FUN SUMMER WEEKEND REPORT

So we headed into FUN SUMMER WEEKEND.

SB went to Nana & Papa’s several times…. Turns out they let him watch cartoons and eat chocolate chips & almonds. He also gets to play with guns and cheat at cards. If I find out he’s been smoking cigars I’m drawing a line.

The creek is getting lower and lower. There are now many more “Islands in the Stream” than before…… Go ahead, try to get the Dolly & Kenny song out of your head now….

SB tells his daddy, “Yeah, we were whapping grasshoppers with sticks and then picking them up.” Um, well, yes. He & Papa figured out they could get BIG FISH to strike if they tossed them in the creek. And he still hasn’t caught one with his metal mesh strainer.

We practiced with scissors on the picnic game from Wonderland’s website. I’d link it if I wasn’t so lazy.

We played play-doh. We have a giant 50th anniversary tin (from Costco) and we played for about an hour… just makin’ stuff. Sissy sat in her high chair and made dots on a piece of paper (and her face & the tray) with a crayon. Pointalism. She’s so advanced.

We played Rumikub. Well, our version of it. It is a little difficult for the time being but SB is getting better at number recognition so he’s figuring it out. (Oh, hear me sound like a mommy who actually knows what she is talking about…) I stacked tiles for Darling Girl and she practiced gravity on my stacks.

Our next big craft project is to make beads (out of that sculpty clay…. On sale for $1 each at Joann’s recently) and then string them into… something. I realized all the clay we got is various shades of green…. Because that is SB’s favorite…. And this makes me happy because my brother & SB’s father (two DIFFERENT people, I must point out… we’re Rednecks… we aren’t Arkansas Rednecks) are red-green color blind and, indeed, none of the “green” clays are actually red so, as far as I’m concerned, he will have no trouble with stop lights in his future.

I transplanted some plants to the flower bed I’ve been fixing. Yeah, August is a great time to transplant things…. But the deer were kicking the hell out of my strawberries and this new bed has a lovely cover of deer net. And my poor asters (transplanted into a shady spot when we moved here (3 YEARS ago) and told to, “Hang in there, guys”) finally have a sunny location with deer protection and my lovely pincushion flowers finally have a home. I might sow a late crop of spinach in the edges just to torture the deer… ‘cause I’m like that.

SB & I had remote control car races in the garage. The little sneak gave me the car with half-dead batteries. I retaliated by squirting him with the water squirter… no, not really… well, ok, yes.

I mowed the “back” yard while DG napped and SB watched Qubo Saturday morning…. The other 2 sections of yard look fine to me so I skipped them. I was trying to make the mowing a workout… because the smoke has been preventing much walking or exercise around here. Not sure on my logic on that one…. ‘cause mowing-exercise and walking-exercise are different to the smoke, right?

The Jehovah’s Witnesses didn’t show up this weekend. I was expecting them. They stop by about once a month and are actually quite lovely people…. I know the gal from some work stuff I do and I love calling my mother-in-law and whispering, “They’re Coming.” Just to freak her out.

We mostly just ate hot dogs and bagels all weekend… although I did do some burgers on The George Sunday night (what? I’m scared to use the bbq…. I don’t want to be The One who starts The Fire….). We NEED to get more ice cream…. That’s what SB says.

Evenings involve avoiding the TV (reruns of The Singing Bee?) and sitting on the deck now that the weather is cooler…. In August. Hot Stuff has taken to smoking the occasional cigar and SB is horrified that he is putting “Daddy Candles” in his mouth….

Photos coming some day of the kids playing in the big sandbox and SB singing on “stage rock” to his millions of adoring fans.

Last Week

In an attempt to keep the whole “swimming is fun” theme going now that swimming lessons are over we tricked Nana into hitting the pool with us on Thursday night. I wasn’t sure how it would go after my accidental dunking of SB & I on the waterslide on Monday. But we were testing a new device….. a barrel floatie suit. It came out of the hand-me-down box and was U-G-L-Y…. I’m not gonna lie. Faded, pilled and sportin’ some odd cartoon whale.. it was not cool… but it floated the kid and got him paddling around the pool…. ON HIS OWN. He even got brave enough to bail off the diving board twice… something that was no problem last summer but has been impossible this summer now that he knows he is mortal. I also improved my water skills by putting my face in the water numerous times… no small feat…. Yes, I lead by example… but don’t expect to see me up on that diving board any time soon.

So I’ve been promising Sweet Boy a life jacket for over a month now and I finally bit the bullet and got him one at Target on Friday. No, they weren’t on clearance… what the hell? I am accustom to summer stuff going on sale July 1st… what’s up? But it was the last life jacket that was approved for boat safety (yeah, those cute little Speedo ones aren’t) so I dropped a whopping $25… all for love. And, yes, in spite of my hypocritical dislike of licensed characters…. He got the spiderman one. He’s going to be wearing it until he’s 5 so he better get one he likes….

So then, continuing the “let’s make summer fun” lesson… we went to ABC’s (that’s Applebee’s for those of you who don’t speak toddlerese) and got takeout and went to the park. We had plans to meet some friends doing the cancer walk and do a few laps and then head home… because, well, Hot Stuff is working every and all hours and I am determined to make fun summer memories… right?

So I call Hot Stuff to tell him where we are on the off chance he gets done with work by 18:00 and wants to meet us…. He asks if I can see smoke. WTF? There are wildfires everywhere… yeah I can see smoke. There has been a smoke report fairly near our house.

End of fun.

We head to the house to get the dog and see if we need to leave. I’m not gonna lie… there was a little adrenaline pumping.

Turns out it was a false alarm. There could be a fire 500 yards from my house and I bet I wouldn’t be able to tell… it’s that smoky everywhere.

And I just noticed I reported the time military-style…. That’s how consuming fire season is at our house.

Turf Tires

This is a tutorial in what happens when you try to "mow a path to the creek" with turf tires.... the bush whacker says "yes" but the tires say "no" and you just about drop your son-in-law's tractor off a ravine into the creek bed. The pictures don't really do justice to the drop off....

Uh-oh. Let me just put on my thinking cap for a second....

Go ahead, take a bow....

Yes, that's my brother UNDER the pickup..... Dad is supervising....

Ok, now drag it out....

Moo

I'm now pumping "for comfort" at work... and I can't wait to be done. Of all the parenthood things... pumping is my least favorite. Even a dirty diaper can be funny, but pumping? No redeeming qualities.

So why do I feel so guilty?

Let’s talk about character licensing for a moment.

Up front I will admit to being a hypocrite. I’m ok with super heroes… spidey and batman are on my son’s underpants. He has (granted, they are hand-me-down) spiderman shirts. I think he even has an Incredibles t-shirt. And we are fairly inundated with Winnie the Poo… although I try to cull most of it to the give-away box… but I’m still in love some of that classic poo baby stuff…. Sorry, but you can’t go dissin’ AA Milne just because some crook is pimping him.

So before I go further, in the interest of full disclosure, I will take an inventory…. We have a few hand-me-down Sesame Street toys and a Diego DVD and some Bob the Builder stuff. Several pieces of the “Cars” collection and some spiderman junk. We have a “my first book of princesses” Disney board book that I am forced to pull out and display prominently whenever the, ehem, gift giver is in town. We have a wooden Thomas set, DVD & Big Loader. And we have I-don’t-know-how-many McDonald’s toys that are licensed character themes…. “Engine” turtles, Flushed Away & something with penguins come to mind immediately.

Here’s a crazy thought… what if we got rid of all the plastic, battery-operated toys and only had classic, wooden toys? I’ve heard of people who do this. Oh wait, we tried that…. Remember the Thomas lead-paint recall? Yup, I had a “classics only” mommy moment and insisted if Nana was getting him Thomas for Christmas I wanted the wooden set….4 of the 6 pieces we have got mailed away… sigh.

So I was patting my self on the back… we have very little Sesame Street, no Sponge Bob, a Dora hand-me-down potty seat (yes, hand-me-down potty seat....), Diego on DVD only…. And then I see THIS….

Oh LORD, I forgot about the Elmo Guitar. Somebody hand-me-downed this to us…. Oh what a dreadful toy…. And now I have to feel guilty about whoever bought it from the thrift store. (Further reading leads me to believe it is ok because it was made before May 2007… whatever… I’m still responsible for destroying the sanity of some poor parent by exposing them to the horror that is Elmo-on-reverb guitar.)

Can you see the baby?

Look closely....There's a baby in this photo.... Yes, she's wearing camo.... with ruffles.... doing a commando crawl.... I think she's stalking an elk. I'm not sure how I got my brother's knee in the photo.... I know it's my brother because who else wears Wranglers in 103 degree heat?

Movie Review

I haven’t done a movie review in quite a while because, well, we haven’t watched many movies this summer. Duh. We did watch several episodes of Deadwood Season Three…. I love that show…. It definitely should win an award for most creative use of the word cunt.

Ghost Rider. Sam Elliott. Need I say more? Ok, how about Nicholas Cage with his head on fire? Silly, silly movie but for some reason I enjoyed it.

Premonition. I love Sandy. But this movie? Sucked. I didn’t like the ending… either one of them… and, well, the concept was weak. I won’t say more or I will spoil it.

300. LOVED IT. Yes, it’s gory…. And if you know anything about history you know how it is going to end. But I can’t get enough of this style of cinematography….. the computerized effects, the shading, the freaks and rhinos…. And there are boobies…. way more man boobies than woman boobies. And, once I got over being mad they used Hot Stuff’s body as a model AGAIN without royalties, well… I thoroughly enjoyed the man boobies. And abs. Did I mention the abs? And the king… he is rocking the best beard I’ve seen in a long time. So go rent it. Heck, consider BUYING it.

Why are you still here? GO.

Email

If you've sent me an email in the last, oh, two months or so.... my apologies.

We are waiting for a phone call.

Perpetually. In perpetuity. Continually. Continuously. Constantly. And always.

Hot Stuff is on call 24/7 and I can't tie up the phone line longer than about 10 minutes without making him twitch.... so I haven't checked my email (I'd rather throw up posts here... and, if you've read many of them... you know "throw up" is a good term.... ew.)

SO until I win the lottery and can get satellite internet service... this is all you get.

Fire Sex

Or, more appropriately titled… Married Fire Sex

I’m sure you are all thinking… well, now the baby is in her own room and I bet there is some trapeze-swinging wild sex going on at The Homestead. And I hate to burst your bubble but… not.

Firefighters are among the sexiest men (and women) in the world. There is nothing hotter than a smoky guy in fire pants. I’m so in love with the smoky-sweaty thing…. Mmmm…. Just like BBQ potato chips.

The problem? Along with the smokey-sexy comes the exhausted. Totally, bone-weary, hiked up a hill in 103 degree heat and battled a Really Hot Thing exhausted.

Usually Hot Stuff gets home around 10 and we watch the first part of the news together… then I go upstairs and read while he watches the weather. We do like most married couples… snuggle a few minutes, fight over the covers and fall asleep.

But last night I was reading Harry Potter and eating oreos in bed and planning to stay up to see if Harry can find the third Horacrux. Hot Stuff snuggled in beside me and then started giving me the, ehem, Extra Snuggles.

In my mind, like any reasonable married woman, I think, “Damn, I wish I hadn’t eaten oreos & milk after I brushed my teeth. Oreo breath… and what if the milk gives me gas? Are the kids asleep? Should I turn off the baby monitor? Oh, wait… she can’t hear us… we can hear her…. I should have shaved my legs… wait, we’ve been swimming a lot…. I DID shave my legs! Hurray! I wonder if he noticed. Shit, I think the sprinklers are still on…. Can I go outside naked after sex and turn the sprinklers off? I love my new haircut. I think I feel a little sexier since I’ve been walking…. Hey, wait a minute…. I feel A LOT SEXIER since I’ve been walking… or wait… maybe that’s because… I… uh…. There….. that…. Yes….”

Ok, I’ll stop now because I know my brother is reading… (Hi Bro!)

And then, of course, there is the married-haven’t-seen-each-other-much-lately-post-sex conversation….

Where are my pants? Did you shut the sprinklers off? Did I tell you I couldn’t figure out how the dog got out of the pen? What? I didn’t even tell you the dog got out of the pen? Yeah, that’s why he’s been in the house…. Well, that and the heat. I got you some nectarines for your lunch. Oh, by the way….

I love you and you are amazing.

(Honey…. I do love you and you are always worth the wait! Let’s Extra Snuggles again soon, ok?)

Don't eat until you're Full. Eat until you're Tired.

Fire.

I'm trying not to post about fire. Because, well, it's just such an obvious thing to be talking about, isn't it? It's fucking hot and smokey here which makes way more sense than saying fucking cold.... because since when is fucking cold?

So, yeah, shit is burning up. People are being evacuated. Nobody can breathe and my eyes feel like I've been sleeping in mascara, underwater, in an over-clorinated pool. Hell, our first day of swim lessons was canceled due to a fire evacuation. It sucks and we are living it.... but please, tourists, visit our lovely state and leave us your hard-earned dollars....

So, today, I will provide for your viewing enjoyment.... my evacuation plans.

planS... you have more than one?

Why yes.

The 5-minute plan: Grab the kids, the dog, the cell phone and the credit card and get the fuck out. The GOOD thing about this kind of natural disaster.... it is site specific. It isn't like a tornado or a hurricane where a whole town is wiped out. As long as I have the credit card I can always buy food and diapers.

The 25-minute plan: Same as above but add turning on the sprinklers, grabbing the two crates of photo albums & momentos, the jewelry box, the safe deposit box keys, guns and as many of Hot Stuff's largest elk horns as possible. I've already backed up all my photos & computer to idiot sticks and I have them stashed at work. The important paperwork (birth certificates etc) are in a safety deposit box (ok, once and for all... is it safe deposit or safety deposit??)... but, of course, both sets of keys are in my house. Must make note to take one set to work.

The 2-day plan: Rent a storage unit in town and grab the above as well as a few select antiques and other valuables. Cut down the oily evergreen tree and drag it away from the house. Move the tractor and pickup to town.

The what-I'd-really-like plan: Do you think it would be possible to send a few items TO the fires? Like, can I selectively burn up a few things? The pink recliners, for example?

Our house is extemely defensible so I'm not too worried. But there is only one way in and one way out of our neighborhood and the idea of riding out a wild fire isn't super appealing to me... call me crazy.... so we take the "be prepared" route and hope for no smoldering lightning strikes.

It's interesting. We walked through the house and in each room asked, "What's important here?" There are some things... like the arrowhead collection Hot Stuff's grandpa gave him... that are easy... but you have to decide where to draw the line. The old photo albums... but all the new ones can easily be replaced with a quick trip to snapfish so they aren't as important. I'm discovering there aren't a WHOLE lot of things that couldn't be pretty easily replaced. And there are some things (did I mention the pink recliners??) that I'd LOVE to see go.... so what does that say about me??

Who Needs Fancy Toys??

This is a shark. What? You don't see it? It's a shark I tell you. And this? This is a shark attack.

Sometimes you are a good parent in spite of yourself

This summer I’ve done more readin’ than writin’ in blog world. And I’ve learned I might be a better parent than I thought….. (assuming you can get past the chocolatey-goodness pictures below.)

A blog I love (but shall remain nameless for now because I’m about to poke fun at their parental seriousness and I don’t know them well enough to really DO that) had a recent post about moving the kiddie dishes to a lower spot so the kidlet could help herself. Thus helping the kidlet learn all sorts of Important Things. Things like Sharing and Helping and Responsibility.

And I thought: Good Idea.

And then I realized…. We already do this.

But we call it: Parenting by the Path of Least Resistance.

Sippy cups, plastic bowls & plasticware are all located in lower drawers (the drawer just above the cookie cutters & rolling pin formerly for cookies but currently for play dough). I didn’t realize I was teaching my children an important life lesson by putting these items down low. I thought I was making my life easier by letting them get their own sippy and snack bowl….. no more “But I wanted the YELLOW cup” and it’s a heck of a lot easier to dole out the m&m’s when the bowl is already lined up on the counter.

This week SB even learned to get the milk out by himself. We haven’t graduated to apple juice since we mix our own from frozen concentrate (both thrifty and easy to water down) and the apple juice container doesn’t seal up…. Yes, my gallon milk jug has an oddly-shaped bottom from being dropped repeatedly during the learning process. And, yes, I have to keep a tea towel around the door handle to give him the proper leverage to get the door open. And, no, he isn’t pouring for himself…. Yet.

Does anyone else do things ‘cause their lazy and later learn there is a bit of genius in their madness?

O-O-O Ice Cold Milk And.....

Identify that food product.

She Loves Hats.

And then, my head exploded..... igniting a new fire....

My first effort to include my offspring in an organized activity was a complete failure. I knew it would be..... that's why I put it off so long. While others were attending music classes and play groups my poor progeny was only allowed storytime at the library and a few trips for pizza at Costco as group play.

No gymnastics.

No dance lessons.

No soccer.

No t-ball.

Nothing.

Until this week. Swimming Lessons.

I was prepared.

I had sunscreen, trunks & a towel for him. And goggles in the car in case they wanted him to have those too. I had swim gear for myself & the baby. I had my mother-in-law coming to meet us after lessons. I had a picnic packed.... the plan being to do lessons, eat our picnic, then swim for fun, shower, put on jammies and then head home.

Now, I know what you are thinking. Competi-mommy. And you are wrong. I'm intensely and freakishly nervous and shy about these kinds of things. I can't explain it. I blame my parents. It was the way I was raised.... something like that. Anyway. I need to carefully think out these kinds of events or I find myself hyperventilating and hiding behind potted plants.

So I left work early to gather my children. And on the radio I hear, "We are evacuating the swimming pool.... all unattended children will be taken to the fair grounds until they can be picked up." And I think, "Huh, I wonder if lessons are cancelled??"

This, people, is my life.

*** I have "Awwww...... RESCUE PACK... Coming to the rescue...." STUCK in my head... please, amputate my brain NOW. And someone please remind me not to use DIEGO as a babysitter ever again.


*** Sweet Boy looked at me yesterday and, out of no-where, says,"Mama, boys don't have boobies." I pause. I look at him. Really. "Boys have pecto-roar-al muscles, mom. Boys have muscles." "Well, then, son, what are those little 'squito bites on your chest there??" "I don't know. But they don't have holes in them so I can't feed my baby with them.... only girls can do that."


*** Hot Stuff came home, tired, and almost tripped over the little grey stool sitting in the middle of the living room (and not in the usual spot by the doorway) and gave me "the look" about it. I said nothing and pointed. Yes, Darling Girl has a New Trick. I'm not going to be the one to stifle her creativity or her chances of becoming a performance artist so I am left with two options.... put the stool in the middle of the room or make the kid wear a helmet. On second thought... that helmet isn't such a bad idea....

*** In the name of trying to be a woman and a mommy I thought possible bringing out the bronze goddess would give me a little confidence boost so I bought some Aveeno lotion with a hint of tanner. Sweet Boy walked in the bathroom this morning and said, "Mom. It smells a little funny in here." I think I'll stick to shoe shopping or something.


*** I blasted a bit of the house with goo-gone's house wash. I'm sure that shit is toxic but, wow, did it every take the pellet stove soot stains off the porch ceiling.

*** SB, DG & I went to a little girl's birthday party on Saturday. It's a daycare friend so I didn't know anyone there beyond nodding aquaintance as we are gathing our children. Hot Stuff says, in all sincerity, "Have FUN at the party!!" I had to give him the look. There was no alcohol at this party. I spent the whole time worrying about how to put sunscreen on my little ghost-babies without looking like competi-mommy (Why aren't YOU slathering your children with at least a shot glass of sunscreen every 2 hours??? No, seriously, you don't need to do it.... it's just, well, LOOK at how pale my kids are.... I know.... I'm not sure they are mine either....) and laughing at my daughter walking like a hunch back and always heading for the water features in the yard.... but trying not to let her walk because the son in this family is several months older than DG and isn't walking and I heard the grandfather make some comment about it and LORD KNOWS that mom doesn't need my kid adding to her stress.... right? That makes sense sort-of, doesn't it??

*** Sweet Boy has a new "look" wearing his baseball cap backwards. If you ask him why he will carefully explain it is to keep the ice cream off the bill of his cap when we go to Dairy Queen. Yes, we've been to Dairy Queen twice this week. Yes, it is 95 degrees here. No, that's not so very hot to people from the South but WE AREN'T FROM THE SOUTH, are we??

*** Hot Stuff mentioned last night -as casually as possible- that he might be ready to get a pair of kittens. Good thing I've been working on my poker face.

*** Monday night is the first night of swimming lessons. I'm planning to pack a little picnic since lessons are 5:00-5:30 and we will probably want to swim more after. I hope all goes well. SB was very brave and a great swimmer last summer... jumping off the diving board and all. Now I can't get him to put his face in the water or jump off the side into my arms. He must have realized his mortality or something. I just try to act like I love the water (you know I don't) and be an encouraging but not demanding mom. I don't plan to flip out and enroll him in expensive private once-a-week lessons for several months until he can out-swim everyone in the pool like a certain other mom I know did..... oh, have I mentioned how well my little niece is swimming these days? I can't compete but it is very hard not to try. I like to think I pick up the slack by packing a fun picnic and being a fun mom. Right? Ok, well, failing that.... I look better in my Land's End mom-suit than you do....

*** I pink-puffy-heart-with-sprinkles-on-top LOVE our portable air conditioner.

*** My amazing watering system is almost complete. Pictures soon. Now I want to rip out another section of grass and put in another flower bed because when you water them?!?! The flower beds look great.

*** Next weekend my daughter turns one. ONE. What the hell?!?!

*** Yes, thank you for asking for the birthday party we WILL be having chocolate cake. And, yes, there WILL be alcohol....

The farm got hailed out this weekend.

What does that mean?

All of the cautiously-optimistic bushels per acre predictions we've been kicking around..... gone. All the plans to take a bit of vacation time in late July and go help with harvest.... not needed.
All that beautiful wheat... beat into the ground, bent, broken and not fun to see.

But my mother, ever the optimist, reasons.... well, we aren't trying to buy land now so at least we don't have a big debt. And we don't have kids in college or big costs to cover so we will be fine for another year.

And she's right.

But it is so much fun to have a Big Harvest year. I was looking forward to hauling the kids up there for a week or so. Trying out a few new fabulous recipes on the harvest crew and leaving the kids with Grandma for a while so I could re-new my truck-driving skills out in the field. Sweet Boy is big enough to go a few rounds in the combine this year. Darling Girl is big enough to.... eat dirt while we do dinner in the field.

Instead the combine drivers will pack bigger lunches in their coolers and it will take all morning to fill a truck. I still might go up but it will be to move a truck to the corner of a new field and then go dump it a few hours later.... not the wild, unloading on the go, dunk your head in the water tank, testing how fast you can unload without overflowing the hopper, grab a gatoraide out of the freezer, beat the dust out of your grill, sunglasses-hat-jeans-boots, wearing a big black dust mask, so tired you can't move at the end of the day kind of harvest.

And for the cooking.... I know my dad will miss my signature dish... 5 Can Surprise. And the dessert-a-day club. And homemade pretzels with canned cheese. And little kids in dirty jeans and sunglasses sitting on the tailgate of a pickup eating watermelon.

There were no jugglers, ponies or magicians...

We survived the 7-year-old cousin's birthday party.

It wasn't as competi-mommy as I thought it would be.... a pleasant surprise. I was totally ready to discuss Montessori daycare, organic snacks and why my daughter doesn't know sign language.... yet. There was one passing comment about the kind of juice available (the pc kind, apparently.... some new capri suns lower in sugar than regular capri suns) but no one said a word when my 11-month-old went AFTER a piece of ice cream cake in the grass under the picnic table. She got it too... that's my girl. She was just excited she didn't have to wrestle the dog for it.

And none of the earnest mommies present speed-dialed Human Services on me! Not even once. I was careful to make sure they saw me apply sunscreen liberally and regularly. And I didn't swear.... out loud.... not even once.

Actually, mostly I made some comparisons and secretly felt superior.... my box-cake (tastes just like from scratch! with hershey's syrup right in the mix!) with homemade frosting (I could marry that frosting) might not be fashionable but... have I mentioned the frosting? So good. These parties the competi-mommies throw aren't that much different.... they just have less alcohol (the dads... doing the traditional dads-sit-around-the-cooler dance.... didn't even have beer) and more neon blue frosting.

I was appropriately and tastefully dressed in a brown t-shirt & print skirt (thanks Elle... good shopping) flashing a little "bohemian-I-may-be-a-mom-but-I-have-style" in the jewelry and sporting the dark lenses in my sunglasses so I could check out the competition.

My kids were well-behaved and used their best manners.... I figured the least I could do would be the same. Talk of dinner started around 5:15 but when nothing had happened by 7:00 and SB was asking if he could rummage in the diaper bag for "an old granola bar or some gold fishies or something...." we said our good-byes and headed for home.

Sweet Boy was over-the-moon ecstatic when we, unsolicited, pulled into McDonald's. And, yes, for those of you counting.... it was the SECOND time this week.... I like to think his Happy Meal collection will be worth a lot more if it is complete. (For those who know: We got Chicken Joe. Very exciting.) After a few nuggets & fries both backseaters were out cold for the drive home so I turned up the ipod, enjoyed the scenery and thought about Darling Girl's FIRST birthday in two weeks.... you guessed it..... Chocolate cake, spaghetti, the family & a couple of party hats.... oh, and a little alcohol too.

Single Mothers…. I Salute You.

Wednesday night… about 11:30…. Hot Stuff got a phone call. No, it wasn’t his girlfriend. It was his boss.

So. After a load of laundry, some rummaging to find his gear bag and travel toothpaste, a little good-lovin’ and a pot of coffee he left at 5:30 am to attend to his work order…. An off-area assignment to West Yellowstone.

And I begin my odyssey as a single parent for 14 days.

I was left with two directives….. make sure the kids survive and don’t forget to water the lawn. We’ll see how that goes.

Usually off-area dispatches are met with a mixture of sadness and glee. We will miss each other but Hot Stuff loves to fight fires and I love doing projects he wouldn’t approve of. So it works. But the kids are adding a new dynamic.

Sweet Boy is sad, sad, sad. He misses his daddy. It doesn’t help that the day before he left Hot Stuff gave him a “summer haircut” and he truly looks like a sad, sad, sad cancer survivor.

Being the Earnest Mommy that I am…. We’ve got lots of things Planned! ! ! Already I’ve resorted to the McD’s bribe and using Diego to buy me leg-shaving time. It doesn’t help when my normally charming daughter is doing… something. Teething? Illness? Sadness? She’s a cling-on.

To make SB happy…. I promise popcorn and fort-building behind the couch. The swimming pool/water slide and the new sand box. I will take you to places you are forbidden to go alone… the creek and the big rock pile behind the barn. Oreos on the porch and running through the sprinklers. Building a blanket-tent with the clothesline and playing “broken arm” with a REAL splint. Finger painting with pudding and chalk drawing in the shop. Pizza from Costco and movies from the library. Running around the yard with an old vacuum cleaner wand and a wrapping paper tube being “bad guys.” Picking daisies to put in old glass jars. Playing fire guys… even when you make me use the little chainsaw all the time. Sunscreen & bug repellent. Big beach towels and naps in the shade. All the summer fun you can imagine.

The Best Summer Dinner....

Last night was one of those quality nights when everything just seems to go right, ya know?

You saw how I spent the afternoon....

I called Elle while driving to get the kids.... as usual she made me laugh until I almost drove off the road.... something about growing tomato plants and major league baseball.... you had to be there.

Picked up my shining, happy children. They were glad to see me and Sweet Boy has finally (ok, it took 2 days) adjusted to ME picking him up instead of daddy. (Hot Stuff went to a 9-6 ten-days-on schedule on Monday.) We drove home and talked about swimming lessons and water colors.

Did the usual get home routine... let the dog out, get the clothes off the line, take the diaper & work bags in the house and unload, nurse the babe, admire SB's coloring.

Then I poured myself a Blackfoot brew (did I mention I got CARDED at Blackfoot?) and lit the bbq.

NOW. PAY ATTENTION. THIS IS THE IMPORTANT PART OF THE POST.

I made hobo dinners. What? Never tried this? Big piece of tinfoil. Baby carrots. Thin-sliced potatoes and/or sweet potatoes (Sweet potatoes cook faster). Some sliced sweet onion. A hamburger patty. Salt & pepper. A slice of tomato on the burger (keeps it moist). Wrap up in the foil and toss on the grill. Turn once in a while. Ignore. Timing? Oh, I dunno. To get the potatoes truly cooked it takes about 40 minutes I think..... You can also do this in a camp fire or in the oven.

Tear it open, douse appropriately with ketchup and enjoy with your favorite Blackfoot brew.

Clean up.... throw away the tin foil and remember to turn off the bbq.

Baby Update.....

It walks.

It waves.

It does "so big."

It plays peekaboo.

It climbs... everything.

It has 6.5 teeth.

It grins.

It is shy around strangers.

It babbles... constantly.

It is 11 months old.

My afternoon.

Left work a bit early and took advantage of the lovely weather to walk down to Blackfoot Brewery and get a growler.

Then next door for a baguette at Park Ave Bakery and across the way to drop off a library book.

Wearing my Smith sunglasses and capri pants, I bopped over to the parking commission to talk my way out of a parking ticket.

Then I stopped by the Post Office to mail away my lead-painted Thomas the Train toys.

Back to the parking lot to get in my Subaru -blaring NPR with the sunroof open- and go get the kids.

Stopping on the way home to sign Sweet Boy up for a swimming lesson session at The Broadwater.

Am I a yuppie or what?

Caption this Photo....

Not Bad News.....

To bring you up to date.... My friend's daughter, Nadine, has had two battles with cancer. After a very long summer last year she was declared CANCER FREE this winter.... but her spring check showed two dots on her lungs. She's at her lifetime max for treatments so this was very bad news. She had another appointment today... this is from her mom....

Dear friends:

Dr. Weiner said that he has "not bad news!" The cat scan showed that Nadine's "dots" are still in her lungs, but there are not more dots, and the two she has have not grown.... in fact they appear to have gotten smaller! The doctor cannot go so far as to say what the dots are -- or are not... but overall we feel that this is not bad news.

So we are celebrating.... and waiting again for another month. We will go back on July 5th for another scan. Your prayers are working!!!!! Thank you so much for keeping the good energy going.

Love,

Why have one party when you can have two... or three?

Wanted

Wanted: 20,30,40-something moms and mom-types for fun times. some kid play involved. some adult conversation and entire blocks of time NOT spent discussing children. (you remember... things like books, movies, politics, crazy in-laws, silly spouses, favorite underpants, art, fashion, science, what color to paint the bathroom.... whatever.) must not be perfect. must appreciate budgeting, organization, simplicity, the eternal quest to figure out what is for dinner and keeping romance alive. must be funny, smart and sometimes crude. obnoxious laughter in inappropriate settings, spelling out swear words and always having a fingernail file a plus. must be willing to jump on a trampoline, have an occasional drink and be proud about having ice cream for dinner.

Please apply soon. I really miss my friend.

Putting the "vacate" in VACATION.

COLORADO.

Can't believe how the Springs have grown.

Elle's house is lovely, as always.

Things she has I want: barista machine from Starbucks, iJoy chair, roomba, cool suspended garage storage, sexy new laptop, bamboo plant, trampoline.... um, what am I forgetting?

Did so many kid-friendly fun activities... so tired, can't even use pronouns any longer.

Noodles & Co. Yum.

Pottery Barn store.... surprisingly disappointing.

Kirkland's Home. Clever new find.

Thinking thoughtful thoughts: Lots of new ideas. Came home with lots of new ideas and plans for my space and my life and my family. Joy.

Pedicures. The girls gave the mom's pedicures. I look good in neon hot pink.

Pedicures. The boys got "Captain America" pedicures. The first thing Hot Stuff did was get out the nail polish remover.... He did concede (after sniffles and a pouty bird-perch lip) that little gold stars on toes were ok but no polish... so now I have to find some nail decals.

Grandma is permanently shaped like a pretzel from the "turn in the seat to hold Darling Girl's hand" but it kept her from screaming.

Learned Hot Stuff had the best deal on the CA trip.... just drive. Gave the shitty job... entertain the kids... to Grandma for the CO trip.

Not nearly enough time talking. We only got through family stuff... we didn't get on to chick stuff..... we need to live closer together.

Can't gather any more cohesive thoughts.... must do laundry and prepare for celebration weekend.....

Whew.

Fuck me runnin' it has been a BUSY couple-o-weeks.

In the last 16 days my kids have logged more than 56 hours of road time..... 6 states and 156 "ew, don't touch that" rest stops.

Nicest potty stop: Idaho. (I really like the tile and clean family bathroom) The nastiest? Near Hardin, Montana.

Stayed in an adorable motel in Cederville, CA and spent way too much to have a swimming pool (oh, worth every penny) in Mountain Home, ID.

Ate my own weight in Wheat Thins.

Went to "Mr Bigg's" and "Pump It Up" in Colorado Springs.

Favorite meal? Besides the latte's from Elle's new latte machine? Noodles & Co.

Discoved the baby will play for over 90 minutes if you just sprinkle cheerios all over the back seat.

We saw and discussed every piece of construction equipment, fire truck, train, school bus and airplane in a multi-state region.

Saw the Thunderbirds practicing.

Saw camels in Wyoming.

The "vacation" portion was officially wonderful. But, as Elle says, "You are the only person I know who thinks folding some other woman's husband's underwear is a vacation."

We got one buried and one graduated and, well, the circle of life continues....

The new sandbox.

Pretty Cute.... and nice flowers. Team.
SO BIG.
Yeah! Clap your hands.
See me play in the sand and NOT EAT IT???

This is her Innocent Look.

Looking at Clouds

Look Mama, I treed a bird!!!

Because he'll look cute in a black and white striped onsie.....

It's always a Bad Thing when you see a name and think, "Oh, cute baby name... must remember" and then realize you are reading the Correctional Offender Network site.

Vintage

This one is for Pickle....

www.babygoesvintage.com

We are (if, ya know, we ever get our teeny new bedroom done) going to do Darling Girl's room in vintage cowgirl/farmkid. I can't afford the stuff on the web but I'm going to scan photos from old nursery books, print them on the computer & frame them with dollar store frames....

And we have the booger beds.... twin beds/bunk beds with wagon wheel headboards. They were, honest-to-jeebus, my uncle's when he was a kid. How much more vintage can you get?? But we need to firm them up and put more slats under them because they can be, um, collapsible at the, um, most unfortunate times...... if you know what I'm saying....

Some paint. Oh lordie... what color? Here we go again.....

Put some cowgirl fabric up for curtains and throw in some Nick-n-Nora cowboy sheets from Target and call it decorated.

Several Thoughts....

Sweet Boy says (in that peculiar way he has... with heavy-long emphasis on the first B), "Daddy, why don't we have any Barbies??"

Daddy, "Uh, Boys don't play with barbies."

SB, "Yes they DO. I play with barbies at Daycarista's house. She have boy barbies and girl barbies. Paige likes the boy barbies and So. Do. I."

Daddy, "Boy barbies are called Action Figures."

Huh. Guess that makes it all ok.

_______


So I'm thinking about gender-roles... blah, blah, blah.

I was a bit uncomfortable when Darling Girl got a pink princess "my first book of words" book for Easter. I'm not particularly a Disney-hater (although I'd rather eat green glass than be caught dead in a theme park with an oversized rat) but I do understand the argument against "princess culture" or whatever you want to call it.

Here at the Homestead we try to be fair. But you have to remember it is Redneck-Fair. Boys can play dolls, dress up and tea party but you will probably hear the male contingent refer to it as "action figures, costumes and camping" so as to maintain the appropriate level of manliness.

Of course, the flip side is girls can play race cars, swords and cowboys but you will probably hear it referred to as "choking hazards, getting whacked with a wrapping paper tube and oh-shit-SB-is-sitting-on-his-sister-yelling-yee-haw-again."

I heard an interview with an 80-something pediatrician on NPR this morning (Yes, even Rednecks listen to NPR) and he said the most important thing you can teach your kids is resiliency.

So for this mother's day I'm going to set aside goals of perfection and reflections of guilt and just work towards teaching myself and my kids to be resilient.

Naked in the Light.

I confess. I have 5 pairs of khaki capris.

In light of the fact that putting a closet under the stairs in our "new" tiny bedroom will cost, oh, about $3000 dollars.... well, I've decided the best idea is to get rid of all my clothes.

So I started through my closets.

Now, let me set the stage.

I have 2 closets. One has a 54" rod and one has a 36" rod. Both are tucked under the eaves so they are very short. I know... any of you living in an old house are already jealous.... because I actually HAVE a closet.... well, soon, no more.

I also have a dresser with 2 large drawers (one for socks and unmentionables and one for jammies and workout clothes). I have a small plastic tub for winter gear, a plastic drawer for swimwear and various other unmentionables and a stack of about 8 sweatshirts.

All this has to fit into.... nothing. No closet.

Ok, well, the 36" rod closet has 60 white plastic hangers containing knit shirts.... t-shirts, long sleeved t's, sleeveless.... surely some of those can go, right? And pants... I've weeded out a lot of my black pants... well, actually, all but one pair. So that's a start. I have 3 pairs of wear-to-work jeans.... but one pair is pretty ratty so they can be retired. I have 4 pairs of weekend jeans.... surely one of those can go. I trashed all of my old workout t-shirts..... I don't work out anymore so why bother? I can get rid of a lot of shorts if I can find 1-2 pairs of decent ones to replace them. I should get rid of some jammies... I have more jammies than anything... pretty funny for someone who prefers to sleep in the buff, eh?

Ok, people, how many and what types of clothing do you have? What do you really need? And what do you really wear??

Best baby gift idea I've seen in a while.....

Overheard at The Homestead:

Our neighbor is mowing his lawn.
Yeah?
His mower is bigger than yours.
Compensating.

I don't really love oak cabinets.

I have a tiny addiction to apartmenttherapy.com and their nursery site.

Why? I don't have an apartment. My decorating style is trying-to-avoid-clutter-and-failing or trying-to-pick-a-paint-color-and-failing.

We have a little-little interior remodel going on that will leave us with a small living room and a 10x12 bedroom with no closet.... seems ideal, no?

So I was thinking as long as we are going to truly do this to add a bedroom I might as well get serious (finally.... it HAS been 3 years) about painting. I love to paint. I hate picking the color.

And if I'm painting I really should re-think the accessories in the room to get that more modern and serene look I'm going for..... Modern Primitive. That's my style.

And I want bookshelves. Because most of our books are in big rubbermaid tubs in the feed-shed turned storage-shed/closet.

But anyway.

I snapped a photo of my kitchen and realized I have the perfect accessory. It's one-of-a-kind and fits my decorating style perfectly.

In case you can't tell:

This photo was taken on "the day from hell" actually. 72 hours of almost constant body contact with me, her favorite teething object. Seriously. The only time I could put her down was in the water in the kitchen sink (see my baking). Otherwise:

Because what would the weekend be without movies?

Night at the Museum. I will admit I don't usually like Ben Stiller. Sorry, I don't. But this movie was pretty cute and Sweet Boy absolutely loved it. And I'm all about movies we can watch as a family. And I don't care what you say.... my son is brilliant. At one point he looked at me and said, "Mom, does that dinosaur think he's a DOG???" Oh, we've been having fun with that the last few days... pretending we are dinosaur-dogs and dinosaur-cats and dinosaur-frogs... because, really, what is more fun than hopping around and roaring??

Deja vu. Denzel. Need I say more??

Earnest Mommy Strikes Again....

I need to have an earnest mommy moment here.

The last time I had a real blow-out one over potty seats.... the kid promptly quit needing the Dora seat and, last I checked, was perfectly capable of using the toilet without a step stool or cartoon character throne.

My, er, production is down.

Background: With Sweet Boy I pumped 3 times a day at work and if I didn't get 12-15 ounces a day I was a freakin' wreck. With Darling Girl I pump twice a day on work days and hope for about 10-12 ounces a day. If I need to "catch up" I will toss in an extra 3-4 ounce session on the weekends. She eats more solids and just doesn't need as much milk at daycare it seems.

But my Bessie-sessions lately have been yielding about 6 ounces a DAY and, while I have lots of frozen stock pile, I am starting to worry. She's 9.5 months so I guess she could wean but I'd rather not.... she is already slimming down with all the crawling she does... once she is walking she will need all the extra calories she can get.... my little turbo-girl.

I changed the valves on the pump.... always the first thing you should do... it's like checking to make sure the computer is plugged in before calling customer service.

I added at least 16 additional ounces of water to my day. I already drink a ton of water naturally and breast feeding makes me drink a ton more.... seriously, when I came back to work our water guy even commented on it.... we use 2 additional 5 gallon bottles when I'm around....

Then I started drinking a cup of mother's milk tea every afternoon. Two days into that and, maybe it is psychosomatic, but things are picking up.... it tastes like what I imagine licking the cat's ass would taste like but whatever.... I'll make any sacrafice for motherhood and blah, blah, blah..... Besides... you can make anything taste better if you put in enough milk & sugar.....

I haven't gotten so bad that I'm taking Fenugreek yet (although I tried that with Sweet Boy) but I am considering it. Again with the.... maybe it is psychosomatic.... and I do believe it makes your sweat smell like maple.... but, hey, I don't mind smelling like the back booth at IHOP if it means (insert noble sacrifice everything mama tone here) my child can be on the boob a few more months (read: I'm too cheap to buy formula).

So take a note Sarah (oh and did you see the colace, perineal massage & witch hazel comments in the last post?? I recommend them all... even though I don't like the smell of witch hazel) here are the things to stash in your mommy arsenal should you find yourself needing them: Mother's Milk Tea (Traditional Medicinals I think? They also make "Smooth Move" if you find the colace isn't doing it for you....) and Fenugreek capsules. There is a 'scription medicine that has an off-label use as a production booster but I can't remember what it is....

Gosh... with my teas & herbals and my holistic Hyland's teething tablets and my last post about not using toilet cleaner.... ya'll will be thinking I'm all green and tree-huggery and stuff.... I better go spray something with Round Up or bleach or something..... and hide my Birkenstocks.....

There should be a 12-step program, I swear.

It really is a sickness. The budget. It's like I have obsessive-compulsive binge-n-purge budgeting habits.

I was so proud I only spent $50 at the bull's-eye store last month... and then, this weekend, we dropped $100 there**.... and then.... we went to Shopko and spent TWENTY DOLLARS on a pair of sandals for Sweet Boy. TWENTY DOLLAR SANDALS. (Any applications I had in to be in those cool mommy gangs were just REJECTED.)

I make shopping lists and then decide -mid-store- that "We don't really need that." Right. We don't really need pit stick... let's just go all free and natural and jungle and native.... skip the razor blades & shaving gel too. We can brush with baking soda... it's good enough for Grandpa so it is good enough for us.... heck, we're rednecks let's just skip the toothbrushes too.

Hello. My name is Homestead and I have walked out of stores without half the things on my list because I can't stand to spend the money.

Wait. I must pause mid-rant to say this.... We don't use toilet bowl cleaner. It is bad for the dog and it is bad for the kids. The kids who clean the toilet. What? Your 2-year-old doesn't clean your toilet? Then you, my friend, are doing something wrong. Toss in a little vinegar & baking soda, call it a science project and let the little fiends scrub away. Seriously. They are so fascinated by the toilet they want to play in it all the time? Let them. I say... why fight nature?

I wake up late at night worrying about budgets. (Nah, that's not true.... I wake up late at night with strange cravings for powdered-sugar donuts.... but rarely do I wake up obsessed about how much they would cost..... it just sounds so nice and dramatic.....)

And the returns. This makes my husband crazy. Please tell me other seemingly sane people do this?!?! Buy things. Take them home. Decide you can't afford them or can't stand the clutter. Return them.

My life took a big turn for the better in October when I swore off Target clearance end-caps (unless I really, really need it) and gave in to my list-making ways and just kept a running list of "things we need should you see them on a great sale" and wrote down the amounts we will spend on various holidays (Hot Stuff is the master of the last-minute $100 Father's Day gift.... No. No. No. Not in this budget) and birthdays and then let myself thrill in the hunt.

Yes... the hunt. I love the bargain and I love finding it. (Thank you Grandma, bless your soul.) I've just managed to trick my brain into thinking getting the slipcover (I've been shopping for 3 years now...) I love (Pottery Barn) cheap on Ebay somehow makes me superior to all those fools who pay retail. I also like to look down my nose and feel superior about reduced clutter and how much more earth-friendly it is to not buy things. Oh, hell, I just like to feel superior....

Hot Stuff got me a power ball ticket (a week early) for Mother's Day and if I win that 68 million.... THEN what's gonna happen??

**I did, however, buy TWO booster carseats, stuff for our trip the end of May (window roller shades, travel aquadoodle, travel pillows) and my ONLY impulse buy was a $1.14 batman toothbrush.

Book-O-Rama

So Mary P. hosted a book love-in for the month of April. In case you were interested in what we’re reading here at the Homestead…. I thought I’d just quickly type up my list. It isn’t long. And. I. Can’t. Remember. What. I. Read. This. Month. At all.

So, um, here’s the short version….

To the Nine’s –Janet Evanovich
The 9th (imagine that) in a series about Stefanie Plum…. So easy to read.

Full Tilt –Janet Evanovich
Another one by Janet. Really, I just read this one because I knew it would be quick and it would boost my book-count. Hee-hee.

The Fiery Cross –Diana Gabaldon
I finally finished it. I’ve been working my way slowly through this one for a long time. I like her “Scottish Sci Fi” books but I have to take them slowly over time or I get bored. And I’m still boggled by how you spell fiery.

Lord John & the Private Matter –Diana Gabaldon
I didn’t finish this one. I like this character in the other books but this book just didn’t do it for me.

Something by Sandra Brown. You know. Something.

How to Organize Just About Everything (again… the title??) by some guy who is on a popular tv show we don’t get. But I liked the book…. More of a reference book for most but I read it cover-to-cover.

Some cheesy Louis L’amour paperback I read while at my parent’s house.

The tooth section of The Portable Pediatrician AND What to Expect During the First Year. Seriously. Because isn’t it odd my daughter’s top SIDE teeth came in before the front ones??

The Weekend In Movies

Smokin' Aces: Brutally violent and hilarious. How's that? Loved this but I realize it might not be for everyone.

Stranger Than Fiction: Lovely little flick. Cute. Easy to understand. Will Ferrell playing an IRS auditor... which is.... interesting.

On the Agenda for the Weekend

Well.... looks like Montana might be having a legislative special session again.... $36,000/day. Wow.

So to, ahem, celebrate.... we are going to have a party. You're invited. The theme?

Engine Turtles & Tequila.

Sweet Boy is going to invite the Engine (Ninja) Turtles because we are having pizza and he tells me they like pizza..... he knows this because his Engine Turtle undies also have pizza slices on them.... go figure. I made pizza dough last night so it will probably be little mini pizzas and do-it-yourself toppings..... and margaritas in a bucket or milk in a sippy cup.... your choice.

Come on over.

Later this weekend we will watch Qubo.... Sweet Boy's term for Saturday morning cartoons.... regardless if they are NBC's qubo ones or not. He likes Scooby Doo and Batman... good thing they are on one of the two tv channels we get. Yes, we believe in the old-fashioned "Saturday Morning Cartoons" thing.... no cartoon network 24/7 animation at our house.... no sir. We are PURISTS. Saturday mornings mean cartoons and breakfast on a tray in front of the tv.... waffles, fried-egg and bacon sandwiches or cheerios. Yes. We are traditionalists.

Then maybe we will go to the swimmy pool for a while. That always makes for good naps. The nicer weather might make for a good weekend to play in the barn or maybe start doing some timbers for the flower beds. Ideally, I will make it through the whole weekend without going to town a single time.... perfection.

Yes.... a leisurely weekend at the homestead. I can't wait.

Play Time At the Homestead

Sweet Boy’s newest thing is to play “Diego Animal Rescue” with me. Now, granted, without cable/satellite tv we could have prevented his exposure to the world of Dora but -knowing the only cultural things he will get from my side of the family include insanity & a really bad rez accent- we figure Dora is about the only chance the boy has of cultural exposure…. Especially now that Imus is off the air.

So we play animal rescue and, “Mama, you be’s the shark and I will rescue you” and we play and play, stopping only to sing along loudly when a song we like comes on the radio. (I take it back… cultural exposure includes singing along with Tim McGraw…. Loudly, in a gawdawful Southern accent.)

And while we are playing I sing, “Dora, Dora, Dora the Librarian” because that’s what Elle sings when she plays Dora and, like so many things Elle says, it sorta rolled around the edges of my brain until it became firmly lodged front and center… probably right in front of the part of my brain that knows where I hid that last bottle of really good tequila.

Except you kinda have to sing it (bright and pippy) like this, “Dor-la, Dor-la, Dor-la, the li-BRARE-ian” and I wish I could read music so I could write music so you could get the catchy, catchy tune and then it would be permanently etched on your brain too…. Like that time you accidentally saw your middle school math/pe teacher wearing nothing but a jock strap and knee-high socks with red bands around the calves…. Sorry, but I will never look at red bands the same way again.

And it goes along fine until Sweet Boy runs out of animals he knows (this takes a long, long time….) and he starts making up animals…. “Mama, you be’s a gur-lunga-lunga and I will rescue you.”

Um. Just what sound does a gur-lunga-lunga make and do they enjoy tequila??

It's not fun... It's an Obsession.

I may or may not be completely budget obsessed right now because I may or may not have had an UNBELIEVABLE cell phone bill last month. Oops. I promise to try to do better and love as I should. Amen.

I was going through the credit card bill last night. Here is my version of fiscal responsibility...

Me, standing at the (cleared-off-completely-every-night-for-2-weeks-and-it-might-be-making-me-crazy-because-I-can-see-how-insanely-pepto-colored-it-is) kitchen counter eating chocolate chips out of a jar and reading off the various things we've spent money on this month.

*** I need to clarify something here.... most money-management gurus will tell you to cut up the cards to get a handle on your finances..... The Homestead (please-Lord-tell-me-I-dress-better-than-Suze-Orme) school of fiscal responsibility says to have one bonus-earning card and put EVERYTHING on it... then pay it off fully EVERY MONTH. Otherwise you have to try to remember what you spent cash on and run around looking for receipts under the seat of your car and in the lint-trap in the dryer and, well, that just isn't conducive to uninterupted chocolate chip eating.

Hot Stuff is drinking caffeine-free diet pepsi (can I get an "Ick" here??) and complaining I know every dollar he spends and he has no idea what I buy.... like the $8 he spends every day for lunch at Bob's Valley Market. I remind him I take my lunch to work and he doesn't want to know how much I spend at Costco keeping him stocked with caffeine-free diet Ick and ham.

This month I spent $54.89 at Target... a record low. A little bit of Easter clearance & a few important things like baby gifts, dish soap and m&m's. I made up for it by spending $319.99 at Costco.... which totally freaked me out until I remembered about $100 of that was stuff I got for my mom with coupons and she gave me cash for it and I stocked up on diapers & wipes & dog food to donate to the Humane Society. Whew. $127.19 at the local grocery store. Two trips to McDonald's and one night of Jade Garden take out. We were pretty frugal this month.... I was trying to skim the last little bit of money needed to do our IRA's out of the family budget. Of course, there are a bunch of charges for food & drink when Hot Stuff was out of town for training and the state only reimburses at $23/day so we ate it on those expenses and he spends way too much on sunflower seeds, diet pop & eating lunch out but he tries..... and next month I'm going to have to justify the $80 I spent on couch and chair slipcovers ($80 shipped... Pottery Barn.... totally worth it) and $12 (You pay $10 and get a $12 card) for coffee drinks (Buy 6 and the 7th is free) not because I need it but because I want it. And we had $35 this month in movie rentals... but that just provides fuel for my "Let's get NetFlix" plan. Although I did discover the library has the entire "Gilmore Girls" series on dvd so that could keep me occupied for a good chunk of re-run season.

I also finally got it together and switched Qwest & Northwestern Energy to checkfree so I can say "screw you and your 41 cent stamps too" to the post office... at least until I mail Christmas cards. And I've started paying all doctor's bills by phone with the credit card because, well, I might as well get some reward points for that ear infection, right?

Does anyone know of a fabulous FREE rewards credit card? Currently we have an American Express Delta card that costs $55/year (which is just stupid) and I'm switching to the free Costco American Express points card but is there a better deal out there??

So that's the boring budget report for last month....

Blazes....

We went to the farm this weekend and, driving home on Sunday, we came upon a road block. Yes.... a closed road. With a cop. In North-Central Montana.

The deputy at the road block was pretty closed-mouthed about what was going on but he did mention he'd been called in at 7:30 that morning because officers had been on duty all night. And we'd already heard some gossip from a neighbor about a high speed chase.

The news is slowly coming out about a 13-year-old boy from Havre, a stolen car, a gas drive-off, high-speed chase, shots fired....

I'm going to go out on a limb here and call this another victim of the Virginia Tech shootings. Anybody with me on this thought process? According to the local gossip, the kid had some "issues with authority" and was "one to avoid." I can just hear the theme music, "Going Down in a Blaze of Glory" playing in his head as he was flying across those highway miles thinking about all the attention the Virginia Tech guy got.... maybe I'm wrong but.....

I pray for this kid. And the police officers. And all the other kids and families in these tiny communities. Just like I continue to pray for the families of the 33 who died in Virginia. Yes, I said 33. I pray for the shooter and his family just like any others. I think the bible part is "Love the sinner, not the sin." The reality part is..... both of these young men were somebody's little boys. I look at my own little ones, hug them tight and think, "What if...." What if something goes wrong in their brains? They ARE inheriting mental illness from both sides of the family..... Will I be strong enough and brave enough to see it and, more importantly, do something about it?

I'm easy.

I'm very happy right now.

I got a new free travel wipes case in the giant box of Huggies wipes I got at Costco. A new travel case. I think I'll put it in Hot Stuff's car... no, wait, the other diaper bag..... Oh, I'm just not sure.... Yes, people, my life has come to this... glee over butt-wipe.

The Great Pickle Escape

This post is dedicated to Pickle.... may the escape be quick.

Remember that moment in baby school....the moment you realized the plastic thing with holes in it wasn't a spaghetti measurer with a jumbo measurement to feed a whole football team.... the moment you realized..... OH MY GOD.... THAT'S THE DILATION CHART. And then you suck it up and go ahead and have the baby anyway because, well, too late now... you're already knocked up....

Ok, this post is straight-up coochie recovery advice. For those moments AFTER the sweet bambino is home and the phone rings and you realize there is NO WAY you can jump off the couch to answer it. Here are things I've heard or done... in no particular order:

1. The frozen maxi pad. Spritz maxi with water, freeze, and, "aaahhh." My doc says this was his job when his son was born. Order pizza, be quiet, and make sure there was a supply of frozen mouse mattresses in the freezer.
2. Sit on your boppy. That sort of sounds like a curse doesn't it.... "No, you sit on MY boppy...."
3. That spray. The numbing stuff with the red lid (or maybe the lid is blue). Lidocain. In the first aide section. And it's great later for boo-boos.
4. The peri bottle. Don't leave that bad boy at the hospital... it makes a great tub toy later on too.
5. Plain old over-the-counter pain relievers.

Ok... that's all I can remember... anybody else?

Drugs or No Drugs

Just reading on Blogging Baby... er, Parent Dish..... about natural birth vs, well, unnatural I guess..... Ok, ok... medicated vs non-medicated.

Again.... I bang my drum and shout, "Everyone is different and even each child is different."

My first labor:

Woke up at 1:30 am. Hospital around 4:30 am. IV & interthecal around 6:40. No time for epidural. Baby at 6:58 am. (Shift change is at 7:00.... I don't recommend this.)

Interthecal meds (morphine? What the hell is in that?) made me Sick with a capital S-Ick. Headache and passing out whenever I tried to stand up..... literally.... for about 18 hours.


My second labor:

Woke up at 4:30 am. Hospital around 7:30 am. No time for an IV. Baby at 8:03 am. (Nice fresh nurses from 7:00 am shift change... excellent.) I still have the half filled out epidural consent form that Hot Stuff was working on when things got serious.


We already know the hospital is remodeling and the new maternity area is on the 4th floor.... which means Baby #3 (if there is one) will be born in the elevator. I just hope the nurses take me seriously when I tell them I'm, um, kinda fast in the labor department.... it must be the laughing and joke-cracking that throws them off..... with #2 they told me I had plenty of time and they put me in the "rule-out" room.... hah!

Now.... what was best for ME? Obviously.... labor #2 when I was up and showered by 9:15 am.... much better than passing out between the toilet and the tub like #1.

But what is best for YOU?? It's like Jimmy Buffett says.... "Only Time Will Tell...."

Houston, we have teeth.....

Thank the sweet little baby Jeebus for Hyland’s Teething Tablets. After three days and three long, long nights I remembered Hyland’s…. and it hit my like a can of V-8…. I had a bottle leftover from Sweet Boy’s youth….. in the daycare bag! Horray. I have no idea what is in those things but they work better than a shot of tequila and a warm bath….which I’d tried already anyway.

Truly. I know I talk a lot about how different kids are…. But I don’t remember Sweet Boy ever having this kind of trouble with teeth….. we’ve got it all…. Loosey-goosey poop, fever-then-gone, red cheeks, drool, chewing, clingy, gnawing, whimpering, crying, listless (so listless) and crabby (OH the Crabby)…. And it has been going on for days. I kept her home from daycare on Monday… mostly because I like our daycarista too much to subject her to Her Royal Crabbiness.

And the girl wanted her mama. For about 72 hours I was in constant contact with her…. She sat on my lap while I peed. She showered with me. She held my hand while she was in the car seat. She slept on my chest. I love a girl but by Monday morning I needed a little space.

So.

I put her in the kitchen sink. Tossed in a few toys and kept the water warm. Happy baby. She splashed enough to soak the window & the floor (we call that “cleaning windows” and “mopping” at the Homestead) and we all managed to survive the day with a minimum of tequila.

And now. Now. NOW.

She has TWO New Teeth…. NOT the top center teeth… but on the outside…. Combine this with her love of hanging her head off my knees so she can look at the world upside-down and it becomes obvious we’ve been calling her Vampire Bat for three days now. Or Fang. Or Redneck Jack-o-lantern. Or Backwards Beaver. Poor Pumpkin. I have to remember to write this in her baby book……

Super Hero.

Overheard at our house…. “I’m Spiderman and Baby Sister is my pet Chubby Spider.”

Going to the Chapel....

At dinner last night Sweet Boy announced, “Jack & I are married.” Hot Stuff looked at me over SB’s head and mouthed, “I’m not sure I like where this is going….”

Jack is Sweet Boy’s imaginary friend. Mostly, Jack is a big boy who fights fires and knows how to fly…. Very similar to Sweet Boy except the “big” part…. So I, being the open-minded mama I am, asked, “Are you married to Jack?” and Sweet Boy responded, “Oh, no, mama… I’m married to (insert unintelligible noise that sounds like Gluhg-gluhoo). She’s my husband.” Can you tell we’ve been having many fascinating dinner conversations about relationships at our house?

So then I, preparing for that teenage time when I need to grill my children about where they go and who they are with, ask, “Who did Jack marry?” “Oh,” says SB, “Jack isn’t really married.” “So he’s single and not married… like Uncle Techno?” (Sorry, Brother, couldn’t think of a better pseudonym for you… Pyro? Psycho? Turbo? Dude?)

“Oh no,” says SB, “Uncle Techno is married.”

Really.

“…. To Auntie Wissa.”

Brother, you are so dead in the water on this one… she’s already ahead of you on the “bless us” list (although you are both behind Smokey… dad’s dog) and Sister & I will keep her and dump you if you break up….. You might as well get her a ring…..

Imus

I admit. I'd never really heard of Imus until last week.... but now I gotta ask....

Does anyone else think he looks like an old lesbian??***

***Homestead ducks... but figures it is worth saying because when she mentioned it while talking with an old lesbian the old lesbian laughed.....

Another weekend, Another movie

Anybody seen "The Good Shepherd".... and, if you have, can you please explain it to me?

It's not that I was falling asleep (teething baby).
It's not that I was drinking BV&7up (teething baby).
It's not that the movie was almost 3 HOURS long and I wasn't able to settle down to watch it (teething baby).

I feel like I missed something really obvious while watching it. But there was no "ah-hah" moment for me. I never did get it. After several crucial-seeming scenes I'd look at Hot Stuff and say, "huh?" and he'd just pour me another drink or reach over and pat the baby sleeping on my chest.

So, anybody have a quick Cliff-notes style review of the movie for me???

Not in the running for 2007 either....

Yes, that is a huckleberry stem on her face from the fresh-made huckleberry ice cream my sister was feeding her. There goes mother-of-the-year AGAIN.

Regrets

One of my biggest parenting regrets? No, it isn't the 3-diapers-in-24-hours rule or the insane amount of effort we've put into a simple swingset project..... I don't have pictures of me with my kids. I told Hot Stuff and he, being the go-to-it guy he is, responded:

** Thanks to Gunnar for blocking the privates in that middle photo so I didn't have to blur them out.

Maybe just a little Don King in the bloodline......

3 More Movie Reviews

1. Blood Diamond. Loved it. Although I've heard if you know what a real South African accent sounds like this one will make you cringe.

2. The Pursuit of Happyness. Jada Pinkett Smith is a lucky woman. Will Smith just might be on the short list of my favorite male celebrities.

3. Happy Feet. Ok, I didn't exactly sit and watch this one but what I saw was pretty cute.

For some reason opening a Dove promises chocolate with the message "Watch the sun rise" just isn't all that inspirational when you have a kid that doesn't sleep between 4-5:30am........

Other Daycare Things....

Let's talk about crazy things we've seen while looking for daycare.....

Daycarista told me the story of another in-home care place with 14 kids and a house about the size of Daycarista's upstairs.... about 900 sq feet. The other daycare said they were licensed. Ya think?

My friend, K, told me about going to a daycare (with an appointment so they had time to tidy up if they wanted...) and sitting on the couch to interview. The place was knee-deep in toys (I'm sorry but if there are too many toys they just can't all be clean) and when she left she realized she'd been sitting in something very wet..... ew. (Aside for those who know... the daycare, oddly enough, was run by our former FIRST GRADE teacher... uh-huh. Crazy is as crazy does...)

I don't know much about daycare. I went with the recommendation of a good friend with three little girls, visited, fell in love and then begged for a spot. Initially we were turned down because she had another little one coming back in January (this was August) and wouldn't be able to handle that many little ones at one time. So I asked for coverage until January. Hot Stuff's job that year only had him working 10 months so he had January & February off and stayed at home. My plot worked, daycarista fell in love with Sweet Boy and just couldn't let him go. Ha-ha. I found out later she actually restructured some of her part-timers to 3 days a week rather than 5 half-days a week so she could bring in extra help on those three days and accommodate everyone.

I like all the other kids.... although there is only one other (part-time kindergarten) boy. But I like to think that will bring out Sweet Boy's feminine side. I've already learned "boy polish" is clear with blue sparkles.

Her rates are reasonable. Daycare for two kids (one potty-trained, one under 2) just went up $4 to $36/day.... which is cheaper than the state-subsidized care here in town. She feeds them breakfast, lunch & snack. She teaches them colors & letters. They read a lot and do puzzles and draw. They have cats, a dog, bunnies, mules, horses & chickens. The yard is giant and beautifully kept with a swing set and lots of nice play toys. They have a schedule and rules and know what to expect. They always come home smelling like sunscreen in the summer. They only seem to watch tv during the morning while they are waiting for all the kids to get there or for special occasions. The playroom is clean, clean, clean and Sweet Boy came home singing the clean up song and picking up his toys.

Daycarista really has managed to have a home that allows thinking adults to co-exist with a whole lotta little kids. There are lots of books and toys but things have a place and they get put away before the next set of toys come out.

ONE CRUE GIRL.....

WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU????

Your blog link hasn't worked in, oh, a long time..... but I saw your comment the other day......