Vampire
Rice, Anne
Cold Springs
Riordan, Rick
BAIT
Robards, Karen
Jitterbug Perfume
Robbins, Tom
Flesh Tones
Rose, MJ
American Pastoral
Roth
Portnoy's Complaint
Roth, Phillip

Rowland, Helen
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Rowling, JK

Runyon, Damon
Midnight's Children
Rushdie, S
The Ground beneath her feet
Rushdie, S
STRAIGHT MAN,
Russo, Richard
Holes
Sachar, Louis
The Catcher in the Rye
Salinger, JD
Susan Santag
Santag, Susan
On Language
Sapphire, William
Princess
Sasson, Jean
The Reader
Schlink, Bernhard
Drowning Ruth A Novel
Schwarz, Christine
Mistaken Identity
Scottoline, Lisa

Sedaris, David
Ideas and Opinions
Seelig, Carl

Sellman, Jane
A Midsummer Night's Dream
Shakespeare
A Bright Shining Lie : John Paul Vann and America in Vietnam
Sheehan, Neil

Sher, Barbara
Larry's Party
Shields, Carol
The Pilot's Wife
Shreve, Anita
What's Heaven
Shriver, Maria
Ghost Soldiers
Sides, Hampton
Do What You Love
Sinetar, Marsha

Sitwell, Edith

Slaughter, Karin
Good Faith
Smiley, Jame
Aging with Grace
Snowden, David
Of Human Bondage
Somerset Maugham, W
The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie
Spark, Muriel
The Notebook
Sparks, Nicholas
MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE
Sparks, Nicholas
The Gate of Heavenly Peace : The Chinese and Their Revolution1895-1980
Spence, Jonathan
The Pilots
Spencer, James

Spong, John
AN UNFINISHED LIFE
Spragg, Mark
The Fifth Sacred Thing
Starhawk
Bittersweet
Steel, Danielle
Angle of Repose
Stegner, Wallace
Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas
Stein, Gertrude
Tender Buttons
Stein, Gertrude
Of Mice and Men
Steinbeck, John
The Grapes of Wrath
Steinbeck, John

Steinbeck, John
All Too Human
Stephanopolos, George

Stern, Laurence
Sugar Busters
Steward & Bethea
Driving Over Lemons
Stewart, Chris

Stine, RL
I Sleep at Red Lights
Stockler, Bruce
Eminent Victorians
Strachey, Lytton
Elements of Style
Strunk, William
Sophie's Choice
Styron, William
Darkness Visible : A Memoir of Madness
Styron, William
MR. LUCKY
Swain, James
Paper Wings
Swick, Marly
Gulliver's Travels
Swift
Religion and the Rise of Capitalism
Tawney, RH
Memoirs - To School Through the Fields
Taylor,
Working : People Talk About What They Do All Day and How TheyFeel About What They Do
Terkel, Studs

Thayer, Nancy
The Lives of a Cell : Notes of a Biology Watcher
Thomas, Lewis
On Growth and Form
Thompson, D'Arcy Wentworth
Making of the English Working Class
Thompson, Edward
PIRATES OF PENSACOLA
Thomson, Keith

Tomlin, Lily

Toole, John Kennedy
Sam Casey books
Tooley, SD
A Study of History
Toynbee, Arnold

Traven, B

Traver, Robert
The Liberal Imagination : Essays on Literature and Society
Trilling, Lionel
The Guns of August
Tuchman, Barbara
The Song Reader
Tucker, Lisa
Marvelous Monikers
Tuleja, T
These is My Words
Turner, Nancy
Working Fire
Unger, Zac
Separating
Updike, John

Vail, Rachel
The Strange Career of Jim Crow
Vann Woodward, Comer
Value in the Valley
Vanzant, Ayanla
One Day My Soul Just Opened Up
Vanzant, Iyanla
Yesterday I Cried
Vanzant, Iyanla

Viorst, Judith

von Ebner-Eschenbach, Marie
Expect the Unexpected
Von Oech, Roger
Crusade : A Duty Dance With Death
Vonnegut, Kurt
Cat's Cradle and Galapagos
Vonnegut, Kurt

Vowell, Sarah
The Color Purple
Walker, Alice
Billy's Boy
Warren, Patricia Nell
The Double Helix : A Personal Account of the Discovery of theStructure of DNA
Watson, James
A Handful of Dust
Waugh, Evelyn
Brideshead Revisited
Waugh, Evelyn
Scoop
Waugh, Evelyn

Waugh, Evelyn
Ashes of Victory
Weber, David
Daddy Long Legs
Webster, Jean
The Devil Wears Prada
Weisberger, Lauren
Winter in the Blood & Fool's Crow
Welch, Jim
Big Ugly
Weld, William

Wells, Carolyn
Logan’s Storm
Wells, Ken
Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood
Wells, Rebecca

Wells, Rebecca
Trainspotting
Welsh, Irvine

Welty, Eudora
Dictionary of American Slang
Wentworth & Flexner
The Wedding
West, Dorothy

West, Jessamyn
The Day of the Locust
West, Nathanael
Black Lamb and Grey Falcon : A Journey Through Yugoslavia
West, Rebecca
The Age of Innocence
Wharton, Edith
Ethan Frome
Wharton, Edith
The House of Mirth
Wharton, Edith

Wharton, Edith
An Avelanche of Anoracks
White, R
Shark River
White, Randy
Principia Mathematica to 56
Whitehead & Russell
Winner of the National Book Award
Willett, Jincy
Daddy's Roommate
Willhoite, Michael
Patriotic Gore : Studies in the Literature of the American CivilWar
Wilson, Edmund
Professor and Madman
Winchester, Simon
THE PROFESSOR AND THE MADMAN
Winchester, Simon
Good Hope Road
Wingate, Lisa
Ten Perfect Fingers
Winner, Brenda
How to Make a Living Without a Job
Winter, Barbara
The Passion or Written on the Body
Winterston, Jeanette
In the American Grain
Wlliams, Carlos William
The Right Stuff
Wolfe, Tom
This Boy's Life : A Memoir
Wolff, Tobias

Wollstonecraft Shelly, Mary
Florence Nightingale : 1820-1910
Woodham-Smith, Cecil
Under the Lake
Woods, Stuart

Woodson, Jacqueline
A Room of One's Own
Woolf, Virginia
To the Lighthouse
Woolf, Virginia
Native Son
Wright, Richard
Black Boy
Wright, Richard
Wide Sargasso Sea
Wyndham & Rhys
Art of Memory
Yates, Francis
THE PRIZE
Yergin, Daniel
Banker to the Poor
Yunus, Muhammad

Zindel, Paul
Invisible Man

Secrets of the Talking Jaguar: A Mayan shaman's Journey to the

Shadow and Act

Snow Falling on Cedars

Social Science - Slouching Towards Gomorrah

The Rooms of Heaven?

Almanac of the Dead Silko

Art and Illusion : A Study in the Psychology of PictorialRepresentation

BHG New Complete Guide to Home Repair

Biography - Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man

Black Hawk Down.

Blind Mans Bluff

Cantebury Tales

Charming Billy

Classical Mechanics by Herbert Goldstein.

Cloud Mountain

Confederacy of Dunces

Count of Monte Christo

Dracula

Fannie Calderon De La Barca

Hannibal

Harold Bloom's Shakespeare

In The Meantime

Knolls Medicine for MT Wilderness

Lazarus' Heart

Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil

Never be lied to again

The Splendor of Truth (JPII)

Places I Never Meant To Be: Original Stories by Censored Writers.

Poetry - Occulta (Plunkett)

Portnoy's Complaint

Portrait of the Artist As a Young Man

Princess –Jean Sasson

Rodeo Queen History

Scull Session

Shere Hite

Success With Words

The Road To Wellville

The Bible According to Einstein

The Black Book of Communism

The Discoverers

The Invention of The Human

The Millionaire Next Door

The Mirror and the Lamp : Romantic Theory and the CriticalTradition

The Name of the rose

The Nature and Destiny of Man : A Christian Interpretation

The Oxford English Dictionary

The Postman Always Rings Twice

The Spiritual Chick’s Question Everything _Red Wheel

The Sunday Wife

Undaunted Courage,

Webster's Word Histopries

Yellow raft on Blue Water

Because it must be seen to be believed.....

Here it is.

I know you didn't believe a purse existed big enough to contain all the items in my previous post. But here it is. Notice the sexy silver trim. Sparkle is all the rage this season. And the funky flowered lining... it ain't paisley but almost.

I just got the rescue remedy stuff... it is supposed to calm you. Tranquilize me, Baby.

Can I say again how much I love Neutrogena Nail Enhancer?

But now, what you've all been waiting for (drum roll please)....

Homestead's lip gloss and book list....

Lip Gloss #1 is Mabelline Wet Shine Diamonds. Dumb name, great gloss. Mine is pink diamonds. #55. Sexy. Understated. Makes Sweet Boy sparkle when I kiss his head.

Lip Gloss #2 is Mary Kay Signature Bronzing Lip Gloss Duo in Mango/Mist. I love it. I think it was part of the summer collection. Ok, I'll admit.....I bought it when a friend had a MK party and I felt obligated to go. It was $16.50 which is way more than I would normally spend on an entire outfit... let alone one lip gloss. But it has lasted a long time and it looks great... and it has a little mirror in the lid which I love. (Note to any of you who run out and get this stuff... there is a little lip brush in the compact between the two gloss shades... it took me a while to figure that out...actually I had to read it on the bottom of the compact to figure it out...) I also love the MK lip liner in neutral. Ok, end of endorsement. Oh wait... one more thing.... Jill is a MK gal if you don't have one locally. Now, truly, end of endorsement.

My book list... oh my, are you sure you want this? I have to find it on the computer so I'll post it later today... or tomorrow.....

What's in YOUR wallet?

Klog has a post about what is in her purse right now. Cracked me up. So I decided to play. Right here. Right now. Wait. First let me say this: I used to not carry a purse at all. Or at least not much of one. It gave me a headache. But these days I’m carrying that purse/work/diaper bag combo… because I’m too lazy to carry an actual diaper bag (I have one in the car….) So here goes:

Wallet (small one…. So I can carry it in the pocket of my fleece if I’m just running into the video store or something.)
Check book
Epi-pen
Plastic horse & Matchbox racecar (What do you play with in the checkout line? Oh, THAT’s when you people are reading magazine covers and learning that Britney had her baby…. I still don’t know what that kid’s name is… and I’m embarrassed to tell you how long it took me to find out what’s-her-name is having a kid with that annoying guy from Top Gun.)
Dino-crackers (I don’t usually have these in my purse… they go in the console of the car.)
Neutrogena nail enhancer (I love this stuff.)
Pen
Flashdisk
Sometimes a daytimer
Cell phone
Baby wipes
Diaper
Spare paci
Sunglasses
Fold up fan (this is actually for my menopausal friend, but it comes in pretty handy sometimes…. Here on the frozen tundra things tend not to be air-conditioned… ever.)
Little pink zipper bag (lip gloss, spare car keys, ponytail holder, stamp cards (coffee & such), library reading list, phone list & my fishing license)
Medium orange zipper bag… these are the coolest mesh bags…. Got them at Target… they are a pencil holder set. (travel tissues, fold-up hair brush, travel lotion, travel hand sanitizer, tiny baggie of Advil/Tylenol/Excedrin, nail file, lip gloss, tampons, gum, breath mints, Shout wipes, tiny sewing kit, Immodium, decongestant, antacid, tiny sunscreen, moist wipes, bandaids, duct tape) Wow. That’s a lot of shit in a tiny bag.

Oh, and on the subject of diaper bags…. We have 4.

The car bag: In the trunk. Emergency stuff. It’s the bag we got free from the hospital.

The daycare bag: The daily stuff. Baggie of drugs (that sounds bad... better clarify... Deej's tylenol, advil, teething tablets, gas drops, benedryl, etc), swim trunks in summer, mittens/hat in winter, extra outfit, extra shoes, spare paci.

The swim bag: floaties, goggles, swim diapers, sunscreen in summer, lotion, body wash, regular diapers, towels, swim suit, change to “rent” a towel when we forget ours, plastic bag for wet stuff, membership card, jammies to put on after swimming.

The Patagonia bag: The best diaper bag from the Pata-guchi outlet in Dillon, MT. It is a narrow rectangle one-strap that goes across the body but not-really-a-messenger bag that goes everywhere. Three compartments and a sunglasses case/cell phone holder on the strap. It fits under the bleachers at football games, under the seat in an airplane, in the grandstands at a rodeo and I can pack a ton of stuff in it. Love it. And it is sexy enough for Hot Stuff to carry.

Is Neon Butt-Rash a Halloween costume or a punk rock band?

October 2005 will go down in Homestead history as the month of the ruddy bottom. Really. I think the low point was this morning at the doctor’s office when I told the receptionist he looked like a baboon in heat. Family Services will be calling. Actually, I have a question about that…. My son currently looks like what I THOUGHT a neglected baby that hasn’t had a diaper change in a week or so looks like…. So what do neglected babies who REALLY haven’t had their weekly diaper change look like? Must be some kind of awful. Poor baby is getting greased & floured like a tiny little bundt pan on a regular basis (actually, now that I think about it… his butt is the same shade as my red silicone bundt pan.) Here, in no particular order, are things this month has made me thankful for…

1. Aveeno Bath Soak.

2. Color-safe bleach. (I can’t just let him run around naked… what if he unloads on my carpet? So I put him in sweat pants naked-bottomed and he pees in them… better a GIANT load of “soiled” kid clothes than a corner-the-cat-keeps-sniffing-suspiciously.)

3. Plastic toy elk, deer & moose. (How else do you get a kid to stay in the tub for 20 minutes twice a day?)

4. Sweet Boy’s wanker. (How he entertains himself in the tub when he isn’t busy with the wildlife.)

5. The nurse “working us in” for an appointment.

6. Benadryl meltaways. (The only thing that helped him sleep on Saturday night.)

7. Numbing crotch spray… you know…. The stuff the doc tells you to get for post-partum.

8. Corn starch.

9. All those months and months of no diaper rash.

10. Our daycarista. She let him “air it out” in the linoleum play area and carefully monitored what he was eating, drinking and pooing.

11. Monostat. Because nothing says funny like the look on the face of a teenage checker when you slap a box of cooch cream and a tube of industrial strength diaper stuff on the counter. (I really should have stocked up on astroglide, gerbil flea spray & enemas while I was there….)

12. My hairdryer. Seriously, it hasn’t been turned on in years until now.

13. Hot Stuff. He took more than half of the diaper changes. Nothing says love like a baby running from a diaper and hiding behind his toybox.

14. Towels right out of the dryer. (Is there anything cuter than a smiling little face with big round eyes all wrapped up in a fluffy purple towel? When you are soaking and airing twice a day you get a lot of towel time.)

15. Giggling with my mom over the tube of monostat in my purse.

16. Squeezed lemons. (Because just drinking water & milk when you can’t have juice is boring.)

17. Tall, skinny babies. If he was chubby he’d be in a size 4 diaper and, well, those are more expensive….

18. Mupirocin ointment (Bactroban)

19. Sweet natured kids. A tear-streaked baby patting daddy’s hand saying, “nice da-dee” after a wicked diaper change tears your heart. If it doesn’t, you are a cold, dead fish.

20. Broadwater Athletic Club and Hot Springs. For some reason the pool there did not turn him into a squealing mess… and he actually healed up a little… amen for the power of natural hot water.

21. A best friend who is a nurse... and who doesn't mind if your kid whizzes on her carpet.

22. Fun tub toys. (Read: monostat applicators.)

23. The light at the end of the tunnel. If he isn’t better by Friday the doc promises to do a butt transplant.

Redneck-In-Training

Redneck-In-Training
Originally uploaded by Homestead.

Does this photo even need a post? The poor kid doesn't stand a chance, does he? And, for the record, he likes Eastman's Bowhunting Journal better than the rifle version.

Also for the record... Rifle season opened Sunday. Hot Stuff has only hunted one rifle day so far and my freezer is still empty. Here's hoping something delicious ends up in there in the next few weeks. I like elk. I don't mind deer (love deer sausage if it is done right). I don't like antelope. Ew. Prairie goats. Ew.

Hunting season is a topic for much discussion and a lot of Redneck jokes. I can't tell you the number of camo-wearing people I've seen (or sort-of seen... it is camo after all) in the last week. I was sporting my army-camo pants on Saturday in honor of the weekend.... although mine came from the clearance section of Target and setting a mouse trap is about the most blood-n-guts they will see. Hot Stuff loves to get out in the woods. He isn't so in love with killing things so he usually comes home empty-handed but his directions this season are "fill the freezer or eat rice all year." Hot Stuff loves him some rice, but every once in a while a boy needs some protein and, frankly, we just can't afford to buy meat (if that is what you call that disgusting product in cellophane & styrofoam that you can buy) at the store.

Bug Love

Let me start by saying this.... I'm Catholic. But wait... please keep reading.... I'm not one of THOSE Catholics..... Anyway, like many Catholics, I believe in signs.

A few weeks ago while driving to work I noticed a shoe in the median. I laughed to myself and thought of LadyBug and her post about why there is always only one shoe and wondering what the story was. (I'd link that post but I'm just too lazy.... Go see LadyBug... her info is somewhere in my comments... she's damn funny & writes the sweetest letters to Big Boy.)

So every day I see the shoe and think about LadyBug and toss a few good thoughts her way (and a carefree "fuck" or two because she knows I swear when I care...) but about 2 weeks ago I noticed the shoe was gone. (Why did I notice this? Well, I notice these kinds of things.)

This afternoon I was driving to town and GUESS WHAT??? Another shoe. (Different style... not the mate... I know you were wondering....) How crazy is that? I got shivers. Obviously I am supposed to be thinking about LadyBug right now. So, honey, I'm thinking about you. I know things are bleak in your world and you are feeling a little raw but you have a bunch of dopey bloggers thinking about you and now some cosmic power keeps tossing out shoes for you....

Ya gotta be feelin' the love....

Meth.

Here's a link for ya....

The Montana Meth Project.

It took me about half my vacation time to realize that NO OTHER STATES have these ads on tv or radio. Check out the 5 tv spots. What do you think? Too graphic? Dead on? We see them every night on Channel 12. And the billboards & the radio spots.

Do other states have the problem with meth that we have? It is a big deal here. Hot Stuff goes through annual training to learn how to identify a meth lab and what to do. A lot of the labs are in the back woods and the "slag" is very explosive... not to mention the lab owners.... hopped up, tweaked out and armed.

And, with that, I'm outta here.... a fun-filled weekend of work in Billings... back later next week.

I'm back... sorta.

Vacation was fabulous.

Lala says I'm the only person she knows who can call folding someone else's husband's underwear vacation. I have skills like that.

Sweet Boy loved the baby moose and taking off in the plane. The trip home was made ever-so-sweet courtesy of half a benadryl meltaway.... I'm sure the runny nose was all about teething and he didn't really NEED the benadryl but still.... a napping child makes for happy travel companions.

We went to "Pump It Up" in Colorado Springs. Been there? No, it isn't a workout place. It's full of inflatable toys. (Remind me to tell ya'll the story of googling "inflatable toys" at work while trying to find blow-up swimming pools in October to put drinks in to chill.....) Anyway. Once I got over my paranoia that the front desk guy worked a second job at Pediphiles-R-Us we had a really great time sliding on the big slide and racing around the bouncy-track like little road runners. I recommend it to all.

The down-part (besides leaving Lala & Little at the airport) was (yet again) failing in my mission to get "Mother of the Year." Yes, people, you will be seeing my real name on Parents Behaving Badly for.... wait for it.... LOCKING MY SON IN THE CAR.

Can you say "Oh my Fucking HELL" with me?

Fortunately, the Lala-husband unit was quick with the spare key and Sweet Boy was not buckled into the car seat. He actually got out of the car seat, crawled in the front seat, got his paci out of the diaper bag, and (after he got over his confusion) was playing with the steering wheel.... LOCKED IN THE CAR. I have never been so fucking horrified in my life. AND I had many family witnesses there.... so it has to go in the Christmas letter or someone will call me out on it.... I am just going to add a paypal button here for all of you who would like to donate to Sweet Boy's therapy fund. LOCKED IN THE CAR.

Bye for now.

Dear Internet,

My mama is taking me on a big bird tomorrow. I am very excited. I get to sit on her lap the whole way. She's been away for work a few days and I'm very excited to spend some quality time with her. We are going to visit my Auntie Lala and her family. Her kids are Big, Middle & Little. Little & I plan to speak Taiwanese to each other and drive our trucks in the sand box.

I'm gonna smile really nice at the flight attendant and see if if she will sneak me unlimited amounts of apple juice and maybe a cookie or two.

Mama has threatened me with the sticky orange stuff if I be naughty. So I promise to be very, very good. She says she has some special treats for on the plane. I hope they are markers. I love markers. Or maybe a baby moose. I have a baby deer but I really need a baby moose. I'm going to wear my overalls and I need a baby moose to put in the front pocket.

Mama is packing for us now and I really need to go supervise.... otherwise she might forget my blue baseball cap. I need that.

Until next time....

Love,
Sweet Boy

I'm working here.

I'm working here.
Originally uploaded by Homestead.

So sweet. So cute. So naughty.

Because I can tell you want to know MORE about me....

10 Years Ago
Putting that bachelor of arts in biology to use program directing and instructing at a martial arts school in California. In great shape but lonely and bored as hell.

5 Years Ago
In love. So in love. Still in love.

1 Year Ago
I hate pumping at work. I hate working. I wonder what Sweet Boy is doing?

Yesterday
Painting. And more painting. And cleaning. And raking. And, all the while, being assisted by the tiny dictator.

5 Snacks I Enjoy
Crackers & cheese
Fresh salsa
Chocolate things
Popcorn
Park Ave Bakery treats

5 Songs I Know All the Words To
My Little Potato
Happy Birthday
Yeah, I usually make up my own words…

5 Things I’d Do with 100 Million Dollars
Remodel the house
Open a bottomless charge account for Hot Stuff at Capital Sports
Set up educational trusts for Sweet Boy & my nieces
Create a trust to give small one-time awards to Montana residents to buy college text books… no financial or age or institution requirements…. Just a tiny boost to as many individuals as possible. The application will have one requirement, “Tell us how you intend to “pay it forward” in kindness.”
Buy really expensive cheese

5 Places I’d Run Away To
The Oregon coast
Down by the creek
San Francisco
Oaxaca, Mexico
The Canadian border
Big Hole River

5 Things I’d Never Wear
anything that needs to be ironed
colored socks (unless they are holiday ones… I have a special thing for holiday ones)
busy prints (unless maybe it was cammo?!?)
peach anything… coral is good… peach makes me look deathly
a blonde wig (ok, just that one time….)

5 Favorite TV Shows
ER
McGuyver
Cleopatra 2525 (this kills my husband)
CSI
Vegas (I just really like the clothes)
Sometimes I wish we had cable or satelite

5 Biggest Joys
Sweet Boy
Hot Stuff
Riding a horse really well (ok, I’m still waiting for that to be consistent but I have small moments of true joy)
A perfect bit of dark chocolate with a glass of good red wine
My hammock

5 Favorite Toys
Orvis flyrod
Digital camera
Skis (downhill)
Compound target bow (that I don’t own yet)
Hot Stuff

Think Globally, Drink Locally.

Susan asked if we have Starbucks. Hey, we might not have indoor plumbing… but we have Starbucks. THREE of them last I counted…. In a town with a population of about 25,000. The only storefront you can see more often is, maybe, Verizon Wireless dealers. Seriously.

I love Starbucks but, on principle, try to avoid them…. At least in Helena. There are a couple very fabulous independent coffee places in town and I try to do the right thing and support local. (This is the “don’t shit in your own back yard” theory of Redneckology. I’ll drink Starbucks in any other town….)

If you are driving Hwy 12 stop at the little coffee shack by the “Knight’s Rest” motel. I’m not even going to comment on the “Knight’s Rest” but amazingly good coffee and they give you a little mini donut too…. Such a deal. And if you are downtown go to Fire Tower Coffee or Morning Light Coffee or Park Avenue Bakery… I’ll meet you there.

Do they skip Q?

This will be my one and only post about hurricanes.

Based on my limited understand, I though hurricanes were named alternately male & female. Then each season starts with the alternate gender (I love saying alternate gender) from the previous year.

So why isn’t Rita named Reggie?

Let’s look at this, shall we:

K Katrina
L Male
M Female
N Male
O Ophelia
P Male
Q Female
R Male

Is Rita a male name in some cultures? Is it just too hard to come up with enough "Q" names? And who decides those names anyway?

Here ya go....

Ladybug tagged me!

The Rules:
1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same.

And so I give you this tidbit of fabulous writing:

She has big sexy hair but I know the reason she really loves being a cowgirl is never having to shave her legs.....

I tag Susan, Cheryl, M&Co., Sierrabella & Mary P. (sorry, too lazy to link right now.)

It's a Class Thing

How many kids are in a Class 5A school?

The biggest class we have in Montana is Double A.

I graduated from a Class C school. Do you know what that means?

1. There were 8 in my graduating class (no, not 800 or 80). And, yes, I do know where they all are today. 2 of them are reading this right now and laughing.

2. We played 6-man football. That's right. It's like basketball with helmets.

3. I had the same history/govt teacher from the 7th grade-12th grade.

4. One of my classmates got hung on a hook in the gym by the teacher in 2nd grade. (Just wanted to share that...)

5. Most of the kids I graduated with I went to kindergarten with... or met when our school consolidated with the next town over when I was in the 4th grade.

6. The schools all just consolidated again this year.

7. I was related to a lot of kids in my school.

8. I didn't date much. (But not just because I was related to everyone.... that wouldn't stop a true Redneck from dating....)

9. The school pretty much shut down during tournament time.

10. I got to wave to my sister at lunch every day when she was in kintergarden and I was in high school. I threw things at my brother... he was in junior high.

11. My teachers often called me by my aunt's name.

12. My brother passed Senior English based on the fact that "all those (my family) kids are good at English."

13. He almost failed math due to the exact same reasoning.

14. I still get twitchy and worry that people are watching me when I go back to that little town.

KGrams

Yes, I want to do Sunday Smorgasboard. Please-oh-please.

homestead321 at hotmail dot com

Movie Night at the Homestead

Last night we watched Snow Walker. (Hot Stuff's pick)

I'm pleased to report it is a lovely film and everyone enjoyed it..... even Sweet Boy.....who waved at each and every plane in the first 30 minutes and said, "Bye Guys!" Then he went to bed.

The in-laws came down with homemade pizza & I made some seriously chocolate cookies. Add a few beers (for the pizza) and some tea (for the cookies) and you have the makings of a really nice evening.

Tonight's pick.... Friday Night Lights.

We have a thing for football movies. Slaughter Rule. That one with Titans in the title and Denzel. Ok, I will admit... I had some problems "suspending reality" for Slaughter Rule.... there are several serious problems with the movie in general and it should have been more carefully researched. Anybody else see it? Know what I'm talking about?

It's A Small, Small World

I had one of those "cue the It's A Small World theme song" moments last week..... Talking to a guy on the phone who asks my hometown. Then he says his ex-wife is from there. Well, when you hail from a town with 596 people (and I'm pretty sure they had to count dogs to get the number that high) the chances are pretty good you will know who he was married too. He tells me who she is..... This woman has been married to not one, but TWO of my cousins.

I'm not sure if It's a Small World or Dueling Banjos is more appropriate here.....

And suddenly I realized, this, this is my Life.

This is in response to all those women who think they can "have it all" and not change the way they function after having kids. I used to travel a lot for work. Not so much now... but some. The last trip I took was in December 2004.

Ok. Picture me (please picture me sleek & attractive & fun). I'm in the end stall of the bathroom in an airport in a major city.... an adaptor is snaking out of the stall and plugged into the ONLY wall outlet in the bathroom. A black bag containing a strange machine is hanging off the edge of the bathroom stall (why does THIS bathroom not have that handy hook on the back of the door?) and emitting an odd chugging sound. I'm STANDING in the stall (doing yoga poses & deep breathing to pass the time) praying no one is going to alert security about the bomb-machine in the concourse D bathroom. Yes, my serene & speedy pumping session was frequently interupted by the "gahwhoosh" of the fraggin' auto-toilets.

File this one under "the things we do for love."

Daddy & me.

Daddy & me.
Originally uploaded by Homestead.

Just because you haven't had a shot of the sweetness that is my family lately.

How lucky am I to have two such wonderful guys in my life?

And, yes, that is a batman cape he's wearing.

Road Rage

The topic is Road Rage.

Here’s the deal, people. The left-hand lane? That is for passing. Passing. Here in Montana it is called the passing lane. (One other note: We have interstates, not freeways.) It is not the I’m-going-4-miles-over-the-speed-limit-so-I’ll-drive-over-here lane. Passing. You pass a vehicle and then you get the hell back over by the ditch (or barrow pit… depending.) There is no such thing as a “fast” and “slow” lane. This is Montana. It’s a big damn state. You better be going fast if you are going to get anywhere.

In this state we take our speed seriously. (Wow, that statement could be misconstrued…. Maybe I’ll post about our meth problem next….) “Montana: The Land of the $5 Speeding Ticket” became “Montana: The Land of Prudent and Reasonable” and then the state lawmakers caved to federal pressure (and the need for federal highway funds) and enacted a speed limit. I will admit it has been many years since I’ve been nailed for speeding….. but I hear tickets are between $40-100 depending on the zone and the speed.

I’ve always maintained there should be a numeric speed limit but only for out-of-staters. During the heyday of “prudent and reasonable” many non-residents splattered themselves all over Montana’s scenic highways. There may not have been a numeric speed limit but the laws of physics still apply.

Oh, and another road rage…. (Sorry, I’m just so ANGRY today?!?!) Be nice to people with horse trailers please. They can’t stop very fast (it is hard on the horses) and they are often driving a stick-shift so they roll backwards when they take off uphill. And that cute little girl you just yelled at for making a big wide turn…. That’s my sister. And she’ll kick your ass.

PMS

I’m getting myself psyched up to sort fall toddler clothes and load the Dyson (It is THAT good, people) into the car so I can drag it & Sweet Boy to town to vacuum the rental-soon-to-be-for-sale house…. So I’m surfing a bit and via Misfit’s site I discover.

SHE HAD THE BABY.

Why didn’t anyone tell me?

She named him PMS Federline. The 10-year-old boy in me is giggling already.

This baby naming business is serious. We are planning (I love it when people say the word “plan” in the same breath with anything involving children…. Especial pregnancy…. It’s like the ultimate oxymoron.) to have another kid and, while we are fairly sure we know what we will name it, I like to toss out baby names once in a while just to see Hot Stuff give me The Look.

Oh, and just so you know… Wartner has been rejected.

I have a confession...

Hello. My name is Homestead. I have a confession to make.

I read "What to Expect When You are Expecting" and just last week I threw away the ground flax seed in the door of my fridge.... ya'll know what I'm talking about....

I also got rid of the candied ginger & gingerbeer I bought to ward off the morning sickness I never had.

Oh, and while I was pregnant I ate hot dogs, deli meat & even a can of tuna.

I drank decaf.... but sometimes I didn't... if you know what I mean.

I had half a glass of wine... more than once.

I got a flu shot during my first trimester.

I went on a cream-based diet during my pregnancy. Indeed, a trip to Charleston, SC was my undoing.... she-crab soup and cheesy grits every day.

I sat in hot tubs.

I never wore maternity underpanties.

I rode horses during my first trimester, skied & fly-fished during my second trimester and fought a wildfire during my third trimester.

And that's just the pregnancy... wait until I tell you all the things I've done to the poor kid since then!

What to Expect When You Ask Your Friends for Advice

In response to Susan's post about That One Pregnancy Book I provide you with links to all of MY stellar pregnancy & parenting advice. I'm actually planning a beautiful, touching, inspired post that will be an open letter to a friend who is having her first baby.... but I'm not there yet.

AND

Today is my birthday.... more about that later....

My Husband Says...

Boobcycle Review I

Boobcycle Review II

Baby Socks

Car Seats

Puny Gallbladders

The Story of Babies

Just because I can....

I'm going to post this for your reading pleasure. My apologies for the lack of formating... I did the old cut-n-paste and I don't have time to clean it up right now. This email was passed on to me by the mayor of the largest town in Montana (Billings) with a request to pass it along to college students and youth. Well, the readership here at the Homestead tends to not fit that criteria but I'll let you read it and see what you have to say....

What Are Moral Values?
by Rev. Dr. Robin Meyers
Mayflower Church, Oklahoma City

As some of you know, I am minister of Mayflower Congregational Churchin Oklahoma City, a church in northwest Oklahoma City, and professor ofRhetoric at Oklahoma City University. But you would most likely have encountered me on the pages of the Oklahoma Gazette, where I have been a columnist for six years, and hold the record for the most number of angry letters to the editor. Tonight, I join ranks of those who are angry, because I have watched as the faith I love has been taken over by those who claim to speak forJesus, but whose actions are anything but Christian.
We've heard a lot lately about so-called "moral values" as havingswung the election to President Bush. Well, I'm a great believer inmoral values, but we need to have a discussion, all over this country,about exactly what constitutes a moral value -- I mean what are wetalking about? Because we don't get to make them up as we go along,especially not if we are people of faith. We have an inheritedtradition of what is right and wrong, and moral is as moral does. Letme give you just a few of the reasons why I take issue with those inpower who claim moral values are on their side: When you start a war on false pretenses, and then act as if yourdeceptions are justified because you are doing God's will, and thatyour critics are either unpatriotic or lacking in faith, there are someof us who have given our lives to teaching and preaching the faith whobelieve that this is not only not moral, but immoral. When you live in a country that has established international rules forwaging a just war, build the United Nations on your own soil toenforce them, and then arrogantly break the very rules you set down forthe rest of the world, you are doing something immoral.When you claim that Jesus is the Lord of your life, and yet fail toacknowledge that your policies ignore his essential teaching, or turnthem on their head (you know, Sermon on the Mount, stuff like wemust never return violence for violence and those who live by thesword will die by the sword), you are doing something immoral.When you act as if the lives of Iraqi civilians are not as important asthe lives of American soldiers, and refuse to even count them, you aredoing something immoral. When you find a way to avoid combat in Vietnam, and then question thepatriotism of someone who volunteered to fight, and came home a hero,you are doing something immoral. When you ignore the fundamental teachings of the gospel, which saysthat the way the strong treat the weak is the ultimate ethical test,by giving tax breaks to the wealthiest among us so the strong will getstronger and the weak will get weaker, you are doing somethingimmoral. When you wink at the torture of prisoners, and deprive so-called "enemycombatants" of the rules of the Geneva Conventions, which your owncountry helped to establish and insists that other countries follow,you are doing something immoral. When you claim that the world can be divided up into the good guys andthe evil doers, slice up your own nation into those who are with you,or with the terrorists -- and then launch a war which enriches your ownfriends and seizes control of the oil to which we are addicted, insteadof helping us to kick the habit, you are doing something immoral. When you fail to veto a single spending bill, but ask us to pay for awar with no exit strategy and no end in sight, creating an enormousdeficit that hangs like a great m illstone around the necks of ourchildren, you are doing something immoral. When you cause most of the rest of the world to hate a country that wasonce the most loved country in the world, and act like it doesn'tmatter what others think of us, only what God thinks of you, you havedone something immoral. When you use hatred of homosexuals as a wedge issue to turn out recordnumbers of evangelical voters, and use the Constitution as a tool ofdiscrimination, you are doing something immoral. When you favor the death penalty, and yet claim to be a follower ofJesus, who said an eye for an eye was the old way, not the way of thekingdom, you are doing something immoral. When you dismantle countless environmental laws designed to protectthe earth which is God's gift to us all, so that the corporations thatbought you and paid for your favors will make higher profits while ourchildren breathe dirty air and live in a toxic world, you have donesomething immoral. The Earth belongs to the Lord, not Halliburton.When you claim that our God is bigger than their God, and that ourkilling is righteous, while theirs is evil, we have begun to resemblethe enemy we claim to be fighting, and that is immoral. We have met theenemy, and the enemy is us. When you tell people that you intend to run and govern as a"compassionate conservative," using the word which is the essence ofall religious faith -- compassion, and then show no compassion foranyone who disagrees with you, and no patience with those who cry toyou for help, you are doing something immoral. When you talk about Jesus constantly, who was a healer of the sick, butdo not hing to make sure that anyone who is sick can go to see adoctor, even if she doesn't have a penny in her pocket, you are doingsomething immoral. When you put judges on the bench who are racist, and will set womenback a hundred years, and when you surround yourself with preacherswho say gays ought to be killed, you are doing something immoral. I'm tired of people thinking that because I'm a Christian, I must be asupporter of President Bush, or that because I favor civil rights andgay rights I must not be a person of faith.

I'm tired of people saying that I can't support the troops but oppose the war. I heard that when I was your age, when the Vietnam war was raging. Weknew that that war was wrong, and you know that this war is wrong --the only question is how many people are going to die before thesemake-believe Christians are removed from power? This country is bankrupt. The war is morally bankrupt. The claim of this
administration to be Christian is bankrupt. And the only people whocan turn things around are people like you--young people who are justbeginning to wake up to what is happening to them.It's your country totake back. It's your faith to take back. It's your future to takeback.Don't be afraid to speak out. Don't back down when your friends beginto tell you that the cause is righteous and that the flag should bewrapped around the cross, while the rest of us keep our mouths shut.Real Christians take chances for peace. So do real Jews, and realMuslims, and real Hindus, and real Buddhists--so do all the faithtraditions of the world at their heart believe one thing: life isprecious. Every human being is precious.Arrogance is the opposite of faith. Greed is the opposite of charity.And believing that one has never made a mistake is the mark of adeluded man, not a man of faith. And war -- war is the greatest failureof the human race -- and thus the grea test failure of faith.
There's an old rock and roll song, whose lyrics say it all: War, whatis it good for? Absolutely nothing! And what is the dream of theprophets? That we should study war no more, that we should beat ourswords into plowshares and our spears into pruning hooks. Who wouldJesus bomb, indeed? How many wars does it take to know that too many people have died? Whatif they gave a war and nobody came? Maybe one day we will find out.
Time to march again, my friends. Time to commit acts of civildisobedience, time to sing, and to pray, and refuse to participate inthe madness.

Slaughter Rule

You know my husband is a movie star, right? He was in the movie Slaughter Rule. Well, ok, he was the guy running the scoreboard for one of the scenes… but if you watch close you can see him. Running the scoreboard was one of his many jobs when he taught at a small class C school. (I’m pretty sure saying “small” and “Class C” is redundant… buy you know what I mean.) The high school has around 40 kids in grades 9-12… no, not 40 per class.... I mean in the whole high school.

Slaughter Rule is an indie film. The name comes from a (former) rule in 6-man football. When a team is up by 45 points the slaughter rule kicks in and the clock no longer stops. As in “you are getting slaughtered so we are going to speed things up here.” See, who said this wasn’t an educational site?

Hot Stuff taught English, literature & the occasional history class. He also mentored some independent study classes. He put on the school play one year. (That is so insane I can’t even begin to explain it…) We chaperoned the prom. We reminded the kids about curfew when we were all at the bar. (Ok… that sentence demands explanation…. There is nowhere for kids to hang out in a small town. So the kids all came to the local bar to eat chicken strips and play pool. It actually worked out pretty well because on any given night at least one teacher and several parents were having dinner at the bar and could keep an eye on things.) Hot Stuff was the athletic director and a class advisor. Being athletic director involved scheduling all the games and referees for all the sports. It meant arriving at the gym several hours before any event. He made sure things were set up and the checks were cut for the officials. (Hhmm…. That sounds a little skeevy… what I mean is he made sure the referees were paid… properly.) He ran the scoreboard for football games. I can’t tell you the number of hours we spent in the gym. Basketball, football, volleyball, track. I was often pressed into service to collect tickets, take water to referees at half time, unlock changing areas for cheerleaders & supervise the half time pop-shot. Juniors run the concession stand to make money to finance things like the prom and Junior-Senior Banquet. So the year his “kids” were juniors I spent many hours in the concession stand…. Battling the vintage popcorn machine and selling Junior Mints. I was so glad to see those kids become seniors. I was walking to the first home football game that season and I hear all the junior moms in the concession stand hollering. I’m thinking, “What school spirit. What pride.” Then I realize they are yelling…. My name. They’ve spotted me. And they KNOW I know how to run the popcorn machine. Darn.

There are many times I miss living in a tiny town. We had to drive across a creek to get to our little rented trailer…. Which was in the middle of town… and we could cut across a little foot bridge and be at the bar in about 3 minutes. Small towns have that nosy aspect. You know. You can’t fart without everyone in town knowing what you had for dinner…. That part. But there is something comforting in knowing people are watching your back even if they might be talking behind it too.

If nothing else it is a comfort to know you can be at a bar in 3 minutes… walking…. Yup, I miss small town living sometimes…..

No, Really. My taste is that bad.

I just want to state, for the record, I ALWAYS pick bad movies. I could pick a top-rated title and it would turn out to be a bomb... simply because I picked it. I have powers like that.

I'd love to give you an example if I could think of any.... Truly. They Suck. Truly. I’m struggling to remember a GOOD one I picked by myself. Sideways. I picked Sideways. It was good. Not as good as it was hyped to be. But it was good. Usually I have to stick to animated stuff… it is hard to go wrong with animated stuff.

He picked Lemony Snickett and it was quite adorable.

Other movies we’ve seen lately: Catwoman, Ocean’s 12, Million Dollar Baby, How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days…. Nothing too challenging although I want to see Crash and Hotel Rwanda but those are for a serious movie night… not one of those drink-wine-and-fold-laundry movie nights.

Considering we only get NBC & WB on our tv you would think we’d watch more movies…. But I can barely think of any I want to see. Anybody seen anything good lately?

Say huh?

We are sitting at the video store. Sweet Boy is passed out cold in the car seat and we are deciding who will go in and get a movie.

Hot Stuff says, “When you pick out movies…. It’s like a big pile of elephant dump in the middle of the living room.”

He picked the flick.

Hot and Dirty

Hot, Hot, Hot
Originally uploaded by Homestead.

The one in the middle? Yeah, I'm married to him. And what, you ask, is he doing? Back-burning with a drip torch. Burns off an area so when the fire gets to it there is no fuel. That is so sexy. Rrrowr... I love that man.

Do you think.....

Do you think it is odd to let the grocery store checker bag the candy but ask her to leave out the loaf of French bread?? Yup, guess what Sweet Boy & I had for dinner last night.

Housekeeping.

I’m really not in the mood to write anything witty or eloquent (stop it, stop laughing right now) and the situation in the world just kinda has me down. I just can’t stop wondering what I would do in that situation…. So, until I get it back together, you just get random posts about comments from other posts….. might not be fun for you but it cracks me up….

Ok, the party has been postponed until the penguin movie comes out on dvd and mrtl has the baby so she can have a cocktail.

And, for the record, I did not actually suggest mrtl swath herself head-to-toe in paisley but I did offer her my dark red paisley sheets to make a toga. She graciously declined.

Yes, LadyBug, creek is pronounced “crick” in these parts and if anyone feels like arguing that point I direct you to my friend, Mr. Webster…. The dictionary.

Also, I would talk about peas and foreplay but, 1. Hot Stuff hates peas and, 2. My brother threatened to boycott my site if I didn’t “stop it already” with the X-rated stuff.

And, Mrow-Mrow, well, how many ways COULD you pronounce that? The cat does actually have a name… it is Pudge or Pudgito… but Mrow-Mrow is more fun to say.

I’ve also learned it is entirely possible I MADE UP that part about Britney having twins….. and I’m still holding out for the name Wartner but my friend, Lala, says she wants to name it Hewie.

Oh, and this is a bear bell. (Except ours is bright orange.)

Oh, let’s just talk about margaritas….

I seem to have put myself on mrtl’s “list” by posting comments about donuts. She called me a bitch (but in that nice way)… and, yet, I post comments recommending she wear head-to-toe paisley on her pregnant self and I get…. Nothing. Obviously, it is she, and not I, that has mixed priorities here.

And she sent me a lovely book of margaritas as a prize for paisley. And I thank her for that. And so I invite her and all of you to my house for drinks. We will use the fancy margarita glasses and the little stem markers my sister got me from Margaritaville.

You are Invited.

What: A party for the socially-awkward, misfits, rejects, and anyone who has, in general, ever felt uncomfortable in their skin. Or, having figured out how to be comfortable in their own skin, has felt the need to project some other image in order to somehow “fit in” in a particular situation. Oh, and for all of those who reject all those labels too.

Where: My house. We will be partying on the veranda…..and the front porch, driveway and horse-shoe pit…. All the way down to the creek.

When: All day, every day…. But if you stay more than 3 days you have to help me clean the barn.

What to bring: Dip. Lots and lots of dip. Pets, children & spouses are welcome.

What to leave home: Grouchy spouses and your uncomfortable shoes.

Possible topics for discussion:
That new penguin movie.
English novels.
Smackdown: Barney vs. Clifford.
Truly great undergarments.
Sex.
Real Childcare.
The properties of the perfect coffee cup.
Cute plant markers (and why can’t I think of any ideas to make some).
Donuts.
Why my bathroom is purple.

Other things I have done that make ya’ll shake your heads….

….besides just finding out Britney Spears is having babies. (And I still hope she names one of them Wartner.)

I’ll keep the list short(er) by limiting it to this week…

1. Got lost looking for m&co. She’s here. (But got offers of martinis…so that’s good, right?)
2. Challenged LadyBug to use frozen peas in foreplay. (What? What?)
3. Seriously considered making a mitten out of the mouse Mrow-Mrow left on the porch. (It was that big people.)
4. Wore paisley. Ok, I didn’t really.
5. Attached a bear bell to my son so he can’t sneak away from me in the yard.
6. Drank wine from a bottle with a screw top. (Wishing Tree)
7. Left a dirty diaper in my sister’s sweatshirt pocket.
8. Used a labeler to make a naughty message and put it under Hot Stuff’s pillow.

Moms everywhere.

I just found out Brittney Spears is going to have a baby!!!! Twins even!

Survivor

Survival tip of the day: If you are using iodine tablets to purify water, lemon-lime Gatorade covers the taste the best.

Sonata

My brother's best friend died this week.

Yin & Yang

On the way to work this morning I saw three little bambi babies playing with their mommas.

On NPR I heard a guy on a Montana call-in show actually say we should bill the people of New Orleans who didn't evacuate. Yes, bill them for their rescue because they should have evacuated. Um, how? Ok, wait, I need to take a deep cleansing breath and just NOT GO THERE.

There is is people. The yin and yang of living here. How do you keep the balance?

The Time Has Come...

... The Walrus Said.....

Time to turn on word verification.

I thought I was getting some "don't treat your child like a dog" comments and I was getting all ready to rock-em-sock-em robot and maybe drop the f-bomb a couple of times.... but no.... nothing but love, support and a few ads for Hurricane Katrina bloggers and weight loss.

Weight loss?!?! Well, there's the hate I was looking for.....

Next thing you know... I'll be using Flea Shampoo on him....

I loved all the harness comments. I’ve really been thinking about it and here is what I’ve come up with…

1. Yes, of course, it is about Sweet Boy’s safety. But it isn’t ALL about his safety. It is also about convenience for me. I admit it. I hate fighting with him to stay in the stroller when he really wants to stand behind the stroller and push it. I’d rather let him push the stroller but know he is connected to me in case he starts to wander away.

2. Sweet Boy doesn’t like to hold hands in public places. (Just like a man, I know.) He views hand-holding as an excellent reason to throw himself towards the earth. Call it an experiment in physics and gravity. Very educational, yes, but it might be difficult to explain the dislocated shoulder (really, he throws himself at the ground so dramatically) to the ER attending as a science project. And, again with the selfish mommy thing…. I’m tall. He’s short. Trying to hold his hand for long periods of time is uncomfortable for both of us.

3. I don’t buy the whole “it is demeaning to treat your child like a dog” theory. For one thing, my dog is treated like royalty. He has nicer toys, better treats and fancier shampoo than any other member of the family. Issues of manners, control and restraint are for his safety and happiness…. I’m ok with applying that theory to my child too.

4. And if you really want to make that point…. Criticize me when my child is eating dog food, chasing cats & playing in the dog waterer.

5. Note that he responds to the commands sit, stay and foot, please.

6. Am I ready to handle the stares, comments and criticisms of perfect strangers? Back to dog analogies…this is a long one….. when Gunnar was a young dog I lived in Boulder, Colorado. (PC capitol of the world) Gunnar is half Jack Russell terrier which means he has a strong neck designed for shaking rats to death. This means taking him on a leash and expecting him to be responsive to normal “collar rules” is unreasonable so I bought a “haltee” dog halter. It looks kinda like a tiny horse halter and works by tipping the dog’s nose down when you pull on it rather than by trying to restrain them from the neck. Neat. Works like a charm. No more sore arms from sawing on Gunnar’s neck trying to get him to heel. No more listening to him make choking, wheezing sounds while he tries to drag me along. (The dog thought I was the slowest human on earth and that he was doing me a favor by dragging me places.) The haltee has some other unintended but interesting results…. People wouldn’t let children come up to my dog because they thought it was a muzzle. Anyone who criticized me for muzzling my dog or for taking a dog who required a muzzle to a public place was told that, indeed, the dog could still bite them…. Get a little closer and test the theory out. It didn’t really bother me because I think people should in general assume a strange dog will bite their child and proceed accordingly. I was more than happy to explain the contraption was actually very humane to anyone who seemed genuinely concerned for Gunnar’s welfare. I can’t count the number of times I had to show concerned but unobservant individuals that, yes, the dog can actually pant & drink while wearing the haltee. Just another example of how being a dog owner prepared me for parenthood.

7. I hate to brag (oh, you know I’m lying…) but the kid is advanced…..well, he’s physically advanced. The prehensile lizard brain…the one that has all the preservation instincts…. It isn’t so well developed. He loves to run. Playing “chase” is a fun game and Sweet Boy doesn’t understand the concept of “dangerous” places yet and, honestly, I’m in no rush for him to learn that lesson.

8. It doubles as a backpack. That means he can carry his own snacks & sippy cup & sunscreen stick. How cool is that?? I promise right now to not let it become my purse…. I vow I will not put my wallet, lip gloss or sunglasses in Sweet Boy’s backpack.

9. I’ve really been thinking about appropriate situations for child restraint. I don’t plan on tethering him to the clothes line any time soon… although radiator installation plans are in the works so I will have something to chain him too when he is a teenager. I don’t think a leash is a replacement for proper supervision… but I do think it might work out the next time we are in a large crowded place.

10. Hello?!?! Where's the hate? Surely someone has something negative to say? Come on. Bring it. I need to hear the criticism as well as the support. Although, of course, if you present the criticism in a nasty manner I promise to be nasty right back.... it will be fun.

Mother of the Year again....

Do you think it means I'm a bad parent if I'm considering getting a leash (disguised as a puppy dog backpack) for my child?

For Greenie....

Greenie- (I was going to post this last week and then I didn't because I didn't want to sound like a know-it-all-wanna-be but then I realized I sound like that all the time anyway so why not?)

Ok, these are some thoughts for Greenthumb. He has a great blog, great pictures and great eyebrows. Check him out.

Greenie is so thoughtful and sweet and sincere that just reading his blog makes you want to do things to help him… so for fear of being called an assvicist, here goes….

Nick’s back pain: I can offer some empathy & sympathy. I have two metal rods in my upper back and I used to have migraines and back pain all the time. Then I discovered Dr. Nick Soloway (da-da-da… that’s fanfare playing in the background). He does a combination of acupuncture, chiro & deep tissue work. I hate to sound cultish, but he’s a fraggin’ miracle worker. You need him. Or someone like him.


Valley Farms does a thing that combines coffee and gardening. They teach classes on Saturday mornings and offer Morning Light coffee and cookies. Sweet Boy loves their ginger snaps.

And State Nursery (or High Country Growers?) might be for sale again here in Helena. You could buy it and move here and I will buy all my plants from you. Yeah. Good idea.

And a career in photography & writing. Consider checking out the Washington Art’s Council website. Artist professional development and marketing are hot topics nationally right now.

Because Susan said too....

From Susan

Number of books I have owned: Eleventy-million.

Last book I bought: Who Pooped in the Park? Really. Truly. A great book if you have a little woodsbaby like mine…. Or if you are just looking for an easy way to offend the delicate sensibilities of the local ladies’ auxiliary.

Last book I completed: Ok, I confess…. I get the Dear Reader emails and, lately, that’s how I’ve been deciding what to read…. So the last thing I read was THE MOLD IN DR. FLOREY'S COAT by Eric Lax.

Five books that mean a lot to me:
Old Turtle
Wilderness Medical Guide
The Long Dark Teatime of the Soul
A Wrinkle in Time
Tales from Margaritaville

I am so shallow. I will now crawl back under my redneck rock and not reimerge until I have read something with great depth and meaning to better myself and others. Amen.

Lava & Other Hot Things

Truly.... nothing gets off ground-in soot like Lava....and Hot Stuff will actually have a "fire tan" of soot on his legs between his socks and his panties (ok, he will get even with me for calling them "panties" and for the record he usually wears those cutie-pie boxer-briefs).

And can I add how fraggin' sexy those piercing icy-green eyes are in a soot-covered face? Rugged, gorgeous man in fire pants & big black boots. ROWR.

How many women do you know that get turned on by a man who smells & tastes like a bbq potato chip?

I smell a campfire and my panties start gettin' wet... I swear.

Kittens and condiments

Oops. Look like I already posted the pickled kitten story.... you people really should be reading my archives... there's some funny shit in there.

I'm a Pink Toothbrush...*

We’ve been having a few hygiene issues at our house…. Now wait a minute, don’t get ahead of me here…. This is not about the bar of Lava soap in our shower (don’t ask…it’s a firefighter thing). It is about our toothbrushes… specifically, my new dark purple toothbrush.

My new dark purple toothbrush that my husband can’t tell apart from his blue toothbrush.

Now, it wouldn’t bother me except every time I walk into the bathroom when he is brushing he immediately looks panicked and quickly puts whichever toothbrush he is using back in the holder…. I’m worried I’m stunting his oral hygiene.

This chapter is titled “Living with a Colorblind Spouse” and can be found in my new book called If this is Normal, Bring on the Crazy.

*Recognize the title? Were you a child of the 1970's who grew up listening to Smurf records? Yup, that's vintage Smurfing Sing Song.

Update on the shooting thing.

Ok. I was being a little dramatic. The guy wasn’t shooting directly at them but they didn’t know that at the time. According to Hot Stuff, it was just like in the movies… duck and cover and running crouched over from cover spot to cover spot.

Hubby seems to be fine (I checked him carefully) and I’m not suffering PTSD in any measurable form….. although he did wake me up last night because I was sleeping on top of him and I had a dream about being trapped in a fun house and I couldn’t get to him or Sweet Boy.

And truly, the thing about highway patrol and wildland firefighters for the state of Montana was not a typo… they don’t get hazard pay. Even though highway patrol officers are often in VERY sketchy situations and firefighters deal with meth labs (exploding and/or the hostile and paranoid manufacturers) and burnt dead tree snags (they don’t call them widowmakers for nothin’) and well, the possibility of being burnt of course. But whatcha gonna do? Just like many professions, most people outside of the industry have no idea what is involved.

Oh, and I was very disappointed when I blingoed “fucking Governor Brian Schweitzer” and my blog wasn’t there….. I wonder what “pickled kittens” will get me…. (I promise that story is coming… if I can get the PETA people to stop calling me….)

Hazard Fucking Pay

Subtitle: My husband got shot at this weekend and it wasn’t by me….

Do you know the movie Clerks? When the guy keeps saying, “But I wasn’t even supposed to work today….” That was Sunday.

I got a phone call around 8:45 pm from my sister. She said, “Don’t worry. Your husband is fine.” I expected her to finish with, “But he went to the bar with the boys…” or something like that…. Instead I hear, “No one was injured in the shooting.”

What the Fuck?

Now would someone please tell fucking Governor Brian Schweitzer* that our state wildland firefighters (and highway patrol… the fraggin’ highway patrol doesn’t get hazard pay….) should have hazard pay.

*I apologize to anyone who was googling “fucking Governor Brian Schweitzer” for personal reasons… you are a sick fuck, but welcome to my blog anyway…..

Yellow.

Lala emailed me yesterday to tell me today is Yellow Day for kindergarten so I quickly emailed her back with a list of possible items Big could take to demonstrate yellow.....

bananas.
sunshine.
jaundice.
post-it notes.
pencils.
m&m's. (I volunteer to eat the reject colors.)
yellow-bellied cowards.
lemon jello jigglers. (mmm. with vodka....)
lemonade.
sunflowers.
daisy middles.
dog pee.
lemon meringue pie.
lemon sorbet.
lemon-scent pledge bottles. (are they really yellow?)
soft-scrub with lemon lids.
smiley faces.
Hershey's syrup lids.
butter.

She said I will be an excellent kindergarten mom. So there.

Antiques

So, I was cleaning my fridge today.... and I realized something... it has METAL drawers.... do you know what that means? That's right. Vintage.

So then I was sweeping the laundry room and I looked at the energy efficiency tag on the hot water heater..... they estimated it assuming propane cost less than 75 cents a gallon. Propane is now close to $1.40/gal. Again... vintage.

Sigh.

Addendum

Add to the budget a line item for this.... the new line of brassieres by Apple.

Budget.

Sigh. Big, heavy, drawn-out sigh. Sigh.

I have a plan. Total World Domination in 30 hours a week. Good plan, huh? I want to cut my 40 hours a week back to 30 hours a week…. And still afford the little things like food and fuel and toilet bowl cleaner and stuff.

I could say I want my son to go to daycare to develop social skills. He is learning how to interact with other kids. He is learning to take instructions from adults other than his parents. It is good for his immune system to be exposed to all those other little germs. I could tell you a million reasons (besides needing to get paid to buy toilet paper) for putting my son in daycare. Noble reasons. Reasons that justify that “I just left my favorite pony tied to the front door of the glue factor” sinking feeling I have when I leave him. And, for the most part, I believe some of those reasons.

But the reality? I won’t kid you….. I don’t have the patience or strength of character to be a full-time stay-at-home mom. I rely entirely too much on my daycare lady (DCL). She rocks. She tells me how much applesauce makes up a serving of fruit. She knows all the rules about nutrition and child care and discipline and she knows when to bend them. She has ideas and suggestions when I need them. She tells me my child is brilliant and a delight to be around (really, she says that, really….). She doesn’t care if I (or any member of my immediate extended family) drop in unannounced. She reads to Sweet Boy. She pushes him on the swing and takes him for walks and lets him help her feed the chickens. Her house is really clean. The playroom is orderly and the kids practice their “nice manners” while they eat lunch. Her husband is nice. I’ve met her kids and they are intelligent and well-adjusted and that makes me feel good. She feeds Sweet Boy breakfast and lunch and snacks. A lot of the food he eats comes from her garden. She washes his pacifiers in the dishwasher and when he blows out an outfit she washes it for me…. And gets the stains out. All I do is provide diapers and wipes and an occasional bottle of sunscreen.

Oh, but wait…. I’m got off on a little tangent bragging about how great my DCL is…. Sorry. Back to the money whining. (Gosh, that does seem to be a lot of what I blog about… alternating between bragging & whining… interesting.)

So I would like to change my schedule to 3 days in the office per week and a small amount of telecommuting to get my total hours worked to 30. I think, from a work standpoint, it can be done. The tricky part is making it work with our budget. Things are slim around here. I’ve been working on it and playing around with the numbers this week. Of course, the only conclusion I came too was that I need to buy Quicken to manage my money-management. Any brilliant suggestions? Anyone have a money tree growing in their backyard and want to send me a branch? Please don’t suggest I get involved in a pyramid scheme or find a sugar daddy…. Those ideas have already been considered and rejected…. (Although I’m still considering producing children for profit… I come from good stock and make cute babies… I bet I could do pretty well on the black market.)

All by Myself

All by Myself
Originally uploaded by Homestead.

Yes, this is my son at age 14 months. Yes, he did climb the fence by himself. Yes, he does have a giant bruise on his head. Yes, he is wearing a surfer-dude shirt. Any questions?

Fruit Dip

I'm in love with this dip.

1 (8 oz) pkg cream cheese
½ c sour cream
¼ c sugar
¼ c brown sugar
1-2 TBS maple syrup

Mix until smooth, chill & serve with fresh fruit.

Mojito

Oh, this recipe brings back good memories.....

Mojito recipe
(courtesy of Peter Held, former Executive Director, Holter Museum)

1.5 oz Barbenbourt Estate Reserve (15yr.) rum or any good white rum
1.5 oz white sugar or Gurapro (sugar cane juice)
fresh mint
mineral water, San Pellegrino is good water
fresh lime or lime juice to taste

Put sugar in glass, then crush 2 sprigs of fresh mint. Add rum, water, lime. Turn on salsa music and have some fun.

Rhubarb Slushy

Here's a recipe for all that random rhubarb you have....

Makes 1 gallon
From Cousin S

8 c rhubarb in ½” chunks
2 quarts water
2 ½ c lemon juice
3 c sugar
1 pkg strawberry jello (small)
4 c vodka

Cook rhubarb in water until soft and mushy (20 min). Put mush in strainer. Save juice. Throw away pulp. Mix in lemon juice, sugar, jello & vodka. Mix & freeze in gallon container. To serve, scoop into glasses and add approx ¼ can pop. (sprite, ginger ale, etc.)

Dwight & Lefty.

Sisters 3 2003
Originally uploaded by Homestead.

18 gears & an airhorn.... what could be more fun?

This. This is a Truck.

Driving Truck 2 2003
Originally uploaded by Homestead.

I missed harvest this year.... which makes me kinda sad and just a touch sentimental. This picture is from a few years back. It is hot. It is dusty. The combines are air-conditioned... the trucks are not. That header I am looking at out the window? It is worth more money than I am.... and we are moving.... and the combine driver is dumping wheat in my box. (ha-ha-ha... I just said, "in my box" on the internet.) This truck has a name. All good trucks have a name. This one is called, "The Purple Peter Beater." Why? Well, it was the purple people-beater until my mom made an unfortunate slip of the tongue. She's a rough-riding rig and the cab is directly over the engine which means you can pretty much bake cookies on the console. It runs normally at 300 degrees... I'm not kidding. It is so hot that the dog won't ride with me.... he goes and mooches a ride in the combine.

This set of pictures (what I could load before I hit my flickr limit) has some special meaning to me. See, I had just suffered a miscarriage.... a miscarriage following a long period of trying to get pregnant.... and I was feeling pretty raw. Spending long hours in that old truck staring out at a dusty landscape was soothing to me somehow. It helped heal me. Healing comes in many shapes and forms. Here's hoping that, if you need it, you find the healing you are looking for... and don't be afraid to look for it in strange places.....

Snack Time

Snack Time
Originally uploaded by Homestead.

This is the fancy rolling snack bar.

This morning I found Sweet Boy's baseball cap in it.

Yesterday morning it was my hair brush.

So, people, now I need suggestions for a new dog food container because I think this one is about to become the toy box.

For Colleen

For Colleen
Originally uploaded by Homestead.

This is for Clobber.... a picture of me in my new shirt in front of my shower curtain.

Hoary Marmot & other swear words….

I recently left a comment on another blogger’s site and used the word “fuck” oh, about eleventy-million times. Sorry LadyBug…. I was a bit worried and the potty-mouth starts spewing when I am stressed, worried or drinking. Some people crave a smoke when they drink… I crave cussing.

I try to rarely vocalize swear words for several reasons. I have a professional image to maintain. I find swearing is much more effective if you don’t do it too often. I have a small parrot-like child and I really don’t want him to be the only kid on the playground dropping the f-bomb.

But welcome to my brain. In my head there are swear words everywhere. Nouns, verbs, adjectives…. Creative swearing, beautiful cursing, explosive cussing. At any given moment the word “fuck” is emblazoned in glowing neon on the walls of my mind.

And I learned from the best. My dad can go on for over 5 minutes without repeating a word. We call them “mfcs-fits” because they almost always start with Mother-Fucker-Cock-Sucker and go on from there. It’s a cultural thing. It has to be. I should apply for a grant to study it as a form of folklore.

My brother does this scary, calm cursing thing. He has this rhythmic, melodious tone and he sounds like the horse-whisperer or something…. It is mesmerizing until you suddenly actually hear the words he is using…. slimy chicken fucker & finger-fuck a flying fish (nice alliteration) are some prime examples. It’s also impressive when he can work some non-swearing descriptive in and make is sound really naughty. Check the comments section… I’m sure he will have something to say.

He. Is. Still. Here.

I bitched and moaned about being a single mom for 14 days…. And then… He. Didn’t. Leave.

Nope.

Severity is too high locally so they didn’t send a crew to western Montana. But he is working until 8:00 most nights so I have plenty of time to get myself into trouble.

Last night I tried to talk myself into buying some expensive skin care products just so I could get the free bonus gift. I failed. But I did manage to leave my purse at the store and get all the way home before I realized it. That was fun. (But the beauty of living here? Not only was my purse still there…. The cash & credit cards were still in it.)

I love living here.

How big is ‘yer spread?

It’s a question you just don’t ask. People raised in a farm or ranch community… true farmers & ranchers…. never ask how many acres you own. Yet this weekend I was asked, not once but twice, how many acres we own. Five-and-a-half-thank-you-very-much. And, yes, we have creekside property. Geez.

I guess if I wanted to be a true brat I could talk about how many acres my family owns… if I had any idea what that number might be. Before you get too excited and start asking me for a low-interest loan or anything let’s all remember that land is some desolate-ass dessert in the middle on north-central Montana. Hot Stuff refers to it as “this god-forsaken fuckin’ frozen tundra” as in, “How many more miles across this god-forsaken fuckin’ frozen tundra do we have to drive to get to town?”

So, just to recap, to fit in around Redneckia… don’t ask how many acres and, for the love of it all, if you are talking to a farmer remember a truck is something you haul grain in and not a little Dodge (Ford, Chevy, Toyota) grocery-getter with a tailgate & chrome bumpers…. That’s a pickup.

Keep in Touch Update…

I posted this and no sooner but Mrs. R was on the phone inviting Sweet Boy & I to dinner…. Who says giving your friends your blog url is a bad thing?

And our receptionist scheduled the second annual sangria party at her house for August 20th so I will get to check that off the list too.

Sunday afternoon I loaded Sweet Boy into the wheelie-stroller and marched down the hill to the newest neighbor’s house. As luck would have it… they were home.

People, I think my new neighbor might be a Stepford Wife. At minimum, she’s a pod person.

Picture this: She’s wearing a pink t-shirt with sequins & rhinestones on it tucked into her “we belong to a country club” skort. (Tucked in. On a Sunday afternoon.) Her hair is fixed in big wavy curls & she has on pink glitter eyeshadow & full face-paint. (I swear, I think she was wearing high-heeled mules…. But that might have been my imagination.) She’s slim & very attractive and she is making cookies. She home-schools their four children and her husband (he was wearing deck shoes & pleated khaki shorts…. And I am NOT making that up….) is a “mental health professional” and just moved to a new, bigger office in town. Yes, he’s going to have a good time analyzing us, isn’t he? While I was there he lit a fire in the woodstove to burn garbage. (Do I need to note how odd this is?? It’s August. He’s burning junk mail. What?)

It was just a touch surreal. Just a touch. Hell. Our number is in the phone book and our name is on the mail box…. She could just call at any time. I can only hope she doesn’t invite me over for a Tupperware party… or a homeschool supply party…. Or a sex toy party… oh, well, she could invite me over for a sex toy party…. I’d go to that.

Keep in touch….

People, do you know what I love about you? I can neglect you and you still love me. I can treat you in ways I could never treat people in “real life” and I can get away with it… I can keep secrets from you. I can carefully reveal things that only portray me in a certain light…. and, still, you love me.

I’m making a list.

Surprise. Surprise. Surprise.

I need to maintain a few relationships in real life and, well, it is a painful thing for me…. Not that I don’t LIKE any of these people… trust me, I edited the people I don’t like out of my life a long time ago…. But relationships are so much WORK. I don’t like calling people… I don’t mind talking on the phone… it is the act of picking up the phone and dialing that gives me pit-prickles and a stomach ache. (And it is genetic… my mom is the same way.) So you can imagine what actually making plans to meet up with someone does to me….

1. I really need to meet the new neighbors… they moved in months ago. I made chocolate chip cookies last night. I vow to take some over to them today and introduce myself…. After I shower. I’ve been watching them (sometimes with my binoculars…) and I think if I time it right I can do it when they aren’t home… leave the cookies & a note and run.
2. Worker Bees. I will invite “the gals” from work out for an after work glass of wine later this month. This one is pretty low-stress. They don’t care if my floors are clean… they just want to see my son & help me plan my flower beds. I love them.
3. Mrs. R. Mrs. R is my friend from high school. She married a guy who also went to school with us & they have a cutie little girl a few months younger than Sweet Boy. She understands. We email at work on a regular basis and always make plans to get together that fall through… it doesn’t matter… she’s still there and I know I can rely on her if I need her. These are the kind of low pressure relationships I can cope with. Maybe we will plan coffee this afternoon or swimming later this week….. or next week.
4. Mrs. L. Mrs. L was my good friend back in the early-Helena days when we were both pre-husband & children. We lost touch. Every time we see each other we have fun but neither one of us really makes an effort.
5. Lala. Lala is, truly, probably my bestest friend… too bad she lives, like, 1800 miles away. I am making plane reservations THIS WEEK to go see her in October. Do you hear me, woman? THIS WEEK. Stop with the threatening emails already…. I WILL MAKE THE RESERVATIONS THIS WEEK.
6. My mom, my sis, my mother-in-law. All, thankfully, low-key and easy to be around. Sometimes it seems odd to me that my closest pals also happen to be my family…. Either really scary or really lucky… depending on the day. Not to say that any one of them either singly or in combination isn’t perfectly capable of driving me completely freakin’ insane…. but not usually.
7. All those fire wives. I really like a few of the fire wives… but it is hard to be friends with them…. Marriage to a fire guy ain’t easy and, well, to be blunt… a lot of the relationships just don’t make it…. So why bother?

There. I feel better. I’ve made sure no one expects much from me and isn’t it easier to please people when they have really low expectations to start with?

‘Cause, well, you know…. Christmas IS coming….

Have I mentioned I’m a compulsive list maker? I am making Sweet Boy’s Christmas list…. It is August. Oh well. He wants to check out Thomas the Train on dvd…. The kid has no cartoon dvd’s and I refuse to start him out with Bohbah or whatever those warty uncircumcised penises that come in a staggering array of neonish colors are called. A penis with eyes…. Ew and double-ew…. That is what nightmares are made of….

Ok, so beyond Thomas he really needs some sort of tub toy organizer… something.

He might need snowboots… but there might be a pair in the hand-me-downs “size 2” tubs… I guess I do have until, oh, NOVEMBER or so to figure that out.

Geez, beyond that all he really needs is a bigger drawer to stash items hidden in travel mugs….. I worry…. The kid isn’t much on playing with toys. He loves his rocking wooden moose & that fraggin’ make-me-insane Elmo guitar but other than that he would rather be banging on stuff with a wooden spoon or stacking measuring cups…. Is that normal?

14 days as a single mom

I’m independent. I’ve mentioned this, right? Well, ok, I pretend like I’m independent. In truth, I rely very heavily on my partnership. Yes, I bitch when I leave him a list of TWO things to do ALL DAY (clean the sink & wash the sheets) and he wipes the sink with soap & water but doesn’t use softscrub to get the coffee stains out and he washes the sheets but doesn’t make the bed. Really, the list of things I do to make him crazy is much, much longer. Someday I will make that list but it is embarrassing to admit just how often I fail to close the garage door or how many times I’ve left candles burning unattended.

So last night he gets the “14 Day Dispatch” call.

What does this mean?

Wildland firefighters often go “off area” to other places with severe fires. Hot Stuff has been to Colorado, Florida, California, and Arizona in the last few years. This dispatch is to western Montana so at least he won’t have to fly commercially to get there.

The beauty of the 14-day dispatch is the timing. Pack-yer-shit-yer-leaving-in-2-hours-or-2-days….. This, people, is why the Homestead Household MUST keep up with the laundry…. Gotta dispatch those fire boys with clean panties.

This is the first off-area dispatch he’s accepted since Sweet Boy was born.

I’m filled with excitement, anticipation and dread. I will miss him terribly and being a single-mom is not something I am very good at doing. I will be late for work every day and I dread dragging Sweet Boy with me to every little detail of my day…. Like showering & taking out the garbage. I don’t sleep well without Hot Stuff and I get lonely with no one to talk too but the dog.

So, I try to look on the bright side….

I will get a lot done while he is gone. I do like eating what I want, when I want and not worrying about meals. (Those who know me laugh now…. Like I’ve ever been a very dedicated or conscientious cook.) I will whittle away at the every growing stack of unread magazines by my bed. I will check my email (sorry to anyone patiently waiting for an email response). I will listen to all the music he hates. (Yes, that is Jimmy Buffett shaking the dust off the lamps.) I will read blogs. I will play with photoshop. I will work on Sweet Boy’s baby book. I will work on my flower beds. I will take Sweet Boy to the Big Slide at the park. I will take many, many pictures. I will go swimming with Sweet Boy. I will eat ice cream every day. I need to think of some other things to do to keep myself busy for the next 14 days….. help me out here people.

PRAISE the POWERS THAT BE...

... the camera hospital called. My camera is back from the ICU and recovering nicely in a semi-private room. It can be discharged as soon as a responsible party is available to pick it up and care for it. I can fake responsible.... I'm going to get my camera.

Reality Fuckin’ TV.

And now, people, you will see why I don’t blog very often…. This is my Life.

Scene:

A small kitchen… clean & uncluttered but definitely “lived in.” A 30-something woman in a black skirt & white tanktop is piling bags of groceries on the counter. As she piles, she pulls out various, seemingly random, food items to cook.

A small boy child, approximately 14 months, is playing in the kitchen. We see the boy child, unobserved by the mother, put his pacifier in a travel coffee cup, put the lid on it & put it in a drawer. As the scene continues to unfold, the boy child puts various objects in travel coffee cups, carefully puts on the lid & stashes them in the drawer.

The woman discovers a large plastic disk blocking one of the gas stove top lines…. She realizes THIS is why that burner hasn’t been working and calls the gas company to cancel her service call.

The phone rings and the woman begins a conversation with her sister. The conversation includes much talk about helicopters and fire. Meanwhile, the woman is cutting up bacon and putting it in a big pot to fry.

The woman, let’s refer to her as “mama,” runs around the corner into the laundry room to catch the small boy feeding dinosaur crackers to the dog. Mama can’t help but laugh at this adorable demonstration of sharing. She marvels at what an excellent choice she made in pets. This dog is bomb-proof…. He will tolerate anything.

The bacon burns. The smoke detector goes off. The sister (on the phone) laughs. Mama notes that all the smoke will just make Smokey, the firefighter husband, feel more comfortable when he gets home.

Mama adds green onions to the pot. The house stinks. The baby sneaks a full sippy cup of milk into the coffee cup drawer.

The dog goes out. The cat comes in. The daddy arrives smelling like wood smoke and gasoline from fighting fires & running a chainsaw. Mama dumps broccoli into the pot. The bacon grease splatters. The little boy runs to his daddy, babbling, and crawls up in his lap.

The daddy goes out to set the sprinklers. The mama stirs rice into the pot. The cat goes out. The dog comes in. The little boy takes daddy’s keys off the table and, you guessed it, puts them in a travel mug in the drawer.

The little boy goes outside to help his daddy. The mama goes upstairs to change out of her work clothes. The dog eats a piece of broccoli off the floor.

The daddy puts the little boy in his high chair and looks at the mail. The mama adds egg to the pot and gives the little boy slivers on nectarine. She wonders about the location of his sippy cup. The dog waits patiently to receive slivers of nectarine.

The mama ladles fried rice into bowls and the family sits down to eat. The little boy makes a big, giggling production out of blowing on his rice to cool it. He very carefully piles bits of rice on his spoon. Then he carefully takes them off and eats them. The baby does not enjoy the broccoli stems…. The dog does.

The family discusses the important questions of the day. Where was the fire? How big? Did you call in bucket drops? Should we go swimming tomorrow night? Which part of the lawn should we water next? Where IS that sippy cup of milk? What should we have for dinner tomorrow night? Do you want to play cribbage or read magazines after the baby is in bed? Would you like a drink? Do you think the little boy is eating enough vegetables? Do you want to get him ready for bed or do the dishes?

The baby is wrangled out of the high chair and sent to take a bath with daddy. Mama cleans up the dinner dishes. Soon, the little boy comes streaking out of the bathroom…. Completely naked and giggling…. Mama & “the butt bird” chase him back into the bathroom. He pees on the floor.

Mama wipes up the bacon grease & washes the stove. She marvels at having 4 working burners again. The dog cleans up the floor & high chair seat. A clean, naked baby… wrapped in a towel…. Gets a diaper & spidey-jammies in the living room. The daddy wonders where the blue paci is hiding.

The little boy shows daddy “somersaults” and how to climb up on the coffee table. He throws the ball for the dog and helps mama knock down some blocks. He goes outside to help daddy move the sprinklers. He mooches sips of mama’s iced tea.

The daddy & the baby play the “goodnight game” on the stairs. The baby sticks his hands through the stair spaces and the daddy grabs them and tickles him and growls. The baby gut-laughs and squeals and crawls up another step. The mama reads books & snuggles the little boy.

The little boy goes to bed with a little grin….. spidey-bottom sticking up in the air & soft, spikey-hair smelling clean. The mama turns on the fan & shuts the door partway. Goodnight little man.

The mama goes downstairs and adds a bit of vodka, cranberry juice and lemon to her tea. The daddy gets out the cribbage board. Mama plays well but she is defeated by ONE POINT. Usually they play two games but tonight they were interrupted by the phone a few times. They watch the fire report on the news and go to bed.

Scene fades to black.

My brother.

My brother.

My favorite brother.

My only brother.

My brother.

He’s moving.

Too Montana.

In October.

I’m so excited.

Do you know the naughty things he is going to teach my son?

Can you actually get frequent flyer miles for emergency room trips?

Oh, and by the by, he’s still available. Anybody want him?

More Reasons Why I Am A Great Mother.

I switched to small crunchy bite-sized bits of dog food instead of big kibble…. Less of a choking hazard. Sweet Boy’s latest trick is to cram several in his mouth and then run over to me grinning so I can squeeze his cheeks and he can spit them out one at a time like some demented little gumball machine.

Yeah, about that "Art & Modern Society" thing.....

I'm not going to write it. But I will say I think the "new direction" for art in Montana is towards art & economic development. We really want to get those tourists in here, get their money & then get them out before they drive up the price of land any more.

If I had money & wall space.......

Jay Laber is still my favorite but I also really like Gretchen Hibbard, Larry Pirnie, Richard Buswell, Tim Holmes, Josh DeWeese (and, really, any member of the DeWeese family) & Rosie Wynkoop. Oh, and Al Swanson.

And Ted Waddell is high on my list but he is living in Idaho so he can't be on the "Montana Favorites" list any more.

Oh and Chip Clawson & Robert Harrison.

And don't even get me started about Montana writers & musicians...... such talent.